Relationship problems due to fibro !!

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Relationship problems due to fibro !!

Postby Pinkprincess205 » Sun Feb 10, 2013 12:26 pm

Morning all.
I have had fibro for nearly 3 years. I have been with my boyfriend for just over 2 months. Well i have explained everything to him about my fibro and my migraine balance dizzy condition. He seemed to take it all in, not sure if he understands it all, like anyone on the outside that hasnt come accross it before, i can imagine its hard to understand. But hes really caring and makes sure i take tablets etc.
Well as i have had it for 3 years i have come accross alot of people over that time where people dont understand it, they question if its real and just seem like they dont care. So now im used to just keeping my symptoms to myself as its easier than explaining all the time, and i dont want to be seen as a constant moaner.
Well when i get tired, achy or just down i go really quiet and the boyfriend starts irritating me by asking what hes done wrong and why im being moody etc which just makes me more angry. I just cant cope when i am having a bad day, so i seem to be getting into daily arguments with him. He wants me to tell him when im feeling ill/down rather than arguing. But for 3 years of just keeping it to myself i find it hard to tell him, i know im pushing him away and i just cant help it. Its like i want him to be a mind reading and just sense when im hurting etc and just leave me alone and not talk lol. I just dont know how i can get through this.
Im thinking of going back to the doctors and maybe getting some councilling again, i had it when i first got ill, but had to go private which cost £35 a week, i just cant afford that now.
Anyone have an advice on how i can get myself out of this rut.
Victoria x
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Re: Relationship problems due to fibro !!

Postby Lottebo » Sun Feb 10, 2013 12:50 pm

Hi Victoria
I went on a painmanegement course last year that really helped me. 2 of the days we came there we could bring a family member or friend and we all seemed to have the same problems. It was so nice for my husband to talk to other partners and for them together work out some things they would like from us and we then did the same for them. I have learned to tell my husband "I am having a bad day" and he has learned what that means so he doesn't have to question me.
Ask your doctor about pain manegement. It can make such a difference to your life. Good luck.
Charlotte
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Re: Relationship problems due to fibro !!

Postby Pete » Sun Feb 10, 2013 1:00 pm

Hi Victoria

fist of all communication is the key with most problems like this but sometimes like that has happened to me in the past that people sometimes just can't understand or don't want too sadly

and fibro is a very complicated medical condition to deal with and explain to others and you need to tell your partner how it is even if you sound like a constant moaner but he is not going to know until you tell him!

but i will tell you now if you keep arguing that will damage your relationship with him sadly so i would sit him down and really tell him everything and what he is doing that makes you angry towards you!

and things like this will come up and if you manage to get though it all you will come out with a stronger relationship :-)
and as for counseling if you decide that you may benefit from it i would ask your doctor for a referral to see if they can help :-)

so i hope you manage to get though this and just keep the communication lines open then you should be able to work though it all with him :-)

good luck

Pete
A Good Laugh A Day Can take Your Pain Away :D
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Re: Relationship problems due to fibro !!

Postby moomoos » Sun Feb 10, 2013 1:19 pm

Hey Victoria,

What Pete said is right. Only thing is, the person might look like they are listening and taking it all in and understanding, but are they really? If they dont really 'get' it then you can talk till youre blue in the face and it wont make no difference and you'll keep on arguing every day.

I was with a man before I was diagnosed with FM and all was fine until that day. After that things changed. I could tell he didnt really want to hear and he used to tell me I was just sitting around being miserable, when really I was sitting in pain and unable to go out and about and do things. This used to really anger me like it does you cos no matter how much I tried to explain he just didnt 'get' it, or didnt want to 'get' it. As Pete says, we did argue every day and the relationship is now finished. I tried to work hard on saving it but in the end I could see it werent going to work once he found out I was going to be ill long term.

I hope you get some help and dont end up losing the relationship if you think its worth saving.

Good luck and I hope all turns out well for you xx
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Re: Relationship problems due to fibro !!

Postby Iceskatemum » Sun Feb 10, 2013 1:22 pm

Even with out FM, new relationships have thier difficult times as two people get to know each other. the fact that your loving BF is so accepting of your FM and want to help you when you feel bad is real plus for you but you do need to talk and discuss how to manage the bad times .

You have explained things to us here, so why not let him read you post or better still, sit down with him when you aren't feeling tired & cross and explain how you feel people have reacted to your Fm over the last 3 yrs and why you have felt the need to keep things to your self.

Emphisise that when you are feeling low , tired & sore you tend to have a shorter fuse, which unfortunatly has meant that you have taken things out on him and although you appreciate his concerns, at that stage you really can't talk about how you are feeling, you just need to do whats best for you to help you through the situation .

It would probably be good if the two of you could take time & discuss these episodes at a time your aren't having a migraine etc. Use the opportunity to let him know what you need to do when you aren't feeling well to get comfortable etc. and how you have appreciated his concern even if you have not shown it very well .

IF he wants to help you when you are unwell let him know in advance of things that he can do to help you through those difficult times. Perhaps when you start to feel unwell you could alert him that it isn't one of your better days with a simple word or phrase that then means you don't need to explain things in detail as you have already done that during your chat.


When my OH & I began to go out he couldn't cope when I had a migraine as he had never been around anyone who had them before , over the years we have developed a good routine for when I feel a migraine coming on.

If I am very ill and can't so things for myself he understands to close the bedroom curtains, etc as he knows I prefer to rest up in a cool dark room until the meds kick in and I can sleep it off .

The children growing up knew not to have the TV loud or keep running up the stairs ...little things but easy to suggest on days when you are not in the middle of an attack and just want to bite the head of everyone around you .

Hope you soon have better days and you and your loving boyfriends can work things out.
xx
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Re: Relationship problems due to fibro !!

Postby LouLou » Mon Feb 11, 2013 11:32 am

Hi Victoria

I've been with my other half 8 years and he knew me before FM. Before I was diagnosed he realy struggled to understand what was wrong with me and I "looked ok" yet was saying I was in agony and couldn't move and that I'd slept 15 hours yet was saying I was still tired. Then I got an actual diagnosis and things got better for us. He did his own research and listened to me and we stopped clashing heads about things lol.

I agree that starting out in a new relationship under "normal" circumstances is hard enough as it is without throwing fibro into the mix. Me and my other half are far from perfect but have found that as long as we keep talking to each other we are both able to deal with things more.

Your boyfriend does sound lovely and supportive of you. You haven't been together that long so you haven't had chance to get used to each others signs/signals of certain emotions so you won't know what they mean (I hope that makes sense lol) I just mean that for example if I'm having a bad day now I like you go very quiet, like to keep to myself apart from some gentle cuddles and often I just sleep it off. At first the other half though like your boyfriend that he had upset me and the questions would start. But over time he's come to know the signs as he's come to know me better than anyone else does.

If this guy is someone you want to be with and work through things with then it will take time to work the kinks out and it will be tougher than if you were completely healthy. I completely understand where you are coming form though, so maybe the talk that the other members have recommended would be a good idea? Tell him what a bad day is like for you, what you need from him and how you cope with it etc. That way he will know when you are having a bad day, and will know what to do/not to do for you.

Hope that helps.

Good luck xxxx
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Re: Relationship problems due to fibro !!

Postby Pinkprincess205 » Mon Feb 11, 2013 6:50 pm

Afternoon
Thank you all for your replies.
I didnt tell my bf that i had put the message on here. But once i read all your replies i thought it was best to just show him my message on here and all the replies. I told him to just read it and talk to me after.
Well his first reaction was him thinking that i didnt think we was gonna last. Then he said he doesnt know what to say, so i just left it there. A few hours later he said hes registered on here and said he will find out more about fm himself and talk to other partners/carers of people that have it. He said he wont give me him log in name as he dont want me to snoop lol. So hope fully if he finds stuff out in his own time and find out what other partners do and how they react then maybe he might understand more and maybe i can start to open up more.
Your replies have been a great help, thanks once again.
Vc x
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Re: Relationship problems due to fibro !!

Postby Iceskatemum » Mon Feb 11, 2013 8:27 pm

So glad that our mutterings may have helped . He really does seem a sensitive soul that obviously thinks a lot of you .I wish you both well for the future :-D
I have asked my OH to find out more about Fm and to date I know he has only read one little piece I sent him as a starter /into piece, not sure why he hasn't gone further maybe he's scared of what he will find out . I hope your BF get the support & answers he needs from the forum .
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Re: Relationship problems due to fibro !!

Postby LouLou » Tue Feb 12, 2013 10:09 am

Victoria you are more than welcome

He really does sound like he cares a lot about you and I agree with ISM. Men like to be in charge and "fix" things and look after us mere helpless women lol but with FM there isn't anything much they can do and I suppose that's frustrating for them. I know that's the one thing that frustrates my Other Half as he feels he is letting me down by not protecting me from this.

Just keep talking and be honest with each other and your feelings/thoughts. Wish you both the best and I hope you can find your own path to dealing with this together.

xxxx
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Re: Relationship problems due to fibro !!

Postby buxbunny » Tue Feb 12, 2013 11:30 pm

I completely understand but im coming from opposite prospective as i don't like to "moan" about condition as constant you end up sounding like a broken record on repeat. Most of our days our in silence and i love her more than i do myself but when she makes comments i could honestly murder her. I found it helps leaving some material up or even browsing the forum and reading my posts to see things i forget to say. Unfortunately i am set in my ways with years of practice keeping everything to myself and not so easy break cycle of conditioning. It does help she has a friend who had a friend with fibromyalgia and she couldn't even use a mobile phone so patience is the key.
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
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