Joke

Rib ticklers, hobbies and things to do on a rainy day!

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Re: Joke

Postby cariad » Mon May 30, 2011 10:23 pm

Where do you get them from?? just keep them coming I love laughing :clap: :clap: :clap:
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Re: Joke

Postby diane1 » Wed Jun 01, 2011 4:26 pm

A clear conscience is the sign of bad memory


Two gold fish are in a tank one says to the other "Do you know how to drive this thing?"


Confusius say,man who lives in glass house must dress in basement.


More tomorrow folks. :lol: :lol: :lol:
Does an elephant with fibro fog ever forget ?
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Re: Joke

Postby denys » Fri Jun 03, 2011 9:41 pm

Oh Diane :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:
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Re: Joke

Postby diane1 » Fri Jun 03, 2011 10:44 pm

Sorry if this offends anyone butI thought it was funny;

there are 3 brothers Tom,Dick and Harry. All have huge feet. Tom & Harry have a size 12 and Dick is an enormously huge size 14.
Tom is dancing at a party one night with Harry's girl when she says don't you & Harry have huge feet! Well he says if you think our feet are big wait till you see our "Dicks" !

It made me chuckle hope you all do to.


Diane

:lol: :shock:
Does an elephant with fibro fog ever forget ?
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Re: Joke

Postby carrieokay » Sat Jun 04, 2011 2:02 am

Right, I'm back and making up for lost time (laptop broke, withdrawal symptoms were TERRIBLE :yikes: )
Do not read this if easily offended or queasy:- :lol: :evil: :tongueout:


Steve, who was holidaying on Bondi beach, couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

"Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos -about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man...you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, Steve hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!

So Steve went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?"

JEESUS!" said the lifeguard, "Mate. The potato goes in the front!"
Carrie

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.
Unless there are three other people.
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Re: Joke

Postby denys » Sat Jun 04, 2011 7:25 pm

:clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:
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Re: Joke

Postby diane1 » Sat Jun 04, 2011 8:57 pm

Good to have you back Carrieokay :wave:

Its been a one man show here. I've done my best but yours do have the edge. Anyway heres mine today;


A woman sees an old lady crying in the Drs surgery. When she finds out whats wrong she storms into the GP's room. "Did you tell the old lady she was pregnant ?" she demands. "I did " smiles the GP. "Thats not funny" she says. " I agree " says the GP " but it cured her hiccups".

:lol: :lol: :lol: :crazy:
Does an elephant with fibro fog ever forget ?
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Re: Joke

Postby carrieokay » Sun Jun 05, 2011 4:47 pm

lol, :clap: :clap: :clap: it would certainly cure mine :yikes:
While I'm looking for doctor jokes, try this - (the inflatable one still makes me roar!) And I know the last one is true, I remember reading it :alien:

Here is the news:

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas
bill, a spokesman for North Westgas said, "We agree it was rather
high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged
for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole
salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because
she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van
because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch
vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth
was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard
spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
(The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on
the spot and asked him to estimate the windspeed. He replied he was
sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help,
the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience
with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each
week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled,
"He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came
up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil
Hitler."
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)
Carrie

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.
Unless there are three other people.
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Re: Joke

Postby diane1 » Sun Jun 05, 2011 6:13 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :clap: :clap:

Were do you find them i'm not sure which is my favourite but I wont look at salami in the supermarket without smiling now.

Heres mine today;



A frog goes into a bank and approaches the cashier. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(You're going to love this)




(A masterpiece)




(Wait for it)




The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

I did warn you !

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :yikes: :tongueout:
:chicken-dance:
Does an elephant with fibro fog ever forget ?
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Re: Joke

Postby carrieokay » Mon Jun 06, 2011 8:13 pm

Nice one, wish I was a frog... :clap:

Had a rubbish day - achievement nil points :roll: , frustration meter in red zone :banghead: .
So just grabbed this:

The Irish have sent two ships to join the war effort. One is carrying sand and the other is carrying cement. A spokesman for the Irish said that they hoped to launch a mortar attack.

The Irish have also sent 2000 troops to the Gulf but the Mexicans don't know what to do with them.


If you're Irish, please substitute 'Blondes' :chicken-dance:
Carrie

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.
Unless there are three other people.
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Re: Joke

Postby budda » Wed Jun 08, 2011 7:22 am

missed your jokes carrie, but am glad to be back, anymore.
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Re: Joke

Postby diane1 » Wed Jun 08, 2011 9:41 pm

Hi folks my joke of the day;




A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer


:lol: :lol: :lol: :D :D :lol: :lol:
Does an elephant with fibro fog ever forget ?
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Re: Joke

Postby denys » Wed Jun 08, 2011 10:21 pm

ooooooohhhhhhhhhhh :facepalm: :facepalm: :facepalm: :facepalm: :facepalm: :facepalm: :facepalm: more please :chicken-dance: :chicken-dance: :chicken-dance: :chicken-dance: :chicken-dance: :chicken-dance: :chicken-dance: :chicken-dance: :chicken-dance: :welldone: :welldone: :welldone: :welldone: :welldone: :welldone: :welldone:
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Re: Joke

Postby diane1 » Fri Jun 10, 2011 6:43 pm

Love your new Piccy Denys.

Todays joke ;

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

:lol: :lol: :lol: :chicken-dance: :chicken-dance: :chicken-dance:
Does an elephant with fibro fog ever forget ?
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Re: Joke

Postby denys » Fri Jun 10, 2011 6:48 pm

:clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: Love it :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap:
Denys

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