Being left behind

All your fibromyalgia experiences, questions and answers.

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Being left behind

Postby PolkaBunny » Wed Jan 22, 2014 12:41 am

Hi guys, sorry I havent posted in a long time.
I have been struggling quite a bit recently, I feel very low at the moment.
I had my appeal for my ESA in December, and I actually won it. I also now get PIP payments. At first, I was overjoyed. The fighting was over, and I felt relieved. But then, I felt lost. This is it, I fought and fought and now its been won, I feel....empty. This is my life, and I hate it.

I have always been very upbeat despite my fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue. But recently I have felt consistantly low, and I can now admit I am depressed. My dog passed in 2010, and I became unwell in 2011. I miss having a dog so much, having that unconditional loyalty and companionship, which lets face it is lovely when youre at home all day alone.

At the moment i live with my mum and brother in a rented house, (my parents split in 2012). I feel like, I studied so hard at Uni, to graduate and then have it all taken away from me. I lived away from home when I was at uni, and I feel like its all just been taken away from me. And while I could cope with it at first, the more time goes on, the more I miss out on and I just feel so miserable.

I guess I just wanted someone to talk to more than anything.
Last edited by PolkaBunny on Wed Feb 05, 2014 7:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Being left behind

Postby zappa20 » Wed Jan 22, 2014 2:25 am

Would your Mum and brother support you in looking after another dog. Perhaps an older rescue dog who needs loads of love and company but not miles of exercise. Some dogs prefer human company to running with other dogs in a park, although they'd still need to get out to encounter new smells and sniffables etc.

Might be just the boost you need just now. I've had dogs in my life for 40 years and couldn't survive without one. Both my current dogs are quite old now, and fortunately our garden's the size of a field. Even so my OH is still left to walk them daily, as I can't.

I know when the time comes to lose them it will be more than heartbreaasking. I'm no longer fit enough to start off with a bouncy pup, and as I know I can't be without a furry companion that's what I was thinking of doing.
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Re: Being left behind

Postby relf1960 » Wed Jan 22, 2014 9:50 am

Hiya. I got a dog before i was diagnosed with fibromyalgia because i didnt know what was up with me and thought it might make me go out more, cus i was blaming myself for being lazy. I rehomed him, and dont get to walk him like i should but hes still happy. Sometimes i wish i didnt have him though. Its his barking that gets me down. He hates ppl walking past the house and leaflet deliverers etc. cus of fibro i have noise sensitivies, so i hate the barking. Also because of my nerves, he makes me jump out my skin. The hairs he sheds drive me barmy too. However, i live alone and couldnt imagine him not being here. Ive had him 3 years nearly. When i do feel ok i love our walks and he clearly loves me to bits.

So what im saying is, before u decide to get one, make sure u can cope, and get the right one, not just the most adorable one. Both my sisters have dogs that jump up visitors cus there pleased to see you. Not only does it hurt my legs but i nearly get knocked over, so look for that too.

I think maybe u want a dog for something to love? Dont give up on finding a partner just cus of fibro. Just make sure they r a patient type though.

As for getting a mortgage. I wouldnt envy her at all. Ive been there n done that and the pressure you put on yourself to make those payments its awful. Especially when they put the interest up. Council is better for me now. Less pressure n u can almost do what u want to it too.

I dont know how poorly u r with fibro, but if you can try n find various groups to join, n just go to them when your well, u wont feel left behind. Its finding some contentment that will do u the world of good. Xx
Last edited by FluppyPuffy on Wed Jan 22, 2014 10:03 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Made paragraphs a little clearer for easier reading.
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Re: Being left behind

Postby FluppyPuffy » Wed Jan 22, 2014 10:55 am

I think feeling that you're being left behind when you see those around you doing the types of things you had hoped to be involved with is a part of pretty much all our FibroJourneys/Quest.

When I was first retired, hearing that someone I knew had been promoted, or landed their dream job, would add a bit extra to the things that were already weighing and pulling me down, to the point where I was wishing I could swap my life for theirs as they seemed so fulfilled and happy.

However, when I'd ask them how things were going, it became rather apparent, rather quickly that the grass wasn't really any greener on their side of things. There were worries relating to job security, whether they would be earning enough each month to cover outgoings, additional pressures on their relationships etc etc. And whilst I was wishing I could have a life like theirs, they were also wishing they could have aspects of my life to help them with theirs. Not things like being ill and being at home, but ways in which I was finding to manage what came at me at any time, because whereas all I could see was how much I had changed, with them effectively being on the outside and looking in on things, they could see things from a wider view point, and little things that I had thought quite insignificant, were to them were an eye opener in some cases.

It was from conversations like this, as well as things I had learnt from various sessions I've attended that I've been able to put techniques/strategies in place and slowly turn my way of approaching life towards a bit more of a :bear-dancing: :bear-dancing: :bear-dancing: direction.

If you can take a step or 2 back, and take a look into your life, as well as talk to those around you, there's a chance you'll be surprised (in a nice way) at the sorts of things they have to say. Life doesn't just come down to mortgages, jobs, and things that you own. It what's you do and how you are with others that also plays a significant part in things.

I understand how much you miss your special furryend, when that bond forms, it's almost as if you're velcro~ed together, and this lasts right the way up to that last moment when it's time for our furbabies to cross over to The Bridge :cry: :cry: :cry: Before being owned by another furryend tho, you would need to look very seriously at what you could manage doing wrt to their exercise and care needs, and the areas where you would need help from others. This would need to include living arrangements as, based on what I know from renting previous properties, some owners/landlords won't allow anything waggly and woofy, or even generally furry to be kept.

There are others ways you can still have involvement with a furryend. You could see if there are any rescues in your area, as these wonderful peoples are quite often on the lookout for additional volunteers, even if it's just for a couple of hours a week. That way, you can enjoy some of the benefits from being around something furry, as well as not having to deal with an awful lot of the less fun side of things.

With sharing this with us, and being able to acknowledge/admit that depression is starting to creep in, you've taken a mahoosive step forward :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: :clap: And this is the point where you can start to build on, and move a little further forward. There is help available to help you find the right bits for your toolkit so you can keep doing this, your GP should be able to tell you what is available in your area that might be of help to you, so please consider going to see them about this :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:
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Re: Being left behind

Postby LouLou » Wed Jan 22, 2014 12:36 pm

Hi Polkabunny

I think anyone and everyone goes through feeling slightly envious of other peoples lives regardless of whether they have FM or not.

Growing up I put alot of effort into my studies at school and college and I finally managed to get a job in Business Admin and Finance. I learnt a lot, put myself through courses and training etc and my boss was talking about getting me into some more qualifications. Then FM struck and I had to take a few steps back. I loved studying, learning new things and setting myself new challenges. But I just couldn't cope anymore and had to put my efforts into making it through the day (on less hours than before and doing a lesser workload)

That was 2 years ago and only now am I able to pick up a few extra bits of work. My younger sister is currently studying at Uni for her Masters in childcare and while I am the proudest big sister ever I do still feel those twinges of jealousy because she is doing something I would have loved to do.

But like Fluppy said
FluppyPuffy wrote:it became rather apparent, rather quickly that the grass wasn't really any greener on their side of things

It did become very clear how stressful things are for my sister while she is studying. She is always on the go working full time then attending uni, going home and being a wife and home maker and then doing pages and pages of coursework. There is no way I could manage that without making myself worse.

I know how hard it is to see those around you avdancing and doing things in life but you have to try and remember what you have going for you. You can set yourself small challenges and be proud of those achievements. Your life is what you make of it. Just take your time and do what is right for you.
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Re: Being left behind

Postby PolkaBunny » Wed Jan 22, 2014 8:24 pm

Hi guys,thank you for the replies.

I think, its not so much I want a dog because I feel depressed - I am a dog person, and I always have been. My dog was like my right arm and when she left us I felt like my world had been shattered. In my head, I thought right...finish uni, get a good job, and then adopt a dog that fit my circumstances. Then this happened, and that slipped further away.

I can accept most of the things that having FM/chronic fatigue takes away from you daily.I can work around that. What I am struggling to accept is that It's stopping me having this. My mum is concerned that I couldnt cope, and that she would be left to look after him/her. I feel like, by having a dog my overall happiness would increase so much that it would be beneficial for me.

I wouldnt say that having FM has made me disheartened about having a partner - I've always been the kind of person who enjoys being alone and Ive always believed that you have to be happy in yourself before someone else can make you happy. And, despite all this I am happy with the person that I am - I might not be happy with my current lifestyle but thats different. With or without this condition, I wouldnt go looking for a partner, Im more than okay with letting these things progress in their own time. I'm quite introverted and while Im also confident, I like to spend time alone too. (In a healthy way!) All I mean is, its not a substitute for me, its not get a dog because nobody will want me situation.

Its...I miss a dog in my life and the more that time goes on I miss it even more and feel like its slipping away from me. And I just feel like, everything is moving so fast for other people and for me its stagnant. And, Its pretty disheartening!

Thank you all for the nice replies :) x
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Re: Being left behind

Postby *Lisa* » Thu Jan 23, 2014 2:55 pm

I have found it hard watching others enjoy there lives and progress and buy lots of lovely things and go on many holidays abroad etc...

Just recently in my family both step sisters have been away, one to New York and another to Australia.

My mum is off to America in March and here i sit! :roll:

Very hard not to feel down. Its not that im jealous its wanting to be out there doing those things myself! its the frustration of the limitations and finances etc...

Just would be nice if i had something to look forward to instead of just listening to others.

I tho on a positive note after a long fight with my HA got a little doggy :dogrun1: i was very depressed and missing my dogs when i left the family home and so rehomed a dog and must say that my depression have lifted alot since. Maybe looking into getting a dog may help?
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Re: Being left behind

Postby bandj » Thu Jan 23, 2014 8:05 pm

Hello there,
I lost my precious furry little girl in August 2011 and I still miss her terribly even though Lukey adopted us as his humans. Roxy and I had an incredibly close bond and we had a wonderful 7 years together.
Have you considered getting in touch with the cinnamon trust? They look for people to foster dogs when their elderly owners go into hospital. Or maybe you could volunteer for a local rescue centre. I don't mean anything to onerous but maybe helping in the office? Or do you have a friend with a dog who would welcome hugs? I kn7 it wouldn't be the same but it may help give you a boost.
fibro can drag you down. It drags me down until I could sit and cry. That isn't an option for me as I am my hubby's carer and I have to put a smile on for him. But this site is brilliant for support and friendship.
Look after yourself. Sending you gentle hugs :grouphug: :grouphug:
There are these three things that remain: faith, hope and love. And the greatest of these is LOVE.
1 Corinthians 13:13
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Re: Being left behind

Postby denys » Fri Jan 24, 2014 12:34 am

It is very difficult when friends and family move on with their lives, it isnt jealousy its a longing to do the same as Lisa has said. But once you accept things are different now its possible to start to find things that you can do that give you a sense of achievement and pleasure.

It took me a very long time to come to terms with the fact I could no longer do a job I loved and had studied hard for. All my time studying, taking exams, working hard to gain promotions etc. had all gone down the tubes. But eventually I accepted my life wasnt over, I was just going down a different path and it made a big difference to the way I view things now.

Taking on an animal is a big commitment when you arent well so if I were you I would think very hard about whether its what you really want, but if you decide to go ahead I hope you find your perfect companion :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

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Re: Being left behind

Postby fallingtobits » Fri Jan 24, 2014 9:20 pm

Getting another dog was the best thing I ever did. It means I get out every day , sometimes not far, but I always see other people with dogs who stop and chat. I wouldn't have that otherwise. It makes me feel 'better'.

I got him a harness so he doesn't pull and hurt my shoulders, and I padded the handle on the leash so it's comfortable on my hand. We walk in a park with flat smooth paths so it doesn't hurt my feet, and I can sit if I need to.

He knows when I'm not well, and gives me loves and cuddles. He listens to my moaning and never complains! I know why they call dogs 'mans best friend....'

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