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PostPosted: Fri Aug 31, 2012 5:13 pm
by fionamalkin
We burst out of the tunnel into bright bright sunshine, leaving the mists of France behind us we race through the sheep grazed hillocks of the English country side, obviously spring arrived while we were away.

Having enjoyed my trip to Bruges immensely I am now well ensconced at home, it has been a busy week more of the same but with three or four driver breakdowns and Ali's own car poorly in the garage the pressure has been on.
So is this a man thing , trying to cope without a car? I have noticed before, it is as though they are missing a limb only three quarters of the man is functioning and inarticulately at that. Amid panics of cars, vans and boats I have struggled to keep my calm, I mean quite literally to keep my mind in a calm place, I cannot allow myself to loose my guard I am climbing out of a "Fibro flare" and have no wish to fall backwards. There it is again, FIbromyalgia, I have thought long and hard about mentioning this in my blog thinking it would somehow tarnish the escapist mood when I write, but thinking back writing helped me a lot during the problems of December and January when I was beyond most things even Fibromyalgia, so as is the nature of the condition for me, it probably will come and go during my blogging.

Fibromyalgia has become another thread that runs through my life, not a single thread that enhances like an embroidery, nor a thread woven so deeply that it's absence would cause unravelling, but a thread that is vital to the pattern and the story, it has multiple consequences, it is defining, confining even at times but I will not say controlling as I believe there are some aspects of it I can learn to control myself. Having said this I sometimes just get totally swamped, engulfed and once or twice I have been quite unable to function in any productive manner, I think this latest flare may have been a stress reaction, no surprise really. At the moment I am aching mildly probably a result from my ten minutes of exercise yesterday my first practical efforts to pull out of my hole. I can mentally relax my muscles and I remind myself that I am OK because I know I am, but I think I don't believe it all the time. What is weird about all this is that I believe I have done this to myself, I have read various papers and articles on the subject and I recognise myself in profile, because of decisions I made in order to cope with my life, forcing myself into things demanded of me by work or circumstance that were outside my natural instincts of control and comfort. Anyway enough of the analysis for now, it is a complicated matter but I do see some sort of pattern developing, at the moment I feel like I am wrestling control once more. I feel a bit like I am trying to stuff a down bag into it's stuff sack but fabric keeps erupting just when I think I'm about to secure the toggle. I like this analogy I will hold it in my head along with my chest of coping strategies and imagine it neatly toggled shut and utterly constrained.

I see an irony I have always disliked the way society puts everything in a box, I always thought I had an edge maybe not a sharp one but an edge just the same, and here am I totally boxed and not only that but I recognise myself within.


PostPosted: Sat Sep 01, 2012 9:32 am
Hi Fiona,

How beautifully written. I admire your ability to articulate makes me feel the words are dancing on the page. I too can relate to just coming out of a flare but I feel my bag i choose to leave open.

It's better for me to accept its there than resisting or trying to hide it. When I have pulled the toggle shut I crash and burn.

So I leave mine flapping makes me a flapper oh how articulate am I :-D

Tatt x


PostPosted: Sat Sep 01, 2012 4:34 pm
by fionamalkin

Yes today I feel the fight has gone out of me somewhat, it's just always there isn't it, good days and bad days and all that goes
in between x