Help me my son just died

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Help me my son just died

Postby tintagel » Tue Mar 22, 2016 7:35 pm

How do I go on. My beautiful, handsome, successful; 28 year old son died on his motor bike at 10.38pm on Sunday 20.3.16. First day of spring.

I'm bereft, desolate and can't go on. His helmet came off and the Police told us not to go and see him, he has no face left. I can't even go and kiss him goodbye. He is an experienced and advance trained motorcyclist, my husband tests motorcycle instructors for the DSA, my son knows what he's doing. He was minutes from home on a road he knew so well. Nothing else involved.

His new wife wont let me have any say or anything to do with funeral arrangements. Her and her Mum are being horrid.
My fibro has recently settled in my ears and throat, its so painful. Now this. It's one straw too many for this camels back. I can't go on. Actually I don't want to go on. I want to be with him. Just because I'm still breathing, it doesn't make me alive. I've died with him.
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Re: Help me my son just died

Postby FionaG » Tue Mar 22, 2016 8:03 pm

I don't know what to say, I'm so sorry, my heart aches reading your story. I can't even imagine what you're going through. :cry: All I can do is send you love & pray that, somehow, you can find peace & comfort & the strength to keep going. I also pray that your fibro settles soon - my Gran died just after new year, we were really close so I'm still devastated, but my fibro went into a horrible flare then. I'm only just fighting my way out of it now & finding positive things to do that I know my Gran would be proud of me for doing. I hope & pray that you can find the same strength to come through this. I really am so sorry, I wish I could help you somehow. xxx
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Re: Help me my son just died

Postby AlisonL » Tue Mar 22, 2016 8:28 pm

Horrendous, horrid, devastating. Made worse by the attitude of his wife and her family.
But I beg you to think - would your son want the price of his death to be yours? I am convinced that he would want you to go on living. The saying that no-one is ever dead while people still remember and love then is trite but true. You don't mention any other family - but i ma sure you have family, either by blood or creation through good friends, who would be doubly devastated if they lost you as well.
Being sidelined for the funeral is unjust and unfair, but unfortunately it is going to happen. Could you maybe look at planning and holding a different memorial for him that does not include those who are excluding you? A gathering at his favourite place with readings and shared memories?
Down the line I would urge you to go to bereavement counselling - not when it is all still so raw and painful, but further down the line it might help you move through the roar of grief and anger to a better place to grieve in.
When you think your family and friends have had enough, talk to the Samaritans - they are not just for suicide, but there for any unbearable thoughts.Either find an outside place - a deserted beach or some-such - to scream , or scream into your pillow. I'm not surprised your head and neck are so very painful right now. Screaming helps, or sing his favourite songs very loudly, much the same physical release, if not for the anger.
Please let us all know how you are getting on.
Love, hugs and prayers.
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Re: Help me my son just died

Postby AlisonL » Tue Mar 22, 2016 8:31 pm

p.s., I'm sorry, just reread your post and of course your husband must not be abandoned now.
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Re: Help me my son just died

Postby galio » Tue Mar 22, 2016 10:53 pm

I feel for you so much, no one will ever know how you feel properly I can come close I lost my daughter 2 years ago a month before her 27th birthday, but we had the joy of 6 months with her knowing she was going to lose her battle with a terminal brain tumor, like all above I feel your son would not want you to join him but rather keep him in your heart and mind and remember him and love him, a piece of you died with him but he wouldnt want all of you to follow him, he would rather you be there to support your husband and let your husband support you too, and to keep his momory close to you, word are all I can offer and a cyber hug, please do speak about him dont feel his name should be whispered for fear of upsetting anyone, it is your grief and you can grieve any way you want there are no rules rant rave cry shout scream at the injustice of it all, and I also agree if his wife is not giving you a chance to be involved with the funeral arrangements have a memorial day yourself with friends and family at a later date. big hugs for you and your husband.
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Re: Help me my son just died

Postby Patsb » Wed Mar 23, 2016 3:34 pm

I lost my 23 yr old son in a car crash 15 yrs ago.he had sole custody of his 3 yr old son who we raised.you will never get over your loss but you will learn to cope.
Sending much love xxxxxx
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Re: Help me my son just died

Postby *Lisa* » Wed Mar 23, 2016 5:55 pm

So sorry to hear of your loss :hugs:
As a Public Moderator & Admin of this forum my opinions/views expressed are personal and are no more valid than those of other members and not necessarily those of UKFibromyalgia...Lisa
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Re: Help me my son just died

Postby Saffie » Wed Mar 23, 2016 10:47 pm

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I cannot imagine how you must be feeling but I do urge you to think of what your son would say if he heard your reaction. It is an understandable reaction of yours upon hearing of your son's untimely demise in such an horrific manner but you will heal, slowly, but you will heal.
Your daughter-in-laws reaction is to some extent understandable, as she will be extremely angry. She will also want those closest to her to assist with arrangements as, I am sure, she is still in shock and on auto-mode. Maybe a gentler approach from an intermediary, such as your husband or priest, may make her more agreeable to some input from you.
I so hope things get easier for you and my heart goes out to you.
Very best wishes and big hugs.
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Re: Help me my son just died

Postby Claire'scomfycorner » Fri Mar 25, 2016 9:49 am

I'm so sorry for you loss, thinking of you and your family xx
As a Public Moderator of this forum my opinions/views expressed are personal and are no more valid than those of other members and not necessarily those of UKFibromyalgia :) x
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Re: Help me my son just died

Postby tintagel » Fri Mar 25, 2016 9:18 pm

Many thanks to you all xxx
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Re: Help me my son just died

Postby animalhouse » Sat Mar 26, 2016 8:31 am

I am so sorry to have come across your post.

I hope you can feel at peace soon, especially with the funeral.

I can,t image how you are feeling, I had to put my 9 month old kitten down yesterday and that was bad enough.
Short
Death makes us reflect on our own lives, their impact on ourselves and others. It did make me realise life is too
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Re: Help me my son just died

Postby nettyandmasey » Sat Apr 02, 2016 1:29 pm

I lost my partner in a motorcycle accident twenty years ago, I won't say I understand your pain completely because he was my partner not my son. You don't expect to bury your children. His family arranged the funeral and although he was living with me he was not yet divorced. His marriage ended before we met, I will never forget the shock of seeing the words loving husband on his gravestone. Which apparently put there for his sons benefit, who was two at the time! Saying goodbye is a very personal thing .I learnt to do what I need to do to attempt to get through the pain, if that means visiting the grave everyday as long as you need to do it. Nobody can tell you how to grieve.

You will get through this but you will never forget or not hurt.

Road peace meetings helped me a long way down the line.

Remember no one can take your memories or your love for your son
xxxx
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Re: Help me my son just died

Postby jip » Sat Apr 02, 2016 6:43 pm

Hello...I just wanted to give you my heart felt sympathy on your loss....I lost my beloved eldest son 7 months ago and your words said all the feelings I had and still do....your GP will help you and can also direct you where to get help with your grief...it's the worst thing and nothing said can help...Jane
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