Sorry to have a moan. ..but I dont want to be here anymore

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Sorry to have a moan. ..but I dont want to be here anymore

Postby linzipd » Fri Jun 03, 2016 3:01 am

Hey guys

Not been on in ages hope everyone ok.

Ive had FM and border line Discoid Lupus for 10 years. I was 23 then. I had a great life.
I didn't work for 5 years but ive got a good p/t job thats perfect for my situation.
In the next few weeks I should be meeting a student advisor about planning my route to uni.

So life should be good right? Jeezo!

Ok so explain. .lol ive been really depressed for probably half my life. Unimaginable family problems, tragedies. Just like everyone else on this forum. We all have problems outwith out health.
Now there are 2 reasons for my deep deep depression. My health and a devastating personal problem.

The pain, how little confidence I have, I cant plan the future at all. My dream was to run a bar "Cocktails and Dreams- something like that.

The truth is now I want to die. I cant take this mental torture. Im so unhappy. I have no like proper friends. You know someone that u can rely on. Im ridiculously lonely-even tho I stay with my mum ( I hafld my own flat but I had sone kind of psychosis) so moved background to mums.

But I cant take my own life because of two ppl and wat it would do to them. So im completely trapped.! I cry, sob alot. Ive had counselling. I had 6 sessions recently which was intense and opened cans and left them open.

Is there anything I can do? I long for this torture to end. I know it must seem weird that I talk so frankly about wanting to die and im sorry if thats offensive to anyone.

Please help me? Ive no idea wat anyone could say but in kinda desperate.

Take care you guys xx
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Re: Sorry to have a moan. ..but I dont want to be here anymo

Postby WelshWonder » Fri Jun 03, 2016 6:11 am

First of all, you dont need to apologise for the way you are feeling. It is good to acknowledge it and talk about it. The fact that you are showing such concern for others, even though you feel consumed by your situation, is the seed of hope that you need to work to grow into a more positive situation for you and your family. I would pursue the counselling route, perhaps with a new counsellor if it didnt work out first time around. Im in my 30s and have had to stay in my very stressful job for financial reasons in support of my family, despite my FM. I thought I was coping but in reality I was barely functioning as a human being...relationships at home and work were suffering and my daily life was both physical and mental torture. I access some counselling, albeit with reservations, through a free scheme at work and it has turned my life around. I still have FM pain everyday but as Im more armoured and resilient mentally I am more able to cope with it. My home life is much improved....Ive just completed a pretty active holiday which is something I havent been able to face in years and Im actually enjoying the daily challenges presented by my busy worklife. Looking back I was in a really dark place, experiencing very dark thoughts, but the counselling really made a difference. My thoughts are with you. Please give another talking therapy a shot.
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Re: Sorry to have a moan. ..but I dont want to be here anymo

Postby AlisonL » Fri Jun 03, 2016 8:37 am

Glad that you are posting here instead of swallowing the pills. Please please please got to your docs and ask for an urgent referral to the Adult mental health team in your area. You need more than counselling - expert help is out there but you might have to fight to access it. I got treatment after I had told them at some length what my (very specific at the time) plans for suicide were.
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Re: Sorry to have a moan. ..but I dont want to be here anymo

Postby Garyl » Fri Jun 03, 2016 11:52 am

linzipd glad you are still posting i know where you are at this moment in time as i am the same, i just returned from Hospital after another CT scan. Iam feeling low as i am unable to cope.

But i am going to stay strong for my friends and good people like you
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Re: Sorry to have a moan. ..but I dont want to be here anymo

Postby linzipd » Mon Jun 06, 2016 3:58 am

Thanks for replying guys.

I really believe in counseling and have jumped at every chance ive had. But with most thinga it comes down to money. A load of resources have been cut from my local counseling and I dnt have any more chances of 1 to 1 counseling left. There are great groupa in a town about 6 miles away but its goup sessions and I really struggle with getting there nevermind being in a group

Allison, WelshWonder, im so glad talking therapy has worked for you :-) . Keep going and im glad u have family around you, especially kids!

I have literary sat in front of my gp and told her I want to die. That I have had enough of my life and the world around me. I triggered a risk assessment at RAMH, my local mental health service.

Gary im thinking of you. Im in hell, does it feel like that to u? I almost feel numb because of how trapped I feel.lve to u all as always xx
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Re: Sorry to have a moan. ..but I dont want to be here anymo

Postby Claire'scomfycorner » Tue Jun 07, 2016 4:48 pm

Sending you a massive hug Linzipd, I'm sorry you are going through hell. What is your local mental health service doing for you? Can you get more counselling? Has your GP tried antidepressants? I've been where you are now and I've come out the other side. You can fight this, what you are feeling is only temporary and you will smile again, I promise you that!

Try to get as much support around you as you can. You are not alone in your fight.

Big hugs
Claire
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Re: Sorry to have a moan. ..but I dont want to be here anymo

Postby linzipd » Thu Aug 04, 2016 2:05 am

Claire thanks for replying. As most of us, I have been on anti.D's. Different ones, types. The latest one im on is Duloxitine-reported to have painkilling benefits.
Im on opiates-They do the job most of time. I know they have affects which can add to chemicals in my brain.

I smoke cannabis. Im trying to stop. In last 3 weeks ive utilised my local drug service RDS.

Im waiting for 2 key workers. One from the latest CPN intervention because I had my 4th unexplained delusional psychosis. (docs have actually discounted the cannabis as a cause! He told me why, to do with pattern of the 4 episodes-dont really remember). They have a feeling that it could be stress. My brain has enough ans trys to protect its self (?)

I recently found out my father sexually abusdd my siater and I now have memories of being abused myself. They aren't false as i recall context, they days and memories all make sense now.

Basically im on a roughly 6 week waiting list. I understand. The budget cuts.

Two weekends ago I was in work. Sobbing, I took scissors to my arm and upper leg. I had had enough and, I dunno why I juat wanted to feel pain.

Im hanging on by a thread. Lets just hope its got 6 weeks strenght in it cos I haven't.

Love to everyone as always
X
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Re: Sorry to have a moan. ..but I dont want to be here anymo

Postby Claire'scomfycorner » Thu Aug 04, 2016 8:37 pm

I'm so sorry that you have been sexually abused and that you are self harming :( My heart breaks for you. I hope that the 2 key workers help you and that you get the help and support you need.

Hugs
Claire
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Re: Sorry to have a moan. ..but I dont want to be here anymo

Postby Serendipity » Sun Aug 28, 2016 1:54 pm

I am so sorry to hear what's happening to you linzipd. You are really going through a lot but at the same time you are fighting hard to get the help you need. The revelation that came to you is something really difficult to cope so it is understandable to feel this way. You are not alone.... you can fight this. The episodes you had sounds like PTSD symptoms which are entirely normal after what you've been through and after the memories came back to you. You can be better... you will be better. Give yourself some time. Keep on insisting with the counselling sessions, there are many types and many orientations, try to go for something long term so you can talk about your experience and find yourself again... It is difficult but that future you envisaged is still there waiting for you... don't give up.
Thinking of you and sending you lots of love
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