How do you know?

All your fibromyalgia experiences, questions and answers.

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How do you know?

Postby SusanS » Tue Jul 30, 2013 7:28 pm

How do you know when enough is enough? How can you tell when you've taken as much as you can and it's time to throw in the towel? At what point do you say to yourself, and anyone who can hear 'I'm done'?

You see, I've spent a long time asking myself these questions and each time my mind 'goes there', a friend or a loved one pulls me back from the brink. I'm not sure what is different about today. Today, I want to pull the covers over my head and hide...and cry. Hot, fat tears of pain, of sorry, of loss; loss of me.

It dawned on me today that whether I like it or not, I am defined by my illnesses. No one see's me anymore. They see this broken, malfunctioning disabled person. But it's not their fault because that's how I see me too. They either feel sorry for me or treat me like I'm an idiot.

It also occurred to me that although I thought I had come to terms with and accepted my illnesses, evidently I haven't. This acceptance and grief thing is hard. How do you begin to accept that what makes you 'you' is dead? How do you begin to accept that no matter how hard you try, you will never, ever be able to achieve the same things again. Everything you ever took for granted is gone. The life you once had; gone. The ability to run, to dance, to feel free, to be me; gone.

You want to articulate how you're feeling but your brain won't allow it. Friends and family who you hoped would try to understand don't. Work colleagues think you're stupid or lazy and wonder why you've not been sacked yet. You wonder why you've not sacked yet! You feel hopeless, useless, worthless and can see no way out of the pool of treacle you're treading through.

So, when do you say enough is enough? At what point do you admit defeat? If someone else was asking me those questions, the answer would always be never; keep fighting the fight, keep your head to the sky. But I don't feel strong enough today. Today, I just want it to be tomorrow.

I needed to get that out so thank you for indulging my ramblings. Stay strong x
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Re: How do you know?

Postby DRM » Tue Jul 30, 2013 8:09 pm

It made me so sad reading this. I feel the same today. Just know that although you feel life as you know it is over, I am sure you are loved and valued by your family and friends. Best wishes and hope tomorrow is a better day for you x
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Re: How do you know?

Postby FluppyPuffy » Tue Jul 30, 2013 8:37 pm

Susan, you're not alone with this, most of us have had a time like you're going thru at the moment, sometimes several of them :( :( :( And even tho things may seem to be at the bleakest, whether it is to do with the type of people we are or something else, we eventually manage to find a tiny glimmer that gives us enough of a spark to get thru to the next day/hour/minute.

In a peculiar sort of way, a day like you're having today can be somewhat cathartic :shock: :shock: :shock: I find that when I reach a similar sort of point, it seems to trigger something in me that acts like an overflow release type of response, and getting those hot, fat tears of pain and sorry and loss helps clear things just enough for me to start finding that glimmer.

Whilst there aspects of ourselves and our lives that we have lost, that essence that makes us who we are is still within us. It may be buried under a pile of debris caused by fallout from FM, but it is still there, and as you find more glimmers and the brightness starts getting stronger, it does become possible to refind that essence.

Once you can get a bit of a hold on your essence again, you will start to find ways to redefine yourself rather than being defined by your illnesses. It can be a long and bumpy journey there, as hitting turbulence is inevitable, but you can get there.

Even when we feel that we have reached the point where we have accepted and come to terms with how life now is, there will be something along the way that trips us up and tries to test our resolve, it is these moments that make the journey bumpy for us, esp as we don't always see them until they happen. The resolve we have tho seems to be protected by shields, forcefields and an army of Arnies :shooting: :shooting: :shooting: :shooting: :shooting: :shooting: which means, even when things seem to be at their deepest, darkest and bleakest, there is something still there, fighting to clear things so you can start to see the way out.

When it comes to those who don't and won't try to understand us, and those who think we are stupid and lazy, I now work on the premise that it says far more about them than it does me. If someone isn't prepared to accept me as I now am, then they are not worthy of my limited resources being used on them when there are others who are. As for trying to articulate how I feel, rather than fighting against what my brain can't/won't allow, I try to go with what it will allow instead. Add that to the first bit of my essence that I rediscovered, my nortyness, and it can be rather :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: seeing how someone reacts when I throw in the most random thing I can come up with :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

Give yourself some time to rediscover some of your essence Susan, and hopefully you'll find that things will start to become a little less ominous with each step you find yourself taking away from it. And along the way, if you find it is trying to catch up with you again, you know you can always take the next turning that comes up on to here where, at the very least, there are always :teddy-bear: :teddy-bear: :teddy-bear: :teddy-bear: :teddy-bear: :teddy-bear: :teddy-bear: :teddy-bear: :teddy-bear: :teddy-bear: :teddy-bear: :teddy-bear: :teddy-bear: :teddy-bear: :teddy-bear: :teddy-bear: :teddy-bear: :teddy-bear: :teddy-bear: :teddy-bear: :teddy-bear: :teddy-bear: :teddy-bear: :teddy-bear: :teddy-bear: :teddy-bear: :teddy-bear: :teddy-bear: :teddy-bear: :teddy-bear: :teddy-bear: :teddy-bear: :teddy-bear: :teddy-bear: :teddy-bear: to hug :blowkiss: :blowkiss: :blowkiss:
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Re: How do you know?

Postby carrieokay » Tue Jul 30, 2013 9:44 pm

Great reply from Fluppy!
I've tried to find the positives and looked at it as an opportunity to redesign my life, albeit in a smaller way. After all, the things that matter aren't things ...
I gave up trying to work, downsized to a ground floor flat and found things to do that didn't cost anything without going out, lol.
I foster dogs that are sicker or slower than me for a rescue :dogrun1:
and find new ways of causing mischief on the internet. :twisted:
There are still bad days as the fibro worsens - I got really upset when a bath lift was installed for instance, for some reason that really hurt :cry:
Finding an antidepressant that works well is good too, as I realised when I ran out for a few days.
Hang in there, try anything that might help and put yourself first. Take care, gentle hugs xxx
Carrie

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.
Unless there are three other people.
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Re: How do you know?

Postby E-Bunny » Wed Jul 31, 2013 10:33 am

Hi,

This is exactly how I felt yesterday !! Especially about the work issues =( My fibro fog is getting the better of me, and this is making me both angry, frustrated and wanting to just bury my head and cry..

But today I found a purpose !! Whilst my dog was walking me we came across a hedgehog.. It was in the middle of a play area, exposed which is far from normal for these little spikey guys.. Once the dog had walked me back home, I returned an hour later to find the little guy still had not moved !!

now I know that this park would soon become very busy with dogs, most of which are not leashed and mainly *chavs* with staff's etc.. So put the little guy in a box and took him home :-)

I am not sure if the little hog had been attacked by something which is why it lay curled up in a ball in a very exposed area, or had been injured in any other way, so made him a home in the box which had my hoover in ( so its quite large ) and put some water and dog food in there !

I am now going to put my full effort into getting this little hog back to good health so that it can be re-released XD

It has given me a purpose, and a goal to reach !!

Find your self something to focus on, set yourself a goal to reach, something you enjoy !!

I have hit rock bottom so many times, and was nearly there yesterday !! I want to save this little hog and it has saved me !!

Tina x
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Re: How do you know?

Postby FluppyPuffy » Wed Jul 31, 2013 10:45 am

Tina, what a lovely thing to do for Mr/Mrs Tiggywinkle :blowkiss: :blowkiss: :blowkiss: Hopefully the little hog will just have been scared rather than injured, and with some TLC from you will soon be back with the other hodgehegs.

If you have any concerns/questions about caring for your little rescue, these people should be able to give you some advice http://www.sttiggywinkles.org.uk/index.html
As a Public Moderator of this forum my opinions/views expressed are personal and are no more valid than those of other members and not necessarily those of UKFibromyalgia.

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Re: How do you know?

Postby E-Bunny » Wed Jul 31, 2013 1:28 pm

Thanks for the linky... Will have a good read =)

I love caring for animals, and hoping as you said, it may have just had a scare !! It is a huge hog, and after speaking to a rescue centre that is unfortunately closing so cant accept any more hedgehogs, they believe it may be a soon to be mum lol...

If that is the case then releasing it may not be possible till mum and mini hogs are of reasonable health to be released.. If we do have baby hogs I ill be ecstatic.. I will be an aunty XD lol

Tina x
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Re: How do you know?

Postby SusanS » Thu Aug 01, 2013 4:19 pm

Thank you for the distraction (the hedgehog), who I sincerely hope is doing ok. My distraction was my teenage daughter. Rather than being her usual, teenage, grumpy self she noticed something wasn't right. She spent the day with me, we talked, laughed & cried. Did that make it all ok? No it didn't. But it helped to clear my head a little. Gain some perspective. Laugh. She even reminded me of what I already knew; that there are people out there in much worse situations than me. At least, if nothing else, I have a loving & supportive family.

So today, I am feeling stronger. My mind is clearer and I am able to make some decisions about how best to move forward. I'm not at all full of fight and ready to take on the world. I'm still that battered, broken shell of a woman who can no longer run, dance or be defined by anything other than a disease. But today, I am not a defeatest. Today, I am willing to fight for my tomorrow.

This forum is awesome. Thank you all for your continued love, support @ soft hugs xx
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Re: How do you know?

Postby painprincess1 » Mon Aug 05, 2013 6:24 pm

i cant tape as well as alot on here but when im at the bottom of the pit looking up i try to remember the poor ppl who have been born with something or other that robbed them of any life from day one.weather that's a wheelchair or no arms or legs or some such thing . and tell myself at lest i did have a life once . and that i still do its just not the same life .in many ways what we have is like getting very old fast ache and pain your granny has so dont feel bad about the way you feel get it out and remember what u do have . i no its not easy i live with it with 4 kids one who is 14 months if it wasnt for her id be in bed everyday.also my dad suffers from deep depression which has lead him to take over dosses so i do no its not as easy as it sounds. just no u will get better days and u will always have us on here everydayxxxx
smiles and the world smiles with you. cry and you cry alone.
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