Daughter wants to help her mum , need help and advice

All your fibromyalgia experiences, questions and answers.

Moderators: perseus, *Lisa*, FluppyPuffy

Daughter wants to help her mum , need help and advice

Postby creativedaughter » Sun Feb 17, 2013 6:20 pm

Hello ,

I've not posted here since september last year , I was brought to this forum as my mum is a sufferer of fibromyalgia has been for over 9 years and since losing my dad over four years ago to a sudden heartattack her health has slowly began to decline and her fibromyalgia is getting worse. The advice many of the lovely members here gave me on my last post truly did help as I've since then went ahead to try and help my mum claim DLA ( disability living allowance) to ease her stress and financial difficulties like many of you she feels she cant provide for herself and desperately wants to work but physically can't. I've tried to get appointments with specialists and such to help her deal with her fibromyalgia to find some kind of solution. However all seem to not be getting us very far as DLA declined her application and the specialists have cancelled on her 3 times in a row, in addition to sending her to the wrong doctors and embarassing her thinking shes getting help with her fibro to find shes been forwarded to them for something completely different .

I'm now 22 years old trying to pursue the career as a freelance illustrator , I have been trying my best whilst juggling 3 jobs ( two in school term and one in the holidays) and a university degree to help my mum the best way I can whilst also making time for myself. I decided to live at home throughtout uni as it was better for myself and to support her better emotionally ,financially and to be there for my family ( I have a younger sister who lacks directions in her life and needs somebody also to help her atm as shes recently been confirmed as a dyslexic ) .

However I feel that no matter how much I have tried to help and understand I'm not getting as far as I had hoped with helping my mum to better her health and future whilst also trying to build my own. Lately she is extremely depressed ( her anniversary and valentines just passed so that accounts for alot of it) and very often will spend hours in bed due to lack of motivation , energy and sleep and I perfectly understand that this isn't very good for her but can only assume that her fibro + depression makes her this way. I feel also she is unable to show myself or my sister the affection and support we need due to the fact my dad simply isn't here anymore she feels she has no purpose. Its slightly upsetting for me that my mum feels she has no future when I try to tell her that one day she will find somebody special who dad will have picked for her, I will have a baby who will need a nana to teach and tell him about his grandad and all the wonderful things she's done/ seen and that I will need her to guide me and my sister in life also. Trying to make her see she still has things to look forward to and life isnt so bad.

She doesnt have another partner in her life at the moment ,she recently (November time) came out of a 2 year relationship which she put 110% into , she would spend 5 days with him at a time where we would not see her very much or even eat meals together and I felt she may have become a little to attached on a man giving her meaning in life since she had been happily married to dad for 23 years but then again I cannot say for sure . I suppose in this post really I just needed to write down everything of how I'm feeling and also seek some advice , My mum isn't a bad parent I just feel shes very lost .

I'm trying to convince her into selling her cars to purchase an automatic to better her life more for the future however again I'm stuck in the rutt where she feels I'm lecturing her and I'm the child not the parent.Any advice greatly appreciated.
creativedaughter
UKFM Member
 
Posts: 10
Joined: Mon Sep 24, 2012 11:09 am

Re: Daughter wants to help her mum , need help and advice

Postby Gaia » Sun Feb 17, 2013 7:32 pm

Have you tried writing things down to show your mum how you feel? You sound like a fantastic daughter and I very much doubt you could do any more for her than you do!

I would try to get your mum to seek help from her GP with regard to her depression etc and that will help her cope with her fibro - but if you want my blunt and honest truth I think your mum needs a kick up the backside. Yes she has lost her husband - but you have lost your father - yes she may be depressed and in deep pain - but you have your studies to work at and it is unrealistic of her to think you can be there for her all the time - when she doesn't appear to be there for you and your sister much :(

Go with her to the GP if she will let you and explain things for her if she is unable to do it herself. Also, ask for her to be referred to a pain management clinic for the fibro *and* ask for her to get some counselling for her grief over your dad. It sounds like she's never got over it and she needs to realise that your dad would not want her to be this way. Perhaps she thinks she cannot cope without a husband or partner and counselling will help her with that, as she really can cope once she has the ability to work around her grief and fears.

Above all, please do not allow your home life to come between you and your studies or years from now you may find yourself still taking care of your mother and sister without ever having had the chance at a life of your own.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but I was once in your shoes looking after both my parents and over the course of 20 years I found my own life ebb away and all my dreams were gone. Now some years later I have fibro and other health problems, so even though my parents are now both gone, I cannot do the things I would like now I have the chance because my body is stopping me, rather than my parents.

You only have one life, so make sure you live it!
Gaia
UKFM Member
 
Posts: 54
Joined: Mon Aug 06, 2012 4:04 pm

Re: Daughter wants to help her mum , need help and advice

Postby creativedaughter » Sun Feb 17, 2013 8:21 pm

I will and do try and put myself first, all that I'm doing I am doing for me because its my passion and I wanted to achieve what I have so that my parents would also be proud of me even though I know my mum finds it hard to show sometimes. After days at uni I very often come home late due to working, do the cleaning /washing when I have a free time on days away from uni and cooking ( we take it in turns to cook) .

My mum is currently on medication for her depression not very often will she go to the doctors because she doesnt like wasting their time if theres somebody who needs to see them more she says. I don't think she has ever been for counciling to help her with losing dad but I know the waiting list is huge but your right it maybe something that could help her move forward from that . I love her to pieces but I do feel theres a big rift between how we used to be and how things are now, I really want my old mum back sometimes I catch glimpses of her and how she used to be (very affectionate/ huggy/ saying how proud she is etc) but when she goes back to how she is its just really sad.

I graduate this April, mums currently in a stressful worry over finances and I told her things will be fine aslong as she follows my advice ( dad taught me about money and bills etc) , I know its not my place but all I can do is advise as far as I'm concerned thing will start for me once I graduate I just hope my mum will be understanding and supportive of me that my business will take time to grow and despite how much I care I will want a life of my own to.
creativedaughter
UKFM Member
 
Posts: 10
Joined: Mon Sep 24, 2012 11:09 am

Re: Daughter wants to help her mum , need help and advice

Postby bonnieblue » Sun Feb 17, 2013 8:43 pm

oh darling what a fantastic daughter and woman you are but please please show your mum what you have written, i know if this was my daughter i would want to know and believe me i do also have fantastic daughters that do all your doing but i would want to know if they felt like this and im so sure your mum would do too. sometimes we need a kick up the bum to motivate us. and sweetie have you asked your mum to appeal the dla result? talk to your mum asap and take time for yourself as well, is there any other relatives or friends of your mum that could relieve you sometimes? take care darling you are doing a fantastic job but your mum def needs to know how your feeling... go on have that chat. wishing you all the best and lots of love and hugs xxxxx
bonnieblue
UKFM Newbie
 
Posts: 9
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2013 12:58 pm

Re: Daughter wants to help her mum , need help and advice

Postby creativedaughter » Sun Feb 17, 2013 8:57 pm

Hi bonnie,

Unfortunately when dad died our family disappeared to so it is just the 3 of us and mum has very few friends , I have spoken to my mum and told her how I feel before now in the nicest way possible, I love her to pieces however either ears close or things get forgotten. Apparently we need the evidence from specialists about mums fibromyalgia before we can move any further with the revised DLA application by which will have probably changed in april time so we'd need to apply all over again for pp something. Thanks for your message x
creativedaughter
UKFM Member
 
Posts: 10
Joined: Mon Sep 24, 2012 11:09 am

Re: Daughter wants to help her mum , need help and advice

Postby miller » Mon Feb 18, 2013 1:48 am

oh dear cannot even begin to reply now i am crying so much very similar circumstances to mine but i have just had to tell my partner of 30 years plus that i think he should leave, my daughters are fantastic but there is only so much people can do to help ,the rest has to come from the fibro sufferer which is not an easy ask ,we dont want to be this way and have our loved ones upset eneryday is a struggle .
miller
UKFM Member
 
Posts: 56
Joined: Thu Mar 08, 2012 12:47 am

Re: Daughter wants to help her mum , need help and advice

Postby bonnieblue » Mon Feb 18, 2013 10:04 am

hi darling, how are you feeling today? hope you and your mum are as well as can be expected. i think what you need to do then honey is to try and find a support worker someone that can help you out and give you advice that you really need. if the doctor is not very supportive maybe try a different one? but please get some help try cab to help direct you or even speak to a friendly nurse/receptionist at your doctors in confidence someone must be able to help you there. many hugs and love to you both take care xxxxx
bonnieblue
UKFM Newbie
 
Posts: 9
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2013 12:58 pm

Re: Daughter wants to help her mum , need help and advice

Postby creativedaughter » Mon Feb 18, 2013 3:56 pm

Hi bonnieI'm alright today thank you just got home from work mums not very well today but is feeling alot better in herself emotionally. I'm hoping when I get the right opportunity to talk to her about the things we've suggested and getting help etc things will go well ( my mum is awfully stubborn and doesnt like asking people / doctors etc for help since she feels people think she's telling fibs about her fibro and pain etc) .

Miller I'm sorry to hear your going through such a hard time, If you daughters are like me they will stand by you through the hard times and the fibro , I konw my mum would be herself if she could and she didn't pick fibro it picked her :( . I know theres only so much i can do to help my mum she has to want to help herself I just want her to understand that she is important to us . Despite whats happened with her partner / boyfriend leaving her we've always been here me and my sister even if we got put aside for a time .
creativedaughter
UKFM Member
 
Posts: 10
Joined: Mon Sep 24, 2012 11:09 am

Re: Daughter wants to help her mum , need help and advice

Postby bonnieblue » Mon Feb 18, 2013 10:11 pm

Hi sweetie glad your feeling ok and that your mums a little better. i know what you mean about how your mum feels i always feel like a hypocondriac (cant spell it) but know that to help me and my family that i must always see the doctor when i need help and to be honest. i really hope that you can talk to your mum asap fingers crossed for you and get some much needed help and advice please dont try to cope on your own with your mum and sister too, please darling get some help from somewhere, big hugs and thinking of you take care always here for a chat anytime, can add me on fb if you would like, take care xx
bonnieblue
UKFM Newbie
 
Posts: 9
Joined: Mon Feb 11, 2013 12:58 pm

Re: Daughter wants to help her mum , need help and advice

Postby Flaw » Thu Feb 21, 2013 1:31 am

Hiya,

I'm not sure how bed bound your mum is or if you already have one, but how about a pet? It might sound a bit odd but my dog gives me so much joy! Even though some days it's the last thing I want to do, walking her (8 times out of 10) makes me feel better and I have to get up to feed her even on days where my mood is black. It gives me something outside of myself. Doesn't have to be a dog of course! I think animal therapy works wonders.

Is your mum on this forum? Encourage her to come on or to at least start reading. She'll find some much help and advice and hopefully she won't feel so alone.
Flaw
UKFM Member
 
Posts: 61
Joined: Sat Oct 06, 2012 11:05 am
Location: Hertfordshire

Re: Daughter wants to help her mum , need help and advice

Postby creativedaughter » Thu Feb 21, 2013 10:46 pm

Hi there , we have 3 dogs which my mum isnt strong enough to walk they are golden retrievers and quite energetic they easily pull mum over so again its mine and my sisters responsibility to walk them . The dogs can sense mums not very well and want to be around her but very often she just wants to sleep all the time. I could ask her about joining this forum but I'd be a little worried about her seeing my posts and potentially knowing its me thats all I'm slightly worried about.

I'm currently trying to prepare her for when me and my sister finish education this year, mums not to good with money however shes not to good at listening either shes quite stubborn and again I'm not quite sure what to do but hayho can only get better surely cant get any worse :) . xx
creativedaughter
UKFM Member
 
Posts: 10
Joined: Mon Sep 24, 2012 11:09 am


Return to Living with Fibromyalgia

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 9 guests