[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 488: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 488: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 488: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 488: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 488: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 488: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 488: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 488: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 488: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 488: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 488: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 488: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 488: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 488: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 488: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 488: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 488: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 488: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 488: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 488: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 488: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 488: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 488: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 488: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 488: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/bbcode.php on line 488: preg_replace(): The /e modifier is no longer supported, use preg_replace_callback instead
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/functions.php on line 4780: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at [ROOT]/includes/functions.php:3898)
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/functions.php on line 4782: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at [ROOT]/includes/functions.php:3898)
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/functions.php on line 4783: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at [ROOT]/includes/functions.php:3898)
[phpBB Debug] PHP Warning: in file [ROOT]/includes/functions.php on line 4784: Cannot modify header information - headers already sent by (output started at [ROOT]/includes/functions.php:3898)
The UKFibromyalgia Forums • View topic - Joke



Joke

Rib ticklers, hobbies and things to do on a rainy day!

Moderators: perseus, *Lisa*, FluppyPuffy

Re: Joke

Postby diane1 » Sat Jun 11, 2011 5:22 pm

Sorry to all males out there !

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.

:clap: :clap: :clap: :lol: :lol: :clap: :clap:
Does an elephant with fibro fog ever forget ?
User avatar
diane1
UKFM Member
 
Posts: 508
Joined: Mon Jan 18, 2010 11:31 am
Location: wirral

Re: Joke

Postby denys » Sat Jun 11, 2011 6:45 pm

oh dear :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :tongueout: :tongueout: :tongueout: :tongueout: :tongueout: :tongueout:
Denys

As a Public Moderator of this forum my opinions/views expressed are personal and are no more valid than those of other members and not necessarily those of UKFibromyalgia.
User avatar
denys
UKFM Veteran
 
Posts: 11901
Joined: Tue Feb 09, 2010 10:05 pm

Re: Joke

Postby shazq » Sat Jun 11, 2011 9:03 pm

:lol: :lol: :clap:
As a Public Moderator of this forum my opinions/views expressed are personal and are no more valid than those of other members and not necessarily those of UKFibromyalgia.
User avatar
shazq
UKFM Veteran
 
Posts: 11449
Joined: Wed Feb 11, 2009 8:16 pm
Location: wrapped up under my duvet at home.

Re: Joke

Postby budda » Mon Jun 13, 2011 12:46 pm

:clap: :clap: :clap: keep them coming :lol: :lol:
User avatar
budda
UKFM Regular
 
Posts: 2072
Joined: Sun Jan 24, 2010 11:05 pm
Location: glasgow

Re: Joke

Postby carrieokay » Tue Jun 14, 2011 11:10 am

Been a bit busy, sorry. Have put my house on the market & am trying to tidy 2 years of mess without totally crippling myself!
Diane, you are definitely invited to my virtual dinner party :wink:

I am so tired I can't even remember what I've already posted... :sleep: so sorry if you've seen this one:-

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.

When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet."

A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says "not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says, "When the baby cries."

And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."
Carrie

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.
Unless there are three other people.
User avatar
carrieokay
UKFM Member
 
Posts: 101
Joined: Sun Mar 06, 2011 9:50 pm
Location: Poole

Re: Joke

Postby denys » Tue Jun 14, 2011 1:16 pm

oooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh :crazy: :crazy: :crazy: :crazy: :crazy: :crazy:
Denys

As a Public Moderator of this forum my opinions/views expressed are personal and are no more valid than those of other members and not necessarily those of UKFibromyalgia.
User avatar
denys
UKFM Veteran
 
Posts: 11901
Joined: Tue Feb 09, 2010 10:05 pm

Re: Joke

Postby shazq » Tue Jun 14, 2011 3:59 pm

:facepalm: :facepalm: :facepalm: :lol:
As a Public Moderator of this forum my opinions/views expressed are personal and are no more valid than those of other members and not necessarily those of UKFibromyalgia.
User avatar
shazq
UKFM Veteran
 
Posts: 11449
Joined: Wed Feb 11, 2009 8:16 pm
Location: wrapped up under my duvet at home.

Re: Joke

Postby Brenda » Tue Jun 14, 2011 8:30 pm

Eeee Loving the jokes, this site just gets better and better. just what I needed a good :lol:
Brenda
UKFM Member
 
Posts: 25
Joined: Fri May 13, 2011 4:27 pm
Location: Tyne & Wear.

Re: Joke

Postby carrieokay » Tue Jun 14, 2011 11:23 pm

Well I'm still up because I am so tired I know I'll be worse tomorrow so I'm making the most of not being worse yet :crazy: ??

So hopefully this one is long enough to last 2 days :idea:



Even though this lady is residing in my house, she may at some time appear in yours.

BE ALERT!

A very weird thing happened. A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have no idea who she is, where she came from, or how she got in. I certainly did not invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn't there, and the next day she was!

She is a clever old lady and manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her. And whenever I look in the mirror to check my appearance, there she is hogging the whole thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body. This is very rude! I have tried screaming at her, but she just screams back. The least she could do is offer to pay part of the rent, but no. Every once in a while, I find a quid stuck in a coat pocket, or some loose change under a sofa cushion, but it is not nearly enough.

I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money from me. I go to the ATM and withdraw £100, and a few days later, it's all gone.

I certainly don't spend money THAT fast, so I can only conclude the old lady is pilfering from me. You'd think she would spend some of that money to buy wrinkle cream. And money isn't the only thing she is stealing. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate--especially the good stuff like ice cream, biscuits and chocolate.

She must have a real sweet tooth, but she'd better watch it, because she is really packing on the pounds. I suspect she realizes this, and to make herself feel better, she is tampering with my scale to make me think I am putting on weight, too.

For an old lady, she is quite childish. She likes to play nasty games, like going into my closet when I'm not home and altering my clothes, so they don't fit. And she messes with my files and papers so I can't find anything.

This is particularly annoying since I am extremely neat and organized.

She has found other imaginative ways to annoy me. She gets into my mail, newspapers, and magazines before I do and blurs the print so I can't read it. And she has done something really sinister to the volume controls on my TV, radio, and telephone. Now all I hear are mumbles and whispers.

She has done other things--like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier and all my knobs and taps harder to turn. She even made my bed higher so that getting into and out of it is a real challenge. Lately, she has been fooling with my groceries before I put them away, applying glue to the lids, making it almost impossible for me to open the jars.

She has taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something on, she stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolizes it. She looks totally ridiculous in some of those outfits, plus, she keeps me from seeing how great they look on me.

Just when I thought she couldn't get any meaner, she proved me wrong. She came along when I went to get my picture taken for my driver's licence, and just as the camera shutter clicked, she jumped in front of me!
Carrie

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.
Unless there are three other people.
User avatar
carrieokay
UKFM Member
 
Posts: 101
Joined: Sun Mar 06, 2011 9:50 pm
Location: Poole

Re: Joke

Postby denys » Wed Jun 15, 2011 11:56 am

:clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: like it Happy birthday Carrie
Denys

As a Public Moderator of this forum my opinions/views expressed are personal and are no more valid than those of other members and not necessarily those of UKFibromyalgia.
User avatar
denys
UKFM Veteran
 
Posts: 11901
Joined: Tue Feb 09, 2010 10:05 pm

Re: Joke

Postby budda » Wed Jun 15, 2011 4:00 pm

I thought my clothes were shrinking in the washer :facepalm: she must be going around other peoples house :yikes: :clap: :clap: good one Carrie, :birthday1:
User avatar
budda
UKFM Regular
 
Posts: 2072
Joined: Sun Jan 24, 2010 11:05 pm
Location: glasgow

Re: Joke

Postby diane1 » Wed Jun 15, 2011 7:27 pm

this joke page has kept me sane these past few days keep them coming everyone. Heres mine for today;


Answering Service At The Mental Institute

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.

If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."


Well after the week i've had I found this soooooo funny hope you all do and arent offended.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :yikes: :crazy: :clap: :f1-car: ( I just liked the car)
Does an elephant with fibro fog ever forget ?
User avatar
diane1
UKFM Member
 
Posts: 508
Joined: Mon Jan 18, 2010 11:31 am
Location: wirral

Re: Joke

Postby carrieokay » Wed Jun 15, 2011 9:32 pm

Thanks for the birthday wishes, but there must be some mistake... I can't be 60 !! :crazy:
and
9
9
9

Love it! and the :f1-car: for the mobility allowance :lol:

"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."

So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't
finished....and before leaving the house this morning I finished off a
bottle of red wine, a bottle of white, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Wild Turkey,
the Prozac, some Valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how F- - - - - G good I feel....
Carrie

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.
Unless there are three other people.
User avatar
carrieokay
UKFM Member
 
Posts: 101
Joined: Sun Mar 06, 2011 9:50 pm
Location: Poole

Re: Joke

Postby diane1 » Wed Jun 15, 2011 9:49 pm

carrieokay

Sorry I forgot to say ;




Have a lovely day, night and have a drink on me !

:wine: :birthday1: :cake:

:f1-car: ( a little pressie from me !) x
Does an elephant with fibro fog ever forget ?
User avatar
diane1
UKFM Member
 
Posts: 508
Joined: Mon Jan 18, 2010 11:31 am
Location: wirral

Re: Joke

Postby budda » Thu Jun 16, 2011 6:35 pm

Diane and Carrie i think you both have had enough to :wine: , please sit down and i will put the kettle on and make strong :cup1: for you both, what are you both thinking driving around in those fast :f1-car: , what will people think about us, that we have all gone :crazy: and :wine: all the time running around in fast cars, ok MOVE OVER till i have a shot in one of those cars :f1-car: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee this is great, hand over the :wine: please, anyone like to join in with us. :tongueout:
User avatar
budda
UKFM Regular
 
Posts: 2072
Joined: Sun Jan 24, 2010 11:05 pm
Location: glasgow

PreviousNext

Return to Positive and Fun

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 6 guests