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PostPosted: Fri Jul 24, 2015 1:18 pm
by changeoflife
Underseige, do you mind me asking how old your children are?


PostPosted: Fri Jul 24, 2015 7:08 pm
by UnderSiege
Hi changeoflife.

My... children?

Lol. I don't have children (unless you count the cats) I did at one time want to have kids as playing a large part in bringing up my younger brother was really good for me (he's 12 years younger btw) but kids aren't an option for me, being on benefits and with no hope of a partner (who wants the ill benefits man?) since my ex wife did the dirty on me...

No, I speak of my parents and (very unappreciative and arrogant in his position of perfect health/fitness) brother who I have to live with. Can't get my own place, no money and although offered a flat by council/housing association couldn't take it/wasn't eligible for it due to the mortgage I have (not mine but a favour I did for my mum, she wanted her fathers old house but couldn't get a mortgage herself at the time)

My family are very ignorant of me and my ills and extremely rough about it, rubbishing all treatment and medical advice even though they've seen and cannot deny how ill I've been over the years...
Instead they prefer I follow their advice/rules like:
'If you get up in the morning your life will be so much better' (this while I'm off my head on painkillers, have had very little sleep and am writhing in pain and often followed up with, if I fail to comply, being threatened to stay in my room until the next day with no food/hydration... which makes me a weaker player the next day etc)
Telling me I cannot have an opinion on anything having never had a job... (not true. While my working life has been... patchy and I never achieved that glittering and high paid career they may expect, I have actually worked damn hard when able... for them and the family 'business', property and student lets)
Etc etc.

To be fair, I don't help my case much these days by just not being bothered to do anything even when I can anymore (my mum said something this morning about mind over matter and I told her I've been pushing myself through the pain to my detriment for so long for no gain that their attitude is driving me insane; so it's like my 'mind doesn't matter')
But what can I do? Nothing is an infinite resource and I've been relentlessly used up with not a chance to recharge the batteries for years so no surprise I have no motivation or morale and am a very resentful Bear atm.

I know it sounded like I have a horde of kids trailing after me but my family, though apparently adults, are like kids I guess... The sort that used to get sent to Borstal...

Tbh kids would probably be easier.


PostPosted: Fri Jul 24, 2015 8:10 pm
by changeoflife
It sounds most definately that you have out grown the nest !! Id get your name off the mortgage you have with your parents and get yourself on the list for a place of your own.


PostPosted: Sat Jul 25, 2015 10:10 am
by UnderSiege

The waiting list for housing for me would now be around 8 years (unless I can get the help I had last time which is unlikely)
The keys to the kingdom are kept well out of my reach and I'm also in the unenviable position of knowing that if I did act re the mortgage or anything else I would be putting at risk the lives of our animals (which I cannot countenance) as my mums means/affairs are in a bad state...

Checkmate for me I think.

After the usual night of rubbish sleep, insomnia and staring into space followed by tossing and turning and being alerted more than once by the sounds of my brother returning in the early hours from his usual round of drink, drugs and women I finally bit the bullet and swallowed the painkillers... only to be awakened from an all too short yet blissfully deep sleep to find I no longer had a duvet...
The suddenness of this meant I was in shock, freezing and with an overwhelming urge to puke my guts up. It's been an hour and I'm still shaking/shivering and gagging even with a heater on full blast right next to me (yeah on a day like this, it looks wonderful outside)
This happens far too often for my tastes.

As I lay there with ppl completely oblivious to something obviously being wrong I looked down at myself and felt disgust at my skinny arms looking all twisted next to my (comfort eating padded) belly that needs a bit of working out and thought "god, I must look absolutely gross and unattractive"
So now I'm cancelling my account because even though it's a long stretch that I'd get anywhere there (I did have some interest last week, a ward sister by trade who rejected me as she specifically wants a man who can drive/has a car, I don't atm btw, and said I seemed so nice and genuine... I told her I was just that given that I detailed my ills and current unemployed status as I'm not in the business of taking ppl for a ride!) I have to keep hope alive but really, my gentle, sensitive nature aside, who would want me with my ills and disadvantages, no money, home or prospects and my horrid physique. I've fallen a long way.

Ah well, the way things have progressed so far re my health in just a few months there's always the hope I might get really ill requiring outside intervention and something might be done about things in my favour.


PostPosted: Sat Jul 25, 2015 11:07 am
by Dieselbear
Thanks carolad for your response. I just want to point out that generally I do accept this, I think I was just terribly thrown by yet another symptom, one that I have not experienced before and this led to my desperate rant. Maybe there will be more, maybe this will be all I have to deal with. It was just a shock after having been sometimes coping very well with many other symptoms for about a year, after suffering badly for several, that suddenly I get a new one to deal with. I am sure that you, and anyone who suffers from this, just wants to be normal too some days, even though we all know that is never going to happen. I'm 46 and to say that life changes does not really help me to accept this fact. I think we are all just looking for an outlet and to be helped and occasionally bolstered by others who may understand what we feel, even if we need to rant about the unfairness now and then. I'm pleased that you are dealing with this well, obviously I am struggling at the moment, but I will work very hard to get myself back to a positive mental state.