Friends and fibromyalgia

All your fibromyalgia experiences, questions and answers.

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Friends and fibromyalgia

Postby Fibro Fi » Mon Jul 01, 2013 2:05 pm

Hi All,
I just wondered if any of you have lost friends because of this illness? I've finally received an email from a friend who firstly put her complaint on Facebook and then defriended me without any explanation. She was upset and hurt because I dint attend her BBQ and I dint personally send a message via text stating I wasn't coming. However, my husband made the apologies for me and I did send her a message later the next day which she also seems mad at me for because it was late in the afternoon. It's a slightly longer story than this but that's about it in a nutshell. She feels that I could have made it for at least an hour. The thing is, I couldn't have been able to. I was in the middle of a flare up, still getting over it actually since May 13th, and I had been in bed all day with headaches,dizziness, nausea and I was unable to stand very long let alone walk to her house. I have found this all very upsetting as I would never deliberately set out to hurt someone. I knew that if I'd pushed myself to go, then I would have been a lot worse. As it was, I still spent the next two days in bed! I hate this illness because I mostly look ok on the outside and no one sees me on the really bad days as i stay in the house! I feel that I can't win as I either have o pretend or hide myself away just so others don't get offended!
Anyway, thanks for listening.
Xxx
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Re: Friends and fibromyalgia

Postby bunnyhugger83 » Mon Jul 01, 2013 2:25 pm

Sorry for your situation. I'm in a similar one. I recently finished my degree whilst suffering really bad symptoms, and I have heard nothing from so-called friends since Christmas. It was my 30th birthday at the weekend and hardly any of who I thought were my good friends sent any messages, let alone a card or anything. It's absolutely awful to feel that, when you need the support of your friends the most, they have completely turned their backs on you. I completely sympathise. But, at the end of the day, this year so far has made me realise who my real friends are and just had me there as social acquaintance. I know my response doesn't give any sort of answer but now you know you're not alone in this siutation. Hope you get some sort of resolution.
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Re: Friends and fibromyalgia

Postby suecam » Mon Jul 01, 2013 2:47 pm

I've had it happen to me too, I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2009. My 'best' friend never once asked me how I was, never called in to see how I was despite the fact she lives up the road and drove past twice a day for work. She couldn't understand why I felt as poorly as I did with chemo etc. She doesn't understand the fibromyalgia either and thinks I'm playing on it and comes out the most disgusting and at times degrading things. Sadly I've come to terms that people come and go into our lives for a reason, some stay a while and some for ever. I'm polite when I see her but have moved on in my life and through various fundraising activities and selling my craft work, I am meeting some genuinely lovely people. Keep your chin up, if you sort things out between you then that's brilliant but don't stress yourself if it doesn't. Things happen for a reason as my mum always says!
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Re: Friends and fibromyalgia

Postby FluppyPuffy » Mon Jul 01, 2013 2:52 pm

Unfortunately conditions like FM do bring out people's true colours, which can result in losing friends. However, it can also bring about support and understanding from some very unexpected sources which can give rise to some very special friendships.

Most of us seem to have gone thru this in some degree or another. Some people can't or won't try to understand what FM is like to live with regardless of how much we try and explain things to them. Others will say they understand how it can be, but when something is affected/changed by us not being able do something or go somewhere with them, then their true colours can come out, as they seem to have done with your "friend" Fi.

In my experience, I have found that not having such fickle people in my life has been far better. Whilst I now have a rather small number of people I feel are worthy of the title "friend", I at least know that they aren't the fair~weather sort and that they accept me as I am, FM, warts and all :bear-dancing: :bear-dancing: :bear-dancing:

If this person is someone you particularly value and want as a friend in your life, you could try and explain things again to see if it makes a difference to her, esp if you can reassure her that it wasn't a slight on her. However, it's not unusual for the same thing to happen again at some point along the way, and with us having limited resources when it comes to dealing with everything that is thrown at us, you need to determine if you can keep going thru this kind of stress and worry :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :flowers: :flowers: :flowers: :flowers:
As a Public Moderator of this forum my opinions/views expressed are personal and are no more valid than those of other members and not necessarily those of UKFibromyalgia.

If your dog doesn't like someone, then you probably shouldn't either
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Re: Friends and fibromyalgia

Postby zaralala » Mon Jul 01, 2013 2:56 pm

I dont mean to be blunt, but these people are not friends.
I would get on the phone, explain exactly how it is and tell them unless they can be more understanding you really dont need them.
Basically I would tell them to FXXK right off!
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Re: Friends and fibromyalgia

Postby helenclaire » Mon Jul 01, 2013 3:17 pm

Hi,

I went through a similar experience with my best friend. We have been friends for about 20 years now. I am absolutely rubbish at talking about me and asking for help, but I told her that I had been diagnosed with Fibro. I thought once I'd told her that she would be there for me more and checking to see if I was ok. I got angry because she didn't do any of that. I didn't understand why she hadn't been away and researched it and seen exactly what was going on, that's what I would have done! I started to get more and more resentful until one day I sent her a message and just said 'I need my best friend'. She was there instantly! Turns out that she didn't want to intrude and 'molly coddle' me, and wanted to wait until I was ready to ask for help, until I realised that I needed help and couldn't manage on my own.

Talk to your friend. She may know that you have Fibro, but she may not know what that entails. Sometimes we assume that people know, but they're not mind readers. Hopefully she'll then understand, if not then move on and don't worry about it. We have more than enough to deal with as it is xx
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Re: Friends and fibromyalgia

Postby Fibro Fi » Mon Jul 01, 2013 8:15 pm

Thank you for your replies as it has really helped. She wasn't a close friend, but it was the way I was snubbed publicly that really hurt and not giving me the opportunity to explain. But, I have explained several times now and it isn't making any difference so I guess she doesn't really understand or even wants to. It's just another symptom of an unseen illness I suppose which is sad. :(
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