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The UKFibromyalgia Forums • View topic - Heres a good one !



Heres a good one !

Rib ticklers, hobbies and things to do on a rainy day!

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Heres a good one !

Postby Ally » Sun Jun 24, 2007 10:28 am

Bathing Suit Selection

I have just been through the horrifying pilgrimage of torture and humiliation known as 'buying a bathing suit'.
When I was younger, in the 1950s and 1960s, the bathing suit for a woman with a mature figure was designed for a woman with a mature figure -- boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job.
Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a pencil. The mature woman has a choice. She can either front up at the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus escaped from Disney's Fantasia - or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made what I thought was the only sensible choice for me and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in today's bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA, to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which given the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks. The reason being that any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into a bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror -- my boobs had disappeared! Eventually, I found one cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib. The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her bosom spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment. The bathing suit fitted all right, but unfortunately, it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized colored cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtains, "Oh, there you are!" she said, admiring the bathing suit. I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.

I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape.
I tried on a floral two-piece, which gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serviette ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frill and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.

I tried on a bright pink two-piece with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows.

Finally, I found a suit that fit...a two-piece affair with shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge friendly, so I bought it.

When I got home, I read the label, which said, "Material may become transparent in water"

I'm going to wear it anyway...
Ally
UKFM Member
 
Posts: 79
Joined: Sun May 27, 2007 9:40 pm

Postby Birdie » Sun Jun 24, 2007 12:28 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Image
Wing and a Prayer
Wild Bird and Owl Haven
Birdie
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Posts: 7
Joined: Thu May 31, 2007 12:03 pm

Postby pauline » Wed Jul 25, 2007 3:52 pm

:lol:
SO CORNY, IT HURTS!

Man: Doctor, me leg keeps talkin' to me.

Doc: Don't be ridiculous!

Leg: Lend us a fiver!

Man: Told ya.

Leg: Giz a tenner!

Doc: My God!

Leg: Eh

Doc, can you spare 20 quid?

Doc: I know your problem. Your leg's broke!
:lol: .............pauline
pauline
UKFM Member
 
Posts: 351
Joined: Tue Aug 09, 2005 6:58 am
Location: lancashire

Postby Kristine » Thu Oct 04, 2007 11:34 pm

Enjoy, just got this tonight from the UKfmsguai site:

Everybody, please forgive me but this is too good not to share,
especially the last two lines. It came from the States via a friend.

Ron.

I have 2 large dogs, and was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart
and was in line to check out. The woman behind me asked if I had a
dog?
Duh? On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again.
Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital
the
last time. But I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive
care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both
arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it
works
is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
or two
every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I
was
going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically
everyone in
line was now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was
standing behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food
poisoned me? I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my
ass
and a car hit me.
I thought the guy standing behind her was going to need help as
he
staggered to the door laughing. :lol: :o :o
Life is short. Break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love
deeply,
laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that made you smile.
Kristine
UKFM Member
 
Posts: 216
Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2005 5:49 pm

Postby shayne » Mon Oct 08, 2007 10:57 am

shayne
UKFM Member
 
Posts: 15
Joined: Thu Sep 13, 2007 10:50 pm
Location: Radstock

Postby Kristine » Mon Oct 08, 2007 3:57 pm

Kristine
UKFM Member
 
Posts: 216
Joined: Thu Jul 28, 2005 5:49 pm

Postby pauline » Sun Oct 21, 2007 12:04 am

:lol: Green, Green Grass of Home

"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

...........................pauline :D
pauline
UKFM Member
 
Posts: 351
Joined: Tue Aug 09, 2005 6:58 am
Location: lancashire


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