What is your biggest fear?

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What is your biggest fear?

Postby Queenie_70 » Sun Aug 23, 2015 9:27 am

When I say fear, I don't mean worry. We all worry about money, our health, our family. What I thought we could share and maybe help each other with is true fears. I read today that if one confronts their biggest fear, they are free to live as none of our other fears will be as great, or words to that effect.

Anyway, I thought I would share.


I fear that I will never hold my head up high again. I looked in the mirror today, (only because I was cleaning it), and realized that from my chin to the base of my neck I have no tan. I looked and looked and it dawned on me, I walk around looking at the ground. I don't literally, or figuratively hold my head up. Yes, fatigue could be part of the problem, but mostly it is the feeling that I am not good enough. That letting down my family, friends, just loved ones in general, and you guys, that my incessant need to write and share is somehow a burden for you all.

Anyway, done. I am not looking for accolades, but if anyone can think of a reason why, or even how, I could change my thinking I will read and appreciate.

xx
"Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."
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Re: What is your biggest fear?

Postby MoonRiver » Mon Aug 24, 2015 12:26 pm

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Last edited by MoonRiver on Tue Sep 22, 2015 8:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: What is your biggest fear?

Postby Queenie_70 » Mon Aug 24, 2015 4:55 pm

Hi MoonRiver,

I was trying to get people to open up and discuss, apart from their health what it is that keeps them up at night. I tend to pose questions, but they don't necessarily get answered.

I understand what you were saying about shame, though it was the actions of a person against me that led to a lot of mine. I wonder if I still carry what happened when I was 17 around my neck still like a noose, so I avoid looking people in the eye. I do when I am talking to someone, I have been told that I "engage" well, but on a regular basis, just walking around town, if I see someone looking I turn or duck my head to avoid their gaze.

I hope your fibro journey so far has not been one of too much pain. I am in, what I hope is the middle or end, of a flare. I am sick of being tired and in pain, but I know that this too shall pass.

xx
"Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."
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Re: What is your biggest fear?

Postby MoonRiver » Mon Aug 24, 2015 6:58 pm

I am not really sure, i think alot of people do things in their lives which hurts others and then in return they get hurt....kind of karmic in effect . I know alot of people who just go around completely oblivious to there own actions and live very selfish lives and most do this without consequence, but for some of us there are more deeper implications on a mental and physical level . Now, i am not sure what has went on in your past but it may have had the effect that it has changed you and im afraid is is probably not reversible . I have lived a life where the actions of other people have lead my own heath to eroded and once the damage is done, i am not sure it can be undone . There are very few people in this world who have sight and self insight and they ruin peoples lives by how bad they really are to people( even when they do not know it) . I am an example of being mistreated , and the people who have been in my life have mistreated me and could never really face up to who they really were and how much they neglected me , but i am sure somewhere down the line they will be suffering for their own actions . Its not that it was not impossible for them to change, its just they did not want to face upto themselves and then this leads to all sorts of problems, drug abuse,alcohol etc etc . Love is a very easy word on some peoples lips but to proved it takes a greater person and i have not discounted my former partner/partners from absolution, but they do seem beyond redemption as they just do not see where they were going wrong . If i made it up with my lost love, then maybe i would feel a little less damaged and if they are bold enough to say they made mistakes...i too would be gracious to do the same . Life is too short to live in pain and maybe god would one day shine down apon me because i was not such a bad person and worthless and i could show him that i can be good and that i can make a change and not just hate the world for my pain and suffering . Is this making sense ? , as i am not sure and maybe i am just rambling . :-)
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Re: What is your biggest fear?

Postby FrenchJan » Wed Aug 26, 2015 9:12 am

hi Queenie
Take up bird watching, that will make you look up. - Just joking!

My biggest fear is not having a Doctor that understands my condition or can be bothered to see me. I tell the surgery I can't cope with telephone appointments because I can't remember what is said, but still that is all they will give me.
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Re: What is your biggest fear?

Postby Queenie_70 » Thu Aug 27, 2015 11:47 am

Hi FrenchJan,

I understand your fear of the doctors misunderstanding, or down right ignorance of the condition. I think you will find that there are quite a few on this forum who will share your sentiments. I did get lucky at my new surgery to find a doctor who is willing to listen and take action when action is required, but found that many are not so lucky. If there is another surgery you could go to it might be worth looking into. You can go online and look up all the local offices through the NHS and see where they stand in terms of service versus patient satisfaction, but the black hole of fibro still exists and until such disorders are believed, then it can be a bit of a cr*p shoot.

I hope that you will find someone who is willing to work with you in the health care sector. It might mean putting energy into a thankless task, but you never know until you try.

(Thanks for the bird watching tip, I will have to remember that when I am chin down and need a smile).

xx
"Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."
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Re: What is your biggest fear?

Postby Purpledot » Sat Aug 29, 2015 1:08 am

I have a huge fear of being alone. I don't mean just for a few hours or a day, but I mean generally alone in life.

I just don't think I could cope on my own.

This is what frightens me most.
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Re: What is your biggest fear?

Postby Queenie_70 » Sat Aug 29, 2015 3:49 pm

Purpledot,

I do understand that sort of fear. I felt it right after my divorce. Thought that I would wander lonely and depressed for the rest of my time on this earth, but things change. It takes a while, but they do. What you are looking for is out there, just don't be afraid to look. Learn by mistakes, but keep trying. Someone will be there, but they might not know it, and you might not know it now, but they will be.

xxx
"Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."
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Re: What is your biggest fear?

Postby Charmed » Sat Aug 29, 2015 5:34 pm

Oh Queenie that's a lovely thing to say and so true.

With regards to a fear, then I would say loneliness too. Like you I felt like that after my divorce, I truly believed my life was over, but ended up enjoying my own space. Then I ended up getting married again... who knew? But I think the thought of my DH passing and being on my own in my 80s, I know I wouldn't cope and that terrifies me.

And yes I used to keep my head down after having my self-esteem ripped out of me. Now I hold my head high, if people don't like what they see.... They can look away. I say hello and smile at total strangers now, when I'm out on my scooter. Most people respond well to a smile. The thing is, out of all the people who walk past you... what is going on in their lives.

I really enjoy reading your posts. Keep it up :)
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Re: What is your biggest fear?

Postby Queenie_70 » Sun Aug 30, 2015 7:37 am

Hi charmed,

I have to say, when I read your post I was grinning from ear to ear. It is nice to read something so uplifting as a compliment. Not many of those get bandied around anymore, So I wanted to acknowledge and thank you for your kind words.

Alone is difficult. It can be all consuming. I was with hubby for 21 years and you find you rattle around looking for things to do, but not having the energy or motivation to really get anything done.

I remember once sitting on the grass over looking the ocean and everyone seemed to be with someone. It was awful. I looked at my feet and thought that I was never going to find anyone who would want to be with me. It found me. Love knocked on my door and no matter what else, had an adventure, kids, and some good and bad memories. Alone again, I am not so afraid. I have found that this time has allowed me to focus on me. That has not been a bad thing.

I honestly believe that someone will find you, or vice versa, you need to know what you are looking for first though. Know who you are enough to know what lines, words, and actions will make you happy and unhappy. Charmed, you are a perfect example that love does happen, fairy tales do come true.

We are all good people, with a condition that makes us cranky and not so lovely at times, but this is what makes us so unique. We are all treasures just waiting to be unearthed.

xx
"Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."
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