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The UKFibromyalgia Forums • View topic - New relationship - how do I tell him?



New relationship - how do I tell him?

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New relationship - how do I tell him?

Postby CES90 » Sat Mar 07, 2015 12:08 pm

Hi,

I'm new to the forums.

I'm 24, and was finally diagnosed with Fibro when I was 16, so I've had a lot of ups and downs, but few relationships, so never really had to bring it up.

I've just started seeing a new guy, who frankly is wonderful and I'm sure will be amazing when I tell him, but whenever I've tried to explain it to people I always just feel like an idiot! 'I get tired a lot, and my whole body aches all the time' doesn't really quite get it across.

Does anyone please have any advice on what to say, and how to not scare him away and make it seem like a big deal?

Thanks :)
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Re: New relationship - how do I tell him?

Postby FluppyPuffy » Sat Mar 07, 2015 1:41 pm

:welcome: to our little FibroFamily :cow-wave: :cow-wave: :cow-wave:

I've popped you into here as it's a more suitable place for a first post, where you had originally posted is one of the busiest boards so you would have dropped down into the deepest, darkest depths of the forum into the realm of the DustBunnies rather quickly.

Explaining to others what FM is and how it affects you is always :shock: :shock: :shock: And trying to keep it brief yet clear and informative can leave you just wanting to :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead:

The usual sort of advice given when someone asks about how to tell others is to print up some info from reliable sources, give to the people you're wanting to tell, ask them to read it, and then try and answer any queries and questions they may have, but I don't think that would be right for who you are wanting to tell.

When I've had to explain things I've used descriptions such as it's a condition where I constantly feel chronic pain and chronic fatigue as a lot of people seem to have heard of, or know someone with CFS/ME and have slightly more knowledge of what the condition can be like. I can then acknowledge that there are a lot of similarities/overlapping symptoms with both conditions, but with FM, pain is the major problem experienced, very closely followed by the fatigue. Then, depending on the situation, add in a few of the problems and symptoms you deal with, and if possible, add in a funny experience you have had in relation to what you have mentioned. If from there he wants to know more, explain about some of the other things you have experienced and dealt with.

The inevitable serious part of the telling will come along where he will probably make comments about how awful it must be having to live with it, which of course needs to be acknowledged. Rather than overly focussing on that side of things tho, you could try to flip it round to something more positive, even if it's something a bit cheesey like without FM in the mix, we might not be sat here enjoying a drink together. It's finding that balance for you to convey the seriousness of the condition along with the things you do to try and get the best out of situations/days/life.

Hopefully there is a bit of sense somewhere in my wafflings and ramblings. If not, hopefully someone will come along with something a little more helpful for you xx

Seriously tho, if he is a half~decent guy, he'll accept you for who you are, lumps, bumps, FM and all. Try not to stress about telling him too much as, altho he will pick up signals from you that something is bothering you, due to that Y chromosome that makes him male, it could all be misinterpreted.


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Re: New relationship - how do I tell him?

Postby Zia2014 » Sat Mar 07, 2015 6:12 pm

Welcome to the boards! I agree with FP. The easiest way I've found to explain it is to say it is like ME/CFS. Maybe you could start by asking if he knows anyone with a chronic pain/fatigue condition?

I would also use the spoon theory (it's on here if you do a search) as I feel it really helped my partner understand the fatigue side of things. And I use the word exhaustion rather than tiredness because lots of people underestimate the effect.

I would also talk about the unpredictability of it, because in the early stages of a relationship that sort of thing could really affect you both, and it's important he knows you aren't flaky and it's part of your condition.

Finally, I would tell him about the cognitive stuff - fibro fog, mixing up of words, forgetting names, confusion, all that stuff. I'm very conscious that people who don't know think I'm stupid, when I'm not! And that sort of thing bothers me if not anyone else ;-)

Good luck with it - just be honest and explain the effect it has, and if he's a wonderful guy he will do his best by you.
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