Guilt!

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Guilt!

Postby Flaw » Sat Feb 16, 2013 11:32 pm

How do you guys deal with the guilt that comes with FM?
I'm currently having an awful flare and feel so guilty. My wonderful boyfriend has bought us a little house but he's always there alone as when I don't feel well or when I suffer from particularly bad anxiety the only place I feel I can recuperate and feel 'safe' is at my mums'
Feel like such a child (I'm 29) I want to be 'normal' and live with my boyfriend dammit!
He tries to be so understanding too. He's happy to support me and doesn't mind me sleeping all day- he just wants me to do it at our new place so he can see me and look after me. I really struggle to sleep at our new place. We've had it 6 months and I've only slept there a handful of times. I end up getting extra tired from not sleeping as I'm a really light sleeper and if he moves it wakes me up. He tries to not move in the night bless him and avoids getting up for the loo!

FM is crippling in so many ways. I hate to be self pitying as there's always somebody worse off, but today I just feel so sad for us all struggling on.

A bit of a pointless post but it's nice to share thoughts and feelings with people who can understand.
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Re: Guilt!

Postby denys » Sat Feb 16, 2013 11:54 pm

Its not a pointless post, the changes FM causes to our lives and those closest to us causes guilt of course, we cant control all of the changes but we can control how we deal with things. Maybe if you look at what it is about your mum's house that makes you feel so 'safe' and ma
ybe make a few little changes in your new home.

Its always strange sleeping somewhere you arent used to, but this will get better the more you get used to doing it so maybe you have to try not to run to your mums house but brave it out and try to stay at home a bit more, a little bit at a time making yourself more comfortable in your new home will eventually let you relax more.

Try some nice relaxing lavender baths, warm drink and snuggly bedtime might help too :fingerscrossed: things start to improve for you
Denys

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Re: Guilt!

Postby Tina1963 » Sun Feb 17, 2013 9:51 am

Hi Denys

Guilt, most of the time I cry about it.... doesn't do any good, doesn't help, doesn't change anything. But it's what I do.

After 11 years with my partner, I have stopped running, I had no doubts about him loving me, about the fact that I loved him tremendous amounts, but I thought I wasn't being fair to him and that he could have a better, easier life without me and my conditions. I'm so glad he stuck at it and very much hope your fella does too.

Think about the worse that could happen if you stay the night.... then spend the night anyway. Chances are the worse that happens is that you don't sleep....you got time to catch up later, you wont die from it. We get the pain no matter where we are, we just cope with it better with it in familiar surroundings. 1 day at a time. spend 1 night then leave it a few nights then do 2 nights but not one straight after another, give yourself time to catch up on sleep.

Also try and do what Flaw suggested. Please Don't let it take as long as me.... We have a lot of lovely times together now and I regret I didn't try harder sooner

Good luck and work hard.... as for guilt ..... its a useless emotion that can take over your life, but keep telling yourself that he has 2 choices staying with you or leaving you .... and he is choosing to stay and love you.

Tina x
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Re: Guilt!

Postby Tina1963 » Sun Feb 17, 2013 9:53 am

Sorry I got the people the wrong way round.... Fog or old age? :crazy: :lol:
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Re: Guilt!

Postby FluppyPuffy » Sun Feb 17, 2013 2:57 pm

Not a pointless post at all Flaw, it's clearly weighing on your mind and with you sharing it with us, it would suggest that you're wanting to find a way forward to resolve things.

As well as turning lives upside down, FM does the same with our thoughts and feeling and emotions, so things that you would have taken in your stride previously may now seem impossible to sort out, which then stirs things up emotionally which then stirs up the physical things and you carry on in this vein, with the emotional feeding the physical and the physical feeding the emotional until a solution finally appears :facepalm: :facepalm: :facepalm: When that solution appears tho, that isn't always the end of it, from my own experiences I've found that the solution is quite often much easier to implement and the events that lead to the final outcome aren't usually anywhere as near as scary as I had imagined them to be, so I then spend a bit more time afterwards being really annoyed with myself for getting so worked up about things :facepalm: :facepalm: :facepalm:

What is it at your mum's that makes her house feel so safe for you?? I was wondering if it was something that could be recreated in your house to give you that "special place" to go to when you find you need to.

Going from seeing someone to living with them is a big step in any relationship, so it's understandable that you feel how you do. Over time tho, as you get into being together, it does get easier. Your boyfriend sounds like one of the special ones who will do whatever he can to help you, so maybe now is the time for you to start finding ways to do this together.

Like Denys has said, getting used to being somewhere new and different takes time, so if you can find a way to help with this, you'll have taken that first and extremely HHUUUUUGGGGGEEEEE step :penguin: :penguin: :penguin: These things take time, trying to rush them won't help, it needs to be done at a suitable rate for you. Maybe start with an odd night with a few nights back at your mum's before you stay for another night and see how that goes.

When you're ready to move on to say 2 nights together, maybe trying it over a weekend and approaching it as if you've gone away gone away for a weekend together and do a few things together that you might do together if you were away. When you're comfy with having a "weekend away" there, then maybe consider changing some little changes to things to make it so you're living together for the weekend, maybe staying for an extra night, with the aim of working towards staying there for a full week at some point in the future, and just see how things go. It's not an unsolvable problem, it's a case of finding what is the right way for you to solve it.

Regardless of how long we have this condition, the emotions and thoughts and things will still be there. What can happen tho is that we can accept/acknowledge that they are there, and find a more suitable way to deal with them when they do force their way out of their boxes. They will still have an effect on things, but this effect can be lessened and controlled to a degree.
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Re: Guilt!

Postby Flaw » Mon Feb 18, 2013 2:04 pm

Thanks for the replies!
Feeling a lot more positive about it now. I know it's going to be very hard but he is definitely worth it :) I count myself lucky every day for having someone take me on board!

Hope you're all enjoying the day- it's sunny in hertfordshire. Makes such a difference. Roll on spring!
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Re: Guilt!

Postby shazq » Mon Feb 18, 2013 6:23 pm

Hi flaw

You have been given some good advice just wanted to say :goodluck1:
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Re: Guilt!

Postby Flaw » Thu Feb 21, 2013 12:52 am

There's always fantastic advice on here! I'm mostly a lurker as i find out so much from the posts :)
It's a really wonderful forum :)
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