Any tips on managing friendships around fibro and cfs

All your fibromyalgia experiences, questions and answers.

Moderators: perseus, *Lisa*, FluppyPuffy

Any tips on managing friendships around fibro and cfs

Postby bekindtoyou » Thu Sep 03, 2015 12:54 pm

How many of us fibro fighters have friendships that are hard to manage?
Are there any top tips to being around people that don't get it ?
Do others experience the ' it's just older age' or ' I can see your really well' ie dont tell me if your not.
I'm getting to want to be around people less and less.
But feel it's important to have social time.
Any feedback is greatly appreciated xx :roll:
bekindtoyou
UKFM Member
 
Posts: 36
Joined: Wed Jan 16, 2013 3:28 pm

Re: Any tips on managing friendships around fibro and cfs

Postby thoughtmatters » Thu Sep 03, 2015 1:28 pm

I had to let some people go out of my life - they didn't understand what I was going through and made it all about them.

The friends that I have I spend time with when I am able - and ask them to keep inviting me out, even if I say NO a lot, because one day I'll feel up to whatever they're planning. I also share the spoon analogy with them, so they have a way to understand where I might be.

The key thing for me was in learning to say NO. I really don't have enough energy to do what I want to in my life, so I've stopped saying yes to things I really don't want to do, or spending time with people who don't make me feel better for their company.

Hope that helps!
thoughtmatters
UKFM Member
 
Posts: 11
Joined: Tue May 12, 2015 6:44 pm

Re: Any tips on managing friendships around fibro and cfs

Postby bekindtoyou » Thu Sep 03, 2015 1:49 pm

Thanks that makes sense. I've been well enough to socialise on a 'more normal level' recently and maybe have stepped out of the zone of 'protecting myself' .
And yes as you say being with those people that make us feel better about us is very important.
I had become curious as to why I was feeling less well /unhappy after being with a couple of people and can see now it is because I'm having to pretend everything is just great. As if it's been too long to still be unwell. Think it's the word Chronic that people don't understand sometimes. Thank you for your reply x
bekindtoyou
UKFM Member
 
Posts: 36
Joined: Wed Jan 16, 2013 3:28 pm

Re: Any tips on managing friendships around fibro and cfs

Postby scoke » Thu Sep 03, 2015 4:56 pm

I have hardly any new friends - ie since I was diagnosed, those new ones I do have know I have FM and those friendships are limited - in that they are based around things I can do, like reading, I tell them the things that might happen based around what we would do together and they know I might have to cancel but mostly they are undemanding arrangements.
Older friends - those who knew me well before I had these problems - also get told what I deem appropriate depending how often I see them and what they normally would expect to do with me. I've actually asked some of them not to tell me if I don't look well, sometimes I look worse than I feel or at least feel able to do what was planned. I know them well enough that they know I won't cancel unnecessarily, I'll ask to sit/slow down/give up when I need to and I'm lucky enough to know they understand and won't take umbrage - if they moan about me behind my back, I don't mind - the important thing is that almost all my old friends have stuck with me, still ask me along to things, still keep in touch. I always was the organiser so I think that still sort of stands. You need to ensure that they know you'll do your best and that you appreciate their company and continuing support.
scoke
UKFM Member
 
Posts: 144
Joined: Mon Jun 06, 2011 10:07 pm

Re: Any tips on managing friendships around fibro and cfs

Postby Bebo » Thu Sep 03, 2015 7:13 pm

If your friends dont understand your fibro then let them go....having fibro takes enough out of us without having to worry about friends understanding the problems we face. Most of my friends want me to be how I used to be before my fibro, but that is an impossible request, I have to try and remember that the most important person in my world is me, after years of raising children and looking after ailing parents and trying to please everyone but myself, I am the one who has ended up ill. Yes, I sometimes feel lonely, but by letting some of my friends go I feel almost relieved, quality is better than quantity. Fibro has changed my whole life in every way, work, play, relationships, friends and family. I dont try to prove myself to anyone anymore.....it is at is is......
Bebo
UKFM Newbie
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Mar 08, 2015 10:27 pm

Re: Any tips on managing friendships around fibro and cfs

Postby brawny » Thu Sep 03, 2015 7:57 pm

I'm lucky enough to have the most amazing friends who include me in every thing. If I'm not well enough they understand. They truly are the best friends I could ask for.
brawny
UKFM Member
 
Posts: 13
Joined: Mon Sep 21, 2009 9:42 am

Re: Any tips on managing friendships around fibro and cfs

Postby eeyorejd » Fri Sep 04, 2015 7:18 am

Hi
I've lost friends because of my illnesses (fibromyalgia is one of them) some I don't bother with anymore which is sad but you find out who your true friends are.
Have you seen THE SPOON THEORY?
This is about someone who's got lupus but applies to fibromyalgia as well. When a couple of my friends have asked me about how I cope or why some days are better than others or how some days I do more I've shown them this. It basic but cleverly done it's worth looking at.
I hope it all works out for you.
The Spoon Theory written by Christine Miserandino - But You ...
www.butyoudontlooksick.com › articles
eeyorejd
UKFM Member
 
Posts: 12
Joined: Thu Mar 13, 2014 9:07 am

Re: Any tips on managing friendships around fibro and cfs

Postby bekindtoyou » Fri Sep 04, 2015 10:10 am

Thanks for the replies and all of them have great meaning to me. I have used the spoons on occasions and passed it on to other people who are struggling.
The friends I have who say ' sure your up to this ' or 'we can do something else ' are my besties !
And I love them dearly for it. They knew me before though and knew how driven I was. In fact they often say to me ' you can't do all of those things you'll be too tired ' and I remember the fibro and say ' oh I forgot! Which I do a lot and end up in a heap. I guess people have a hard job being able to work out what we are feeling at any given time.
bekindtoyou
UKFM Member
 
Posts: 36
Joined: Wed Jan 16, 2013 3:28 pm

Re: Any tips on managing friendships around fibro and cfs

Postby SchroedingersCat » Fri Sep 04, 2015 12:16 pm

I've not had a single person take the huff or desert me since I've had FM, but it's hardly surprising since I still have an active social life and don't often drop out of things at the last minute. I don't find people 'don't understand' because I don't ask them to, I just ask them to accept that sometimes I don't have the energy to do stuff, and they're good with that.
SchroedingersCat
UKFM Member
 
Posts: 435
Joined: Mon Mar 19, 2012 8:11 pm

Re: Any tips on managing friendships around fibro and cfs

Postby fibro-lu » Fri Sep 04, 2015 3:58 pm

hi and welcome BeKindToYourself

like your attitude Schroedie
all the best :cow-wave: Lu
Mind over Matter: in mind I'm Wonderwoman - in matter, well, - don't mind, doesn't matter
User avatar
fibro-lu
UKFM Regular
 
Posts: 1279
Joined: Wed Dec 15, 2010 12:07 pm

Re: Any tips on managing friendships around fibro and cfs

Postby bekindtoyou » Sat Sep 05, 2015 8:01 am

Thank you fibro-lu for your welcomes :-D
bekindtoyou
UKFM Member
 
Posts: 36
Joined: Wed Jan 16, 2013 3:28 pm


Return to Living with Fibromyalgia

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 14 guests