Elderly parents - making them understand

[paulfoel]

Its my wife who has fibro. With small children and work, sometimes she really struggles. We pay for extra childcare, a cleaner, family members stay over to help etc. Problem is my wife NEVER EVER moans about it.

Then theres my Dad. Hes 82. Lives alone. Is in pretty decent health for his age. BUT, any minor illness he gets he moans and moans and moans. Expects me to drop everything to deal with him.

I've reminded him, probably 20 times now, that whereas I'll help where I can, I've got other people including an ill wife who rely on me too.

Xmas was a nightmare - he came to us xmas day and was awful. His manners and behaviour were appalling. I spend most of the day sorting him out and neglecting wife and kids. Today hes insisting I come to see him at the weekend (he lives 45 mins away) - I've already promised to do things with wife and kids which I expl;ained to him.

His answer "well, you're wife will have to understand I'm ill" and "there'll be other xmases for you to see the kids".

Anyone else had this problem? He just doesn't seem to get it. Its as if he thinks there is no such thing as fibro.

[LindyM66]

Hi Paul

This may sound harsh, but I don't think it has anything to do with your father's understanding ( or lack of) of fibro - it's just rudeness and manipulative behaviour.
Now, I may get slated for saying this about an 82 year old man. But unless there is a reason for his behaviours, for example, dementia, there is absolutely no excuse for it.
"You do not have to accept the unacceptable". I apply this to many areas of my life. If we accept it, (whatever "it" is, that's what continues.
Learn to say no, ( it's hard, I know). You will end up burnt out, by running yourself ragged.
No man is an island Paul, and we all need to practice self caring too.

Much Love
Lindy x

[paulfoel]

Hi Paul

This may sound harsh, but I don't think it has anything to do with your father's understanding ( or lack of) of fibro - it's just rudeness and manipulative behaviour.
Now, I may get slated for saying this about an 82 year old man. But unless there is a reason for his behaviours, for example, dementia, there is absolutely no excuse for it.
"You do not have to accept the unacceptable". I apply this to many areas of my life. If we accept it, (whatever "it" is, that's what continues.
Learn to say no, ( it's hard, I know). You will end up burnt out, by running yourself ragged.
No man is an island Paul, and we all need to practice self caring too.

Much Love
Lindy x

Lindy. You're right hes been an ongoing nightmare. Hes got worse over the new year also. Managed to get himself into hospital by, I think, faking a fall. (Long story but hospital has sent him home twice, GP wont come out anymore). Of course, then he demanded I leave work (miles away!) and go and see him.

Wife hasnt been too good recently (After xmas etc) so I refused to go and see him in hospital. 90min each way commute, then 45 mins each way to hospital once I get off train, was just too much when I had a 3 year old and a wife to look after too when I get home.

Like I said, he either doesnt understand or doesnt care about wifes fibro. In his head, hes always the worst. In reality, for an 82 year old hes in half decent health.

[gd13]

hello
i am lucky to have both parents alive. my dad is registered blind and my mum is his carer. they are both in their 80s. i live alone abroad. xmas was just horrible for me as my mum in particular seems to be in denial about my fibro and especially my acute anxiety and depression. i also have arthritis which is progressive. i dont think i have ever so disconnected from them and the rest of my family. i cant begin to describe how the little things made me meltdown....i got brerated for crying too much, for trying to get my adult daughter in order as she was not helping at the time by being rudeand hissed at by my mum to back off, put in a single bed whilst a 12 yearold was in the comfy double bed, looked at as if i was a moaning old boot when i had to excuse myself from games in xmas day as i was having a major meltdown and a nosebleed as all the noise was just doing my head in, having sent numerous emails ahead of xmas to those i believed most understand his me about how i move on and possibly move back to the uk...meeting never happened as everyone too busy, 60th birthday in april never discussed, asked by my mum to clear out all my stuff from their house and then pushed and pushed to do it and my weariness dismissed, tutted at when on new years eve i said i was so exhausted at 11pm i had to go to bed. i felt like a ghost wandering round being quiet and as unobstrusive as possible and still feeling like i was the elephant in the room. i had to go and have my esa form filled in just before xmas as i cant do it myself which reminded me of the torture of the tribunal i had to go through 2 years ago. my 2 sisters took me but even after breaking down midway as i felt like i was describing someone else, when we got back i was told off again for being so upset. not one of my family have asked since if my application has been successful or not or seem to get their head round that this is my only income and the fear a brown envelope generates. apart from my daughter not one member of my family has visited my new flat in 16 months i have been here. i feel so isolated because they either dont seem to want to understand fibro or at worst traet me like it doesnt exist and i should just pull myself together. i had to get a bus to the airport...i have special assistance on flights including wheelchair and lift on/off plane but the fact have been bedbound since i got back as ive been so ill and exhausted with the travel seems lost on them.
im sorry to moan like this. i wonder if others feel like a ghost wandering around their former life? am i being selfish and mean?

[fibrochick888]

Perhaps print off some inforrmation about Fibro for him to understand or if you have access to youtube send him a video on explanation of Fibro for him to understand, there must be ways you could explain it better. So he understands that your wife is pain 24/7 with host of other symptoms and she cannot always do everything or expect you drop everything at last minute.