Having children

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Having children

Postby KellyBelly » Sat Mar 23, 2013 6:05 pm

Hi all,

Firstly, let me send everyone some gentle hugs - I don't know about you guys, but this sudden cold snap and snow is playing havoc with my fibro!

Now to my question:

I have a friend with MS, she is in her 40s and has 2 children in Primary school. We were chatting and she said that if she'd been diagnosed when she was younger, she might not have made the decision to start a family (she had her children pre-diagnosis). Her reasoning behind this was that she was scared that her children will, more than likely, end up being her carers and that she was already feeling guilty about putting this burden on her children. She was also worried about the hereditary factor with her disability. She is a fantastic mother and loves her children dearly - but I understood what she meant.

This got me to thinking about my situation. I am in my early 30s and my partner and myself have not yet started a family. I have always wanted to be a mother and figured that I had plenty of time to start my family.

But is this true?

Over the last 2 years, my fibro has got progressively worse. I also have dysautomina and suspected lupus. Should I start a family? Should I knowingly have children when I have more days than not that are spent in ridiculous amounts of pain? Should I start a family when my disorders are known to be genetic? I could pass this life of pain onto my children - but, on the other side of the coin, I might not.

But my question is this: To those of you who had children prior to diagnosis, would you still have had children if you'd been diagnosed earlier? And to those of you who have yet to start a family (but want to) - where do you stand on this?

I really truly want to be a mother - but I can't decide if it would be incredibly selfish of me to do so.

(I just want to add: I honestly do not want to upset any of you guys - I realise my topic could be quite explosive - I'm not trying to hurt anyones feelings or insult anyone. I truly hope none of you take offence to my questions. This is something that's been going round in my head for quite a while and having this conversation with my MS-friend made me think about it even more. I'm quite depressed by it all to be honest.....I work with babies, and everyday is torture at the moment because all I can think about is being a mum)
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Re: Having children

Postby Lottebo » Sat Mar 23, 2013 6:55 pm

Hi Kelly
I am 39 and had my son (only child) 6 years ago, a year before I was diagnosed with Fibro, but I was already in pain. I had also been diagnosed with ME 5 years earlier (I was getting much better at the time), have had diabetes Type 1 since I was quite young and depression.
My husband and I had been talking about having a child for a couple of years but kept putting it off as we were worried about the impact on my health. However I then got pregnant after an "accident" and we were both over the moon as the decision was sort of taken out of our hands. The pregnancy was hard as I had lots of check-ups and could not take antidepressants.
Having our son is the best thing that has ever happened to us and it makes me fight even harder every day because I want to be there for him. He really keeps me going and I am sure that without him I would be a lot worse. I don't know if he has inherited any of my healthproblems, but to be honest even with all the pain and other healthproblems I still love my life. I will however not put my health at risk to have another chil'd. I am very blessed to have an amazing son who is very caring and protective and he never complains that his Mummy can't run around and play with him. That's just the way his Mummy has always been, so he accepts that.
No one can tell you what's right for you. Having a child that sometimes need to help their Mum is not a bad thing and most children actually really likes that. Of course it is really hard though if they have to be a carer to their parent.
Good luck with your decision.
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Re: Having children

Postby Poseypig » Sat Mar 23, 2013 7:06 pm

I can understand where your friend is coming from. It was actually having my son that seems to have trigger my fibro but given the choice I'd do it all over again. I do worry that I might have passed this on to him or that one day he may become my carer. But would you make the decision not to have a family in case you develop cancer? What if you were to be in a car accident that left you paralysed? Stroke, heart attack, dementia; there are so many things that could lead you to needing to be cared for. Not having the family you want is no protection against them. That said, being a parent is not an easy job and it is certainly made more difficult when you suffer with chronic pain, but if anything my condition has helped my son develop a great empathy for others and it has shown him that life can be difficult but you can overcome.

When I became unexpectedly pregnant about 18 months ago, I had all those concerns. I was 38 and had suffered from fibro since 2000. I had a ton of medication I relied on for my day to day existence but my gp was excellent in reassuring me and told me that for a lot of women the symptoms became less during pregnancy. For a few weeks I was lucky enough to see an improvement in my pain. Unfortunately, I lost the baby but it wasn't connected to the fibro. I only mention it because pregnancy doesn't have to be bad news on the fibro front.

Talk to your partner, see how he feels about it all. Go see your gp and discuss your concerns. I can honestly say from my point of view that being a mum is worth every last moment of pain I've experienced.

Good luck xx
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Re: Having children

Postby joboulton74 » Sat Mar 23, 2013 7:38 pm

hi I understand what u r saying I have been trying for children for 8 yrs and been diagnosed fibro 6 yrs ago, i am not 38.5 and last yr found out couldnt have children naturally so would need ivf. Due to the lovely tablet pregablin i had doubled in weight so couldnt go on list finally in feb i was placed on ivf list the very last mth i could b put on list as 38.5 is oldest accept here in wales. I stopped taking pregablin now and in last yr lost over 20kg and still lossing slowly i had stopped smoking too, and i now live on own divorced yr half so on ivf i will have donor and besides family dotted around will b mainly on own.

I understand ppl would not understand but when its ur last chance be a mum u do anything to, i was career girl and always expected to have child now i got fight for it use to it with fibro anyway. Yes will be hard but the baby will be worth it i have come off most tablets before ivf but cross bridge 1 at time. If i dont try would regret it and i would never put on kid been through too much have 1 in first place.

Good luck hun with ur choice but think carefully as u have live with consequences whether regret trying or try and have bundle joy but at least tried x :-)
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Re: Having children

Postby paulamcl » Sat Mar 23, 2013 8:11 pm

i was dx when my son was a year and a half. hes now 3 and a half. I wouldnt change it for anything. He gives me the motivation to get out of bed and get moving. on my bad days i can enjoy snuggling up for movie days. im still learning to take things easy and pace myself but im getting there and it does help and gives me more energy to spend with him. If it wasnt for my son i would probably be house bound and much worse than i am because i wouldnt have the motivation to get moving and be more positive about life. I wouldnt like these illnesses put you off something as important as this especially when you said you want to be a mother. one day at a time. im a single mother with a 3yr old and i have fm and i want another child. i say go for it. it will be hard at times but they are worth it :-D x
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Re: Having children

Postby twinkletoes83 » Sun Mar 24, 2013 12:44 am

Hi I've just had my second child she is 8 weeks old i'm almost 30 . My eldest is 4 i got diagnosed after having her with arthritis in my spine and fibro. I didn't want another after my first not because of fibro because of a horrid pregnancy and traumatic birth....but when she turned 2 broodyNess set in haha. It took a lot of planning and decision making to have another but i wanted y eldest to have someone who Understands and they can be there for each other :) i came off my meds in Oct 2011 and it took 9 months to fall and its been bloody tough i can tell you and i would never put my body through it again but she is more than worth it and its a a tiny drop in a lifetime to acieve happiness . I got diagnosed as hypermobile during pregnancy and like you mild/possible lupus. I may have rethought it if i had knowvabout known about the lupus its hard to say now really, but let me tell.you that you will be so well looked after by medical staff and monitored alto by them . I also haven't been working , i would in no way have been able to work and be pregnant i could hardly walk at the end of it this is not meant to scare you just inform you. I had counselling which really helped me through it all before in planning during and now after . Good luck in your decision making xxx

Amy x
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Re: Having children

Postby lolo73 » Sun Mar 24, 2013 9:16 pm

Like the other have said, my kids are my motivation for not just rolling over and giving into the FMS completely. My kids understand that my condition limits things I can do, they have never known anything any different so accept it all. Winter tend to be worse than summer for me, so I am just looking forward to getting a bit of sun to give me some motivation x
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