Guilt

All your fibromyalgia experiences, questions and answers.

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Guilt

Postby rich44 » Sun Aug 24, 2014 12:20 pm

Do others feel guilty about being ill?

I feel terrible I've had so much time off work in the last 12 months, most of Oct to Feb then a week here and there. I feel bad about that and now I'm worrying am I really ill enough to be claiming anything?

I'm at the point of thinking can I do this anymore? I'm in constant uncontrolled pain, constant fatigue even if I sleep well. I'm now suffering abdominal pain which at its best is uncomfortable and worst is agony it's never gone Dr's have no idea what's causing it despite Ct, mri and gastroscopy.

I kept waking up last night worried about money, am I sick enough to claim ESA? I walked round pensthorpe yesterday and even with a stick it's slow and very painful and have to sit down often, I'm thinking about going halves on a mobility scooter with the mother in law.

I know how much pain I'm in, even sitting hurts but I just don't feel "right" claiming, if anyone understands?
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Re: Guilt

Postby shortnsweet54 » Sun Aug 24, 2014 12:54 pm

Hi rich44,

No, i don't feel guilty at all why should I ?. I didn't ask for fibro, arthritis, eye disease and random other hangers on. It takers a long long time to get your head round all the things going on and how life changes for us and the wretched adjustments we have to try to make.

You might possibly consider claiming ESA if you are so poorly, and you do sound as if you need to of course you won;t have a wage coming in but it will take the pressure and stress of worrying about trying to cope with work. there comes a time when we have to consider our health above everything. i value my health and will do what i can to maintain it .. and my sanity.
Constant pain does grind us down, keep on at your gp for help, you kow your body and your life, have you seen a rheumatologist etc for a proper diagnosis ?

I've paid into the system for over 35 years via tax/nhi so in my mind am only getting back what i've paid in for. All the devisive media hype about people that are sick and disabled.... sorry it won't wash with me, they neglect to mention people have paid their nhi for such times as they are ill etc.

Don't beat yourself up about it, it's not your fault .. maybe claim for ESA and go from there, you have nothing to lose and possibly all to gain.

Good luck and all the best
Jan x
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Re: Guilt

Postby Lindilou » Sun Aug 24, 2014 1:01 pm

If you are genuinly ill why should you feel guilty. Therefore why are you not claiming ESA. We all have the body we are born with and nothing can change that.
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Re: Guilt

Postby daisyp59 » Sun Aug 24, 2014 1:04 pm

I have gone through the same feelings as you just recently, and this week have decided it is time to admit defeat, give up work and have a much happier time not working rather than working and spending my spare time sleeping. I am applying fo rESA and yes, it is less than my wage, but we will manage and I will have a bit of life which is well worth it. If you feel you cannot work, check online for benefits rates and make an informed decision, as well as getting your GP's support. Good luck xx
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Re: Guilt

Postby padders » Sun Aug 24, 2014 1:22 pm

Hi

No I have never felt guilty about being so ill.

Your stressing so much and that will make your pain so much worse, and may be the cause of your tummy problems.

You can only claim ESA if you are not working, but I think you said you were. If you are to ill to work you need to give it up as your health is far more important than working. Then you can claim ESA.

You can also try claiming PIP (used to be DLA) as that is not income related and if you got higher mobility on it you can exchange some if it for a car or mobility scooter.

Unfortunately the government have made it so hard for us to claim and receive benefits and we have to jump through hoops now. This is also a stressful experience and we have to go for assessments to prove we are so ill and cannot physically work and most of the time the assessor is useless and lie, which then means we have to appeal, but worth the fight.

Never feel you shouldn't claim benefits there are enough people out there get more on benefits and never done a days work and I don't mean through disability I mean lazy!!

Have a real hard think about giving up work and claiming ESA and PIP and put yourself first no matter what.

I wish you well in whatever you decide.

Lisa x
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Re: Guilt

Postby LibbyWick » Sun Aug 24, 2014 2:03 pm

Hiya, you have my sympathy. I know exactly how you feel, I was there too. I felt horribly guilty for so long and kept battling on trying to work full-time and worrying about money and letting everyone down; employers, family, friends. In the end I suffered a complete mental and physical breakdown! Please don't push yourself that far. It takes a long time to come back from the edge. See your GP and say how depressed you are. Hopefully they'll refer you for depression support. You say you have unsupported pain.... have you been diagnosed with FM? You really should be getting pain management. No amount of drugs can completely take away the pain and fatigue but it does help to make life more enjoyable. It may surprise you to know that counselling can help too - relieving the stress helps to ease the pain.

How long have you been with your employers? Do they offer a pension scheme and/or private medical cover? My employers were fairly good once they realised just how ill I was and eventually they offered a disability pension. It isn't much but it helps.

You should certainly apply for DLA/PIP, whichever is available in your region. It isn't a means tested benefit and you can get it even if working full or part-time. ESA is available for those too sick to work and you may then be eligible for Council Tax Benefit too. I'd really suggest getting in touch with your local Citizen's Advice Bureau too. They'll help with forms and point you in the right direction. If you do claim for benefits do it initially by phone, as your benefit will be backdated to the date of the phone call. The person who takes your call will ask a bunch of questions and you may well be put straight on to the assessment period ESA. During the assessment period they'll send you a form to complete. Likewise with DLA/PIP, answer a few questions over the phone and they'll send you the form to complete.

Most important of all is that you are not alone. Accept help and a listening ear .. it all helps. Best of luck. I hope to see a post saying you're feeling better soon. Take care :hugs:
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Re: Guilt

Postby Zia2014 » Sun Aug 24, 2014 2:28 pm

Oh yes, the guilt thing. I had to take a few days off with what I thought was the flu in the early days. Then I took 7 weeks off because I was in so much pain.

When my pills were at 75mg I could manage and felt like I was making a fuss and being a hypochondriac. Even though I'm the sort of person to not take pills if possible, and have in fact moved to another med on 20mg.

It really doesn't help when people look at you like you're making it up, tell you one of the many things on my 'ridiculous' thread, or you have a 'good' day.

But everyone needs to move past that and accept it limits us, and makes us feel like crappola.
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Re: Guilt

Postby gilld » Sun Aug 24, 2014 3:43 pm

I felt terrible guilt about having time off work...that was 9 years ago and I had psoriatic arthritis and severe depression. My specialist said 'it's your job or your health'. There was no choice. Any residual guilt has gone out of the window now. I am still having tests, xrays, bloods, echogram, MRI brain scan, ahve to see a neurologist, but it is because I have a Fibro specialist who is ruling other things out. I have the health service service knocking themselves out to help me, but ATOS say I can use crutches so can work (never been seen by them, paper assessment, 81 points). ESA stopped in March. Tribunal next month. So guilt....definitely not. Please don't let this potted history put you off what you MUST remember you are entitled to....you are still working, paying tax and NI, whilst your body is screaming at you to stop. You must listen to it as only you can ever know truly know it. Guilt comes from feeling selfish, but when you are so ill you have to be selfish and that is the hard part. Can I suggest you contact Fightback4justice...they are based in Bolton, but an talk you through all the forms, do home visits if possible, and are incredible people. Just google as can't remember website address at the mo. I wish you all the very best x
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Re: Guilt

Postby rich44 » Sun Aug 24, 2014 10:06 pm

Thanks everyone I feel terrible that I can't be the dad I want to be, then not working too, but I've had this on my mind for a few years now because I've been slowly getting worse.

Dr's again Tuesday we'll see what they say this time

And thanks for the suggestions too.
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Re: Guilt

Postby dazzleship » Sun Aug 24, 2014 10:19 pm

yeah, I feel guilty. of course I do. how else would I feel when I've had to ask hubby to help me get undressed and into bed (which is happening far too frequently lately for my liking) and when - like this evening - he's had to open my bottle of juice cos my stupid hands are feeling too weak to unscrew the bottle myself. or when we have to cut short a shopping trip or day out cos I'm too damn exhausted to go any further.

I feel guilty about time off work, too, even though I have really really understanding employers. I think it's natural to feel guilty.
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Re: Guilt

Postby Zia2014 » Wed Aug 27, 2014 6:45 pm

You know what though Rich, you may feel guilty for not being the dad you want to be, but you are their dad and that's all that matters at the end of the day. Memories can be built in all kinds of ways and yes a holiday might be remembered, but so will the night you all watched a film together.
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Re: Guilt

Postby ..:: lisa ::.. » Wed Aug 27, 2014 8:18 pm

I feel guilty a lot!

Guilty that I use "spoons" for one thing and not another, for not being the mum, gf, daughter etc that I used to be!
—(••÷[ I may ramble at times as my train of thought has crashed. Please be patient and bare with me ]÷••)—
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Re: Guilt

Postby rich44 » Thu Aug 28, 2014 8:28 am

Thank you all.

What upset me the most the other day was my youngest who said "poor daddy he does mean to be grumpy he's not very well"

I really hate what the pain does to me without me even realising
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Re: Guilt

Postby aziriphale » Thu Aug 28, 2014 11:13 am

I can understand the guilty feelings, before i was diagnosed I was getting told all the time that i was faking it, just in my head or I was just lazy I had around 10 years of that finally got diagnosed last year and i still feel like i am faking it or just lazy all the time

But do claim, claim esa and whatever else you can you are ill and you need the money coming in
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Re: Guilt

Postby Lizee » Thu Aug 28, 2014 2:37 pm

I am feeling the same way aswell, I was off work for 18 months I've been back for three but my employers couldn't offer me reduced hours, in fact I was told my training would be full time and after this I went straight back on my contracted hours. I was so desperate to go back I just accepted the situation, I don't want to be let go so I find I'm trying to do too much. I also have 2 small boys to look after.

3 weeks ago I became so totally exhausted I couldn't do anything so I've been signed off until a few days after school and nursery starts again. I'm so scared I'll lose my job because I am sure ESA is only paid for a year and my husband and I need 2 incomes.

I'm going to drop my hours again, if I can, but I have to think about what to do, I'm too scared to apply for pip as I've read so much about how awful atos are, another reason I don't want to claim ESA, I went back to work before my assessment last time and it was part of the reason I did.

I wish there was a one stop answer but I think only I can help myself:-(
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