My Story A few years on

All your fibromyalgia experiences, questions and answers.

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My Story A few years on

Postby muscles68 » Wed Jan 22, 2014 7:51 pm

Ok guys I have been a member of this forum for a few years now, but have not been on in a while as i loose self a steam and feel i do not belong anywhere. Witch is daft as i find reading all the posts comforting, so im gona make a real effort to take part more, i need to lol.
I have made an intro years ago but i just wanted to recap for you all, so here goes.

Where to start always a hard one i guess, as a kid i was fairly happy just sad inside and allways lacked energy.

I hated PE at school etc. Always found it hard work.

As a teen on and off id get bouts of depression, even atempted suiside a couple of times and ended up in the phsyc ward at hostpital. So ive always suffered depression.

As my early adult years came by i had a couple of breakdowns stress of life and all, but always bounced back as best i could pretending i was ok, trying to smile outside but being really sad on the out.I got into drugs, smoking canibis and doing speed mostly, thinking it would help me cope, it never did it just created a false reality. I always worked and paid my way and ploded on, felt like i just excisted i wasnt alive.

When i was around about 30 ish i started to feel unwell, even more tired than usual, constant sore throats run down that kind of thing, felt like i could fall down and sleep on the spot.

After going back and forth to docs they said i had ME. i can tell you i laughed at the time, only women get that, So i couldnt accept this and wouldnt, Did i mention im stuborn.

Determined to rid myself, the oposite happened, i threw my self in to working out bodybuilding, got off the drugs etc. it all started after getting really ill being in hostpital for a while, i done some physiotherapy as my legs had become a tad week, ME my a?$e i wasnt gona have that, im a red blooded man.

So my bodybuilding began, I threw myself into it as much as i could do, with a combination of docs drugs and heavy pain killers i was determined. It wasnt easy but i did make myself stronger especially the legs and i got quite a good body on me to. even foolishly entered a competition just to show off and say :swear1: you docs and your ME.

Trouble was deep down i was killing my self, the pain and cramps id have, plus the physical deppression that came after every workout. The wife was very supportive and understanding, even though i was becoming a misrable moody :swear1: :swear1: at times to both her and the kids, let alone the rest of my family.

A few years past and i seemed to get weaker, more depression along with being paranoid, that was caused by docs giving me pills that sent me round the bend and collapsing at work.

So around abou 38/39 ish i was at work when id started to get very weak legs again, cramping as i walked and id fall down a lot. dizziness and feet and hands swelling also really painfull joints, felt like they were gona burst.

And the biggest back pain that went down into my buttocks. I ignored it for a while thinking na im just run down, every other week id get a cold or flu like symptoms. Then i noticed after id finished work id have to sit in the car for about 10 to 15 mins before driving as i was feeling so dizzy and tired, The wife noticed this and so did some friends and family, id become withdrawn pale and just not myself. So off i went to the docs, he wasnt happy and wanted me to go see a specialist, He gave me some pills to eaze the pain, which helped a little but not much at all.

One day i woke up after a really bad nights sleep, rushed out the door and collapsed on the drive way, last thing i know is a doc there saying id overdone things lol. the wife explained what had been going on. and after this doc poke to my doc. he gave me a shot of morphine and signed me off work for 2 weeks. In the mean time i went down hill my walking became so bad i hardly got up, i felt like i had flu on top of colds on top of pain, it was s***.

The 2 weeks went by and id goten worse having to hold on to things so i didnt fall over etc.so i returned to the docs

He then chased up the appointment for the specialist.

By the time i went to see him, i wasnt great at all. i was there for over an hour having difrent tests and what not, proded and pulled about, that hurt. Then he said i see years ago they said you had ME, i laughed at him and yes if its real. He looked at me and said well this is real, He said you have fibromyalgia, never herd of it i said. apparently its quite wide spred, he then went on to say thats why the legs are weak, and thats why im run down all the time and in lots of pain.

He also wanted me to have an MRI of my spine, just to see whats going on.

After my MRI they said i had a bulging disk and arthritis in my spine, on top of Fibro. lol no wonder im not well.

I then had the painfull realisation id never work properly again if at all. so after a few more medicals and being pulled here and there i was made officialy disabled and deemed unfit for work, that hit me like a ton of bricks, then really bad depression set in, on top of that id get panick attacks and still do to this day, i became very agresive and withdrawn, feeling usless and sorry for my self early 40s and this was it. Only people in my position know how this feels.

Anyway as part of having to change my life we gave up our house and moved to bungalow as stairs became to hard in a lovely quiet village.

As i was always good with computers as that was my business before being ill, I desided to spend my time doing websites and helping people with graphics etc where i can. Thats why i create sites.

Its took me a long time to accept that im ill, stupidly i even tried at times to lift light wieghts just to feel like a man again, this failed big time leading to more depression as i realised it just couldnt be done. i even learnt to share my mental side of the illness with people its not easy but im trying.

So here i am at 45. suffering from Fibromyalgia, arthritis, mental health problems and so i just found out i have fatty liver disease. But this is me now im ill and i cant help that. So im learning each day to cope its not easy on my friends or family, im a misrable git at times, but ill adapt and hopfully help people in my situation at the same time.

This is my story so far, who knows what tommorow will bring but ill keep you all posted.
Last edited by muscles68 on Fri Jan 24, 2014 8:19 am, edited 2 times in total.
I may stumble i may fall, but knowing help is out there, i may live yet again
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Re: My Story A few years on

Postby Zeberdi » Wed Jan 22, 2014 10:35 pm

First, thank you for this site. Support and being understood is of huge benifit to people.

I think many of us can relate to a LOT of what you have described. Like you when I lost my job I lost my identity. I had grown up thinking that a woman has to be able to support her self because things can go wrong. After seeing abusive relationships close to and the constant risk of my Dads health killing him it was so important that I had the ability to look after me and my child. To loose that ability, to not be able to pay my fair share of the bills for the house and our life, after my mother telling me they would have to sell their house and move to a much smaller one if i couldn't give them the money for looking after my daughter. So much depended on my job. On top of that not being able to pull me weight on the home front and becoming a burden only helped to lower my self esteem.

I too have sat there considering the final solution. To stop being a burden and expense. You know how it feels. I was lonely too as my husband (like I once had) had hobbies and I spent a lot of time alone. It is very isolating and so many 'friends' remove themselves from your life. I sat in bed with a bottle of scotch and a huge quantity of Solphodol and tramadol. At that point my 4 year old woke up and cried for Mommy. Only one person was Mommy. No one else could do that job. How much did I treasure the fact my Dad had fought and was still fighting to be with us? The impact of removing my self from the lives of those who loved me suddenly faced me. The realisation came to me that I would endure any pain, any suffering, any humiliation for the ones I love not to be hurt. Conclusion that I have to deal with this and be here for those that need me. That in the love and meaning to other people is my purpose in life.

& years ago my husband was diagnosed with cancer. He fought like a hero. He was incredible but he lost the battle at the age of 43. If I had taken the final solution my husband would have been alone in his fight. There would have been no one to hold him and love him. My 15 year old daughter would have been a orphan. The incredible suffering that final solution would have caused is unthinkable.

Once again the fact that me being here for others has stopped me from joining my husband. Soul mates, two halves of one being. So close and to loose that, my future, to be unable to share the past with the one I lived it with. The impact is unimaginable.

All the stress and pushing myself to do what needed to be done took it's toll. My health has become much worse and the struggle much bigger.

Thing is there are good days. There are things to be proud of like my daughter 21st - bitter sweet but I got to see the beautiful person she has become. I have helped her get her own flat, furnish it, pass her test, buy a car, get her own dog and be there for her. I achieve in a different way. I have had to have different values.

If anyone else out there ever feels they are on that edge then think of the alternative, irriplaceable values that you have - even just to your pets. Reach out to the Samaritans or your Doctor. Ask for help. There are things that will come into your life of such beauty and value that you would have missed. You will have spared so many the pain. Endure and survive because..........

Sorry I waffle, I just hope that someone else can take away the understandiing of that intrinsic value we have and never even consider, that they will realise that they would suffer anything for someone else then enduring this is that challenge in a very real way.
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Re: My Story A few years on

Postby FluppyPuffy » Fri Jan 24, 2014 12:43 am

I've done a little bit of twiddling with your post to make it a little easier to read for those of us who find reading longer posts difficult. As I was reading thru, this jumped out at me.
muscles68 wrote:As i was always good with computers as that was my business before being ill, I desided to spend my time doing websites and helping people with graphics etc where i can. Thats why i created this site, one i love doing it and two its much needed to have a place where people no matter what there illness or disabilty can meet and let of steam etc.

Are you referring to the UKFM site and forum as the one you have created, as reading thru things, this is what it seems to suggest :-? :-? :-? :-? :-?
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Re: My Story A few years on

Postby muscles68 » Fri Jan 24, 2014 8:17 am

FluppyPuffy wrote:I've done a little bit of twiddling with your post to make it a little easier to read for those of us who find reading longer posts difficult. As I was reading thru, this jumped out at me.
muscles68 wrote:As i was always good with computers as that was my business before being ill, I desided to spend my time doing websites and helping people with graphics etc where i can. Thats why i created this site, one i love doing it and two its much needed to have a place where people no matter what there illness or disabilty can meet and let of steam etc.

Are you referring to the UKFM site and forum as the one you have created, as reading thru things, this is what it seems to suggest :-? :-? :-? :-? :-?

No sorry i copied my story from my own personal site and didnt think about that part being there, brain fog lol. i will edit that. please forgive me, this site is just the standard phpbb site nothing to do with me.
I may stumble i may fall, but knowing help is out there, i may live yet again
muscles68
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Location: near ipswich uk

Re: My Story A few years on

Postby TATT » Fri Jan 24, 2014 10:29 am

Both your posts Muscles68 and Zeberdi have really touched me. Your honesty and strength is commendable. :blowkiss:
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Re: My Story A few years on

Postby silvermaneuk » Fri Jan 24, 2014 6:25 pm

I think many of us go through a grieving process, I think that is normal tbh. Its a hard part of chronic illness, and I totally understand the depression side of it. I read a few interesting articles on chronic illness associated depression, and everyone I have spoken to, has seemed to have a period of this. I think if you go from a really active lifestyle to one like we have, it would seem logical for us to mourn that life. Were only human init.

I myself have been through the process. Its taken time for me to find a new life within my limitations and even today, right now I do way to much, and my latest bad flare really knocked me on my arse and made me realise not to be complacent about my illness, otherwise it will remind me.

I hate it, would love to be normal, but how do we define 'normal' i don't think even 'normal' people are ever truly normal.

So I need to stop being stubborn and use the tools that help me, be more independent, and there is no shame in that, and no shame in anyone doing that. Were not weaker for doing so. Independence makes us stronger!

I lost multiple jobs, and friends, but I am still here and so are you. I think thats speaks volumes about our characters. I think, we rock.

Its taken me a while to get there, and here, but we can all do it, although I totally get how hard it is to stay positive with an illness that has no cure, but I just embraced all that is good around me and try not to focus on all the negative s*** this illness throws at us.

Thanks for sharing your story x
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Re: My Story A few years on

Postby muscles68 » Fri Jan 24, 2014 6:36 pm

What fantastic replies and silvermaneuk your words are so true, we did not ask for this and it is hard to cope,
Im getting there but like you said we moarn are old life, i miss being able to run with my kids etc the most.
I may stumble i may fall, but knowing help is out there, i may live yet again
muscles68
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Posts: 28
Joined: Tue Dec 08, 2009 1:12 pm
Location: near ipswich uk


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