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The UKFibromyalgia Forums • View topic - I'm heading to a bad place



I'm heading to a bad place

Any tips on what helps you including alternative medicine.

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I'm heading to a bad place

Postby MollieH » Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:42 pm

This might get long, I don't mind of nobody reads it. Perhaps letting it out will be cathartic.

My diagnosis came about 18 months ago, but I've been symptomatic for four-five years. Unlike many people with fibromyalgia, my clinical depression came first, when I was about 20 (again, suffering for a lot longer, diagnosis lot later).

I'd always been extremely ambitious, school-college-uni-chase the career of my dreams. When I inexplicably fell ill, that kind of spiralled out of control and I wound up out of regular work for two years (I hardly count temping for a week here and there as work). My partner is extremely intelligent and very successful in his field, though he isn't quite as ambitious as me. He's never really complained about my situation, but I hate that I feel like a let down when I've had to admit defeat. He deserves better. Finally, three months ago after a year of living in a completely new town, I got a full time job that seemed to have it all. Work from home when I want, small office where I can park my car directly outside. People that don't hassle or crowd me when I'm having a bad day.

At first.

I'm now doing the job of two people, and my job is easy as hell to begin with. I used to work at such a higher level and had such high hopes, but now I can't even handle a menial job that a trained chimp could do. Having so much on my shoulders has led to flare up after flare up, but because I'm so stubborn and hide how I'm feeling, I've ploughed on through it, coping with strong painkillers and a lot of coffee. Today I had to actually call in sick, as I fainted when I stood up, a by-product of a throat infection I am currently fighting off. Got a little bit of a guilt trip about working from home (or lack thereof today in this case) then my boss went onto to say that she was suffering with the FLU but still managed to get into work and do things (even though I am taking on both of our workloads).

I've tried talking on a professional basis about this, to air my concerns. I get shot down every time. It's a sole trader-type company so there is no HR department, there's literally four of us in the office. I've found myself worrying myself sick about the hassle I'm going to be getting when I go back in, and the fact my workload is piling up and up and I'm already finding it hard to cope with such a simple bloody task.

So I've fallen back into quite a severe depression. I used to be capable of so much more, I had hopes for so much more. I'm so tired of letting people down and I don't know what to do. My heart is telling me to quit while I still have a grasp on reality, whereas my head knows that for the sake of money and my relationship I need to ride it out. I just don't know how long I can keep up the cycle of asking to talk about my workload-being put down-trying to cope-BIG flare up etc etc.

I don't know what is worse right now, the physical or mental pain. I'm quite sure that I am not an immediate danger to myself. But when I go down the stairs, I sit at the bottom and sob thanks to how painful it is. I don't know where to go next, what to do. I don't want to have to increase my pain meds and antidepressants again, I'm already feeling as though I have no true identity.
Last edited by MollieH on Tue Nov 15, 2011 9:03 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: I'm heading to a bad place

Postby denys » Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:55 pm

Hi Mollie first thing you do is visit your GP, your anti D's may not be as effective as they were 6 months ago so you may need a med review. Have you told your boss about FM and the effect stress has on your condition???????????????? If not and you want to supply some up to date info then print of some from here or the NHS website etc, leave it in the office and ask your colleagues to look at it.

Explain you aren't looking for special dispensation, BUT when you ring in sick its because you really can't get out of bed/function on a normal level.

We all have faced the disappointment of having to stop the plan we had of our lives and alter course, this has meant for lots of us that we cannot use the qualifications or intelligence we showd pre fibro and so understand completely the feeling of isolation and disappointment.

I personally have found the only way to lessen these feelings was to choose another path, think of something you do maybe as a hobby and look at whether you could make a success if you followed that path.

Have you been offered one of the talking therapies for your depression/stress maybe coupled with the tablets may help even a little?????

We are here for you and do genuinely know what you are going through so keep posting and :fingerscrossed: :fingerscrossed: you'll find a way to feel a little better :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :flowers: :flowers: :flowers: :flowers: :flowers:
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Re: I'm heading to a bad place

Postby MollieH » Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:59 pm

Thank you Denys.

Although my GP is great about my fibro I find it doesn't work that way with the depression and although I've asked about therapy I always get told that it's not right for me. Thing is everyone I know dumps their problems on me, because I usually cope 'so well' with my problems (on the outside) people think it's alright to just use me as their weight bearer and I get nothing in return. Because of my depression I don't complain because I think I'm worthless.

But I just really want someone to talk to.
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Re: I'm heading to a bad place

Postby denys » Tue Nov 15, 2011 6:13 pm

Just wrote a long winded post and lost it :facepalm: :facepalm: :facepalm: :swear1: :swear1: :swear1: Mollie you are not worthless far from it, people must see you as a very strong person as they trust you with their problems. You must be kinder to yourself so when anyone starts to unload on you, listen politely and let it go through one ear and out the other, as you said in your 1st post letting it out can sometimes be cathartic and so by listewning you are helping your friend but by letting it go straight away you are helping yourself.

You cant take in everyones woes and keep it there as it will eat away at you, cant understand your doc, although he knows you better than me, but I would have thought a person with low selfesteem would be a perfect person for a talking therapy?????? :dunno: :dunno: :dunno: is there another doc in the practice that you could speak to :?: :?: :?: :?: :?: :?:

Antway we are always here if you need us and if you want to talk about anything personal, put it in the private board as then its only members that can see it :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :flowers: :flowers:
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Re: I'm heading to a bad place

Postby MollieH » Tue Nov 15, 2011 6:33 pm

Thank you, I didn't know there was a private board.

Means a lot that someone will listen. x
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Re: I'm heading to a bad place

Postby denys » Tue Nov 15, 2011 6:35 pm

Always we all know how bad we can end up feeling so dont ever worry about letting things out we all do it :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: I'm heading to a bad place

Postby leakaycra » Tue Nov 15, 2011 7:37 pm

Hi mollie

I am new to this forum and like you my depression (bipolar) came first and i too have been feeling really low the last couple of weeks but last week i posted my first post on here and just knowing that someone actually cares has meant a lot to me so just keep posting if need be as someone always seems to be at the other end.
Please don't put a money value on what is the best for you as having money and being sad is just not worth it you and your health are worth more.

:goodluck2:
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Re: I'm heading to a bad place

Postby FluppyPuffy » Tue Nov 15, 2011 8:07 pm

Altho it is a good number of years since I was at work, at lot of what you have said was what I went thru Mollie, with increasing workload, being the one to sort out all problems and just generally expected to carry on with everything regardless of what I was feeling and going thru :facepalm: :facepalm:

I can't understand why your GP has said that talking therapies won't be right for you. The only way you can know if something is right for someone is to let them experience things and see how they go. If you're up to it, try asking about the possibility again, as denys has already said, with how you're thinking and feeling at the moment, you could possible benefit from the different approaches and strategies that can come from these kind of things.

You're very definitely not worthless, useless or any other lesses there may be :nono: :nono: :nono: And try not to be so hard on your self, it's not your fault you have these illnesses/conditions, they have developed over time from whatever events, reasons or other things that may be lurking around. It's not like you flicked thru a medical encyclopaedia and picked out the problems you would have :shock: :shock:

Altho you are employed by a sole trader, and so can't turn to HR, you still have rights and protection with the Equalities Act. One of the things an employer needs to do for an employee with an illness/condition is to make necessary adjustments so they can work in an environment which is as suitable for their illness as possible. There is also a Disability Employment Advisor, found in JobCentre Plus, who can help with these matters as well. It may be worth looking into this to see how they may be able to help you.


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Re: I'm heading to a bad place

Postby MollieH » Tue Nov 15, 2011 11:10 pm

Thank you so so much for the replies, you probably have some idea of how much it means.
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Re: I'm heading to a bad place

Postby cherryblossom » Wed Nov 16, 2011 1:43 am

Hi Mollie. So sorry to hear you are having such a rough time at the moment. I know some of how you feel. Out of myself and OH I'm the one who can earn a much higher wage than OH as I have more qualifications/ experience. We had it all planned out, how we were going to do things as we got older and when.

But it didn't go to plan :nono: . OH suddenly got very ill, as time went on to the extent I had to be with him 24/7 else he was a danger to himself. I also had three young children at the time to look after, two with learning/ behavioural/physical difficulties. He was in a wheelchair for quite a long time too, still is sometimes.

Then last year I was dx with FM. I felt like the whole world was against us. :cry: :cry: All our plans had to change. We've eben changing them for years now. Our lives are nothing to what we wanted them to be. But now we just take each day, each hour even sometimes, as it comes and try to deal with it that way. It's hard, very hard, and it's very hard to find someone to talk to who will listen without thinking that you're just whinging and moaning again.

That's where I find this forum such a great place. :D Everyone on here has been thru at least some of the things we all experience and there is always someone who genuinley knows how you feel. It's my life-saver and I know it is for many others too. You come on hear and shout and scream as much as you want to - no-one judges you here, they just all support each other :hugs: . Please take care of yourself and know that on here at least there are people who are pleased that you are here, everyone is a someone on here, we are all needed by someone else and that includes YOU! Take care and loads of gentle supportive :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: Cherry x
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Re: I'm heading to a bad place

Postby MollieH » Thu Nov 17, 2011 12:05 pm

I hate that feeling - like the world is conspiring against you. As I said, I've had depression for years longer than fibro, and I also have issues with Body Dysmorphia - I cannot look in the mirror at myself full length without feeling nauseous/crying. To top things off people consistently tell me how lucky I am to have my man, and I should work hard to hang onto him, as if I didn't already know he's too good for me.

Anyway, I really want to address all of these niggling issues, so I'm off to see my GP today and ask AGAIN about getting someone to talk to.
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Re: I'm heading to a bad place

Postby denys » Thu Nov 17, 2011 7:19 pm

Mollie, you are not less worthy than your man, he's also very very lucky to have you and from what you have said I'm sure he would tell you that as well I really do think the talking therapies would be a really good thing for you as it would help you to see your worth and help to change your way of thinking. Really press your GP and if he wont comply then see another till you find one who will.
:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :flowers: :flowers: :flowers: :flowers: :flowers:
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Re: I'm heading to a bad place

Postby FluppyPuffy » Thu Nov 17, 2011 8:33 pm

Definitely keep trying for the talking therapy Mollie, it can help you find more suitable ways to look at and approach things. And you're not worthless. Like you I have a very special (to me any way :blowkiss: :blowkiss: ) OH and think I'm lucky to have him, the important thing I need to keep remembering tho is that he thinks that he's lucky to have me as well. And it's very probably the same with you and your OH, there will be those extra special bits about you that make your OH feel the same way :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:


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Re: I'm heading to a bad place

Postby MollieH » Fri Nov 25, 2011 10:35 am

My doctor still won't refer me, so I've asked to see a different GP next week in hope of more luck. I asked her to explain why and she said because I've been on anti-depressants for so long, it's best to wean off of them first before trying talking therapies.

Feeling utterly and completely deflated.
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Re: I'm heading to a bad place

Postby denys » Fri Nov 25, 2011 1:40 pm

Why would you need to ditch the antiD's before attempting talking therapies thats rubbish, I was and still am on antiD's I underwent intensive counselling and have just been referred for CBT I cannot come off anti D's completely as everytime I try I'm fine for a while but then start to slip back so I'm sure you can go for the talking therapies while on your tabs and then hopefully it will work so well that you can reduce your tabs or even come off them

:fingerscrossed: :fingerscrossed: :fingerscrossed: :fingerscrossed: :fingerscrossed: that the new doc will help :fingerscrossed: :fingerscrossed: :fingerscrossed: :goodluck2: :goodluck2: :goodluck2: :goodluck2: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:
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