Losing Friends

All your fibromyalgia experiences, questions and answers.

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Losing Friends

Postby wanderingstar » Tue Jan 22, 2013 10:50 am

Hi everyone,

well it's been awhile since I last posted, mainly because i have been trying to learn to cope with the limitation FMS has placed upon my life.

One thing I have noticed is that my once wide circle of friends has completely disappeared. My facebook page may appear to have 201 'friends' on it but not one of them has visited me or even rang me in the last month. I find myself less inclined to chase these people now as I am too tired and in too much pain to be bothered. However as I sit here I feel incredibly alone. I miss my old life so much, i am at a loss as to what my next step will be.

Did any of you lose friends as a result of your FMS diagnosis? or is it just me being too 'lazy' to leave the house and interact with people?


Shell xxx
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Re: Losing Friends

Postby DeniseJ » Tue Jan 22, 2013 11:05 am

People seem to lead busy lives and difficulities don't seem to be a part of them. I was diagnosed fairly recently with Fibromyalgia and Oasteoarthritis of the knees plus. I don't think it's that people don't care, they just don't understand. Very similar to beareavement. Keep going, I know our lives have changed drastically, but there are still things to look forward too. xx
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Re: Losing Friends

Postby Flash » Tue Jan 22, 2013 11:23 am

My life changed dramatically when the place where I volunteered for 10 years decided to get rid of the 'lame duck' and bullied me out.. The people I thought were friends were in fact, just associates. I have kept in contact with a couple of others who have left but that's it. They live some distance away and are elderly so I try to visit them on the train which isn't often because I always feel so washed out and am in pain.

It is hard trying to get on especially if you had an active life before but I guess it's one of the things we have to try to find a way around.

This site helps to an extent as there are others who understand. I know it's no substitute for our past lives but it's a way towards possitive changes we can make, it stops us from being so issolated.

Take care X
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Re: Losing Friends

Postby csangel » Tue Jan 22, 2013 11:44 am

Hi,
I'm going through this exact thing with my best friend at the moment! long story, but I'm the one that always has to make the effort, and more often than not get no reply or get let down at the last minute when I've organised things, and I just don't have the energy for it anymore.

She's not been about much while I've been going through the whole diagnosis thing, so have just today sent her a message on facebook, updating her on me and which way things are going, and am going to pretty much leave it at that.

They say that you find out who your true friends are when you go through something like this. It is really hard to accept though! Sorry that wasn't much good advice - I'm a bit stuck what to do too, but try not to stress yourself too much. You aren't the only one having to go through this.

Lucy x
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Re: Losing Friends

Postby *Lisa* » Tue Jan 22, 2013 12:02 pm

Iv lost most of my friends especially the ones i have grown up with whom since being really bad from fibro i just dont hear from and they never visit. A few are on my facebook yet never speak to me :-? In fact one of them copied a status on facebook about invisable illnesses and said it was close to there heart as they knew some one with fibro YET they never call/message or visit me or ask if im ok??????? :shock: :roll: that made me mad :evil: looking like a saint yet in reality couldnt give a monkeys!

the only friends left are the ones struggling themselves with illnesses (thats only a few) and they live miles away :(

I have one good male friend who has helped me so much in the past but as his life is moving on i raraely see him now but he still calls/messages me which i feel is very kind of him.

Funny thing is if a good friend of mine was very poorly i would always be there to help and support them cause thats what friends are for! i remember always puttin myself last to help others. I suppose not everyone thinks and feels the same and its true what the sayin goes... you know who your friends are when you need them the most and sadly for many people its very few!
As a Public Moderator & Admin of this forum my opinions/views expressed are personal and are no more valid than those of other members and not necessarily those of UKFibromyalgia...Lisa
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Re: Losing Friends

Postby FluppyPuffy » Tue Jan 22, 2013 12:27 pm

*Lisa* wrote:.....if a good friend of mine was very poorly i would always be there to help and support them cause thats what friends are for! i remember always puttin myself last to help others. I suppose not everyone thinks and feels the same and its true what the sayin goes... you know who your friends are when you need them the most and sadly for many people its very few!

Sadly that sums things up perfectly Lisa :( :( As well as sharing a range of symptoms, a lot of us also seem to share some character traits as well.

Pre~FM, I was just like you've described. When things started appearing and I found myself in need of someone to do something similar for me, those "friends" vanished in a puff of green smoke :waiting: :waiting: :waiting:

On the flip side tho, it can bring support and understanding from very unexpected places. People who we only see now and again have been amazing, esp compared to those who you would expect to offer support and understanding unconditionally. So now, the group of people I have actual, physical contact with is very small. I found it upsetting at first, but now I know that this small group are people who I can rely on should I find myself needing some help.
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Re: Losing Friends

Postby rowie81 » Tue Jan 22, 2013 1:25 pm

HI

Iam new on here after my GP had me in tears about me loosing my identity....not really just ment my social life/friends/something to talk about when you see friends or my hubby comes home.

I know how you feel as iam seeing less and less of my friends as time goes by...think they fed up of me dropping out on nights out...not going shopping all day...and generally just being boaring from staying in all the time because of the pain and tiredness.

Wish i could give you some advice on what to do but iam not sure.

I have recenly tried to give myself a kick up the bum and organised a few of us goindg to a quiz night at the pub...figured its a good excuse to get out, have a few and still get to ahve a laugh whist sitting down!!

Anyway hope things improve for you...some so called frineds can be fickel but true friends would try to do things that include you if you let them know what your capable of.

As far as facebook is concerned iam not even on it..i decided years ago (to me anyway) that most of the friends/aka stangers on there i never see and its just good for being noisy or showing off.. well thats what i tell myself anyway..hahaha.

Good luck hun
xxx
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Re: Losing Friends

Postby denys » Tue Jan 22, 2013 2:02 pm

True friends show up when needed, have you tried explaining FM to people if talking on the internet you can always send links to the informative sites such as the NHS.

Unfortunately the sad fact is that as another poster has said, people have busy lives and dont stop to see what has happened to those who's life has changed direction :( :( :(
Denys

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Re: Losing Friends

Postby LouLou » Tue Jan 22, 2013 3:18 pm

Hi wanderingstar

I'm pretty much the same as other posters on here. I'm in my late 20's and I used to go out clubbing and pubbing, socialising etc all the time. Now I have FM I struggle to do anything that involves being around lots of people. It's just the effort of getting ready, meeting somewhere and then making conversation often wears me out alot!

I too had lots of what I suppose at the time were friends, but looking back now I know they can't have been real friends at all. The odd few have really stuck by me and understand if I can't do something. I still get the guilt trip off certain people but I refuse to let it get to me. In a way I've had to learn to be a bit selfish and do what I know I can and what's right for me and no more - still learning this and it's hard but I'm trying to stick with it lol.

The people we do socialise with are willing to just pop to our house so I am in the warm, no need to get dressed up and we order in food and have a good catch up. Much better than sitting in a pub/club where you have to shout at each other to be heard (wow I sound older than my years there lol)

For a lot of people it's just a simple case of not knowing what we are going through as most of the time I know I look like I'm fine when I'm in agony. It's not something you can easily see. If you have tried explaining your illness and people still won't make the effort with you like you do with them, then they can't have been a good friend in the first place.

You have lots of support and fellow sufferes on here it's like a big family lol so you're not alone.

xx
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Re: Losing Friends

Postby jazzbabe » Tue Jan 22, 2013 4:06 pm

I'm lucky in that I'm pretty self sufficient but I get frustrated with family more than friends. Mum expects me to run to her and moans that I don't go to see her but she has been pretty off with my partner so he doesn't want to go over and as I rely on him to drive most of the time it makes life difficult.
My daughter is the same, she is perfectly able to come to me and at one point she used to turn up and expect lunch but we had a spat because she doesn't want my partner meeting the in laws because he's got long hair and so wouldn't allow us to take my grand daughters birthday present and I couldn't drive to hers on my own so we still have presents from September and now Christmas presents because she was due on Boxing day but didn't bother to turn up. I had texted her to say we were available but heard nothing but apparently I'm to blame?

I have friends who pop in but I have found that I do more for everyone else than they do for me. It is easy to become isolated especially if like us you're in the sticks. I've found entertaining at home is the easiest way there's no rushing about getting ready and sitting in noisy pubs which is challenging when sensitive to noise. So many times we've been due to go out but I've just not been able to face it.
Perhaps arrange a little get together with a few nibbles. If you can get stuff that is easy to prepare or that can be done in stages so you have time to rest in between? Or how about getting an Avon rep in so there is a good reason for doing it then you'll also get a little treat for your efforts.
I must admit I don't do girly things I'm happier going to watch friends doing track days or going bike racing and luckily I have a friend who is happy to pick me up for that.
Keep your chin up hon at least you are finding out who your true friends are, some are just transitional some are keepers it's sorting out which is which that is the hardest and most hurtful part but once you find your close circle you will be happier.
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Re: Losing Friends

Postby FluppyPuffy » Tue Jan 22, 2013 4:47 pm

jazzbabe wrote: I must admit I don't do girly things I'm happier going to watch friends doing track days .
Given the chance that's the sort of thing I'd be doing, or maybe an Ann Summers party rather than an Avon one :bear-dancing: :bear-dancing: :bear-dancing: :bear-dancing:
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Re: Losing Friends

Postby Pepperty » Tue Jan 22, 2013 5:06 pm

I have to agree that my local freinds/some family members have become distant, mostly because I let them down with plans made over and over again and after time they stop involving you? I can see their viewpoint, so many months/years of me saying at last minute ' Sorry I cant come along' not because I dont want to, because I cant manage? They have stopped inviting me.

I accept its understandable, they dont know what fibromyalgia is, the buildup before diagnosis can be an issue, you know you cant manage/summon energy etc. I think they presume 'you cant be bothered' :( I even find it difficult with close family, again - they presume I'm unintested/careless, rather than it all being too much of a struggle... there comes a time where self preservation kicks in and you will stop worrying how people view you. You have to learn to keep yourself well -

I do have to say, my IMO, that the internet is a saviour, over the past decade I have made true freindships via it. I converse/socialise/build up newfound relationships via my internet connection and the people I have met through my various interests and hobbies have become real freinds, those that I have met up with and chat to on the computer and on phone, a real lifesaver!

I dont suppose they understand my/our limitations any more than others but least they take you as they find you and if that means they think I'm lazy......its all they know of me :lol:
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Re: Losing Friends

Postby rdmthomas1 » Tue Jan 22, 2013 7:42 pm

This has happened to me - my social life is next to none existent and at times I feel very isolated. I have a couple of friends who seem to understand my situation and I'm grateful for their support. At one point I noticed my colleagues at work didn't say much to me then one day I felt well and in good spirits and everyone said hello and chatted. I think when I feel crap I put up a barrier so I don't have to use up any of my precious energy on small talk and I probably depressed them by being honest when they asked how I was but it took me a couple of years to realise that most people were reacting to my demeaner rather than avoiding me. I've come to appreciate a smaller circle of friends now - at least I know they're genuine and understand if I can't go out in the evenings. I try to arrange my social engagements earlier in the day ie lunch instead of dinner out. Try to keep positive - it's sometimes all we've got to push us on. :-)
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Losing Friends

Postby Morgana » Tue Jan 22, 2013 8:17 pm

I go out to dinner with two friends every second Weds of the month and that is it. We go out at 7pm because one is a swim teacher who has a young baby and the other is a gym instructor who works the (very!) early shift on a Thursday... I normally go to bed as soon as I get home from work, sleep for an hour and a half, and then get ready and go out. I'm lucky that I finish early and can have a kip before heading out.

Back in September I was supposed to go to London to a gig. It was a big thing for me; the guy performing is a friend and I was meeting up with people I thought were friends... In the end I couldn't go, and not one of them contacted me or asked where I was... they still haven't. The only person to text me was someone I knew in passing, a young girl I'd met once. That really hurt me. After everything I've done for them over the years; I thought I meant more to them than that.

Sorry, I threadjacked you

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Re: Losing Friends

Postby jazzbabe » Tue Jan 22, 2013 8:38 pm

FluppyPuffy wrote:
jazzbabe wrote: I must admit I don't do girly things I'm happier going to watch friends doing track days .
Given the chance that's the sort of thing I'd be doing, or maybe an Ann Summers party rather than an Avon one :bear-dancing: :bear-dancing: :bear-dancing: :bear-dancing:


Of course in an ideal world I'd be whizzing around on my little bike but I think that is a bit much to ask for! Although our local track does taster sessions of 20 mins which isn't so expensive. It would be a waste to pay for a whole session and only manage a couple of laps.

It's a case of finding little things that you can do or you can watch friends doing without getting too tired. Pacing is so important but I must admit I'm useless at it, I still over do it and break before I can go out. The other thing I find is that if I'm really excited about going somewhere it's guaranteed I will be ill and not able to do it so I don't know if there is a psychological issue which plays a part. I know stress is a killer so is it possible that on a sub conscious level the anticipation affects us and so we miss things that we actually should be able to do?
A small circle of true friends who understand is far more important than a long list of fair weather friends.
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