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The UKFibromyalgia Forums • View topic - Daft Jokes !



Daft Jokes !

Any tips on what helps you including alternative medicine.

Moderators: perseus, *Lisa*, FluppyPuffy

Postby Joo » Thu Mar 09, 2006 2:40 pm

THREE WOMEN -- ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED
IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.

THE GERMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT
HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. "I HAVE A MICROCHIP
UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE JAPANESE WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER
EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A
MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, SHE DECIDED
SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA!
AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING
FROM HER BEHIND.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE HILLBILLY WOMAN FINALLY SAID, "WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT - I'M
GETTIN' A FAX." :lol: :D :lol: :D :shock: :lol: :D :shock: Joo x
Smile - you might as well and it makes better looking wrinkles!!!
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Postby BuffyBoo » Thu Mar 09, 2006 3:28 pm

Sometimes my mind wanders, sometimes it leaves altogether!
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Postby Joo » Thu Mar 09, 2006 3:47 pm

:lol: Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"

Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

:shock: :lol: :shock: :lol: :shock: :lol: Joo x
[/i]
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Postby Joo » Thu Mar 09, 2006 3:49 pm

A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," she prays, "if I don't get some cash, I'm gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.

"Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."

:roll: :lol: :roll: :lol: Joo x
Smile - you might as well and it makes better looking wrinkles!!!
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Postby BuffyBoo » Thu Mar 09, 2006 11:12 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Sometimes my mind wanders, sometimes it leaves altogether!
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Postby Joo » Thu Mar 09, 2006 11:59 pm

:? Is it only me and you Buffyboo who copes with a whacky sense of humour or are peeps missing the 2nd page?!!! :shock: :lol: Joo x
Smile - you might as well and it makes better looking wrinkles!!!
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Postby IanR » Fri Mar 10, 2006 10:16 pm

Answering Machine at a Mental Hospital.


"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline"
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All the operators can't be arsed to talk to you.

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy for ever.

If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.
:wink: :D :D :D

oh well worth a try :D
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Postby mairi » Fri Mar 10, 2006 10:44 pm

Thanks Ian. That post was brilliant. Have had a good laugh, a tonic after an exhausting day part of which was spent with a psychologist at the pain clinic. Think you did me more good. How are your hands?
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Postby BuffyBoo » Sat Mar 11, 2006 12:35 am

I liked it Ian.....
tickled me....lol
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Postby BuffyBoo » Sat Mar 11, 2006 12:45 am

Now that Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas has become firmly established in Hollywood, and Charlotte Church is a well-known celebrity in the UK, the Welsh film industry is to receive additional funding to step up production. They are going to
remake many well known films, but this time with a Welsh flavour.

The following are planned for release this year...

* 9½ Leeks

* Trefforest Gump

* Cwmando

* The Lost Boyos

* An American Werewolf in Llandudno

* Huw Dares Gwyneth

* Dai Hard

* The Wizard of Oswestry

* Cool Hand Look-you

* Sheepless in Seattle

* The Magnificent Severn

* Haverfordwest Was Won (clever!)

* Austin Powys

* The Magic Rhonddabout

* Independence Dai

* The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch That Time Forgot

* Welsh Connection

* Welsh Connection II

* The Bridge on the River Wye

* Lawrence of Arabergevenny

* A Beautiful Mind-you

* The Welsh Patient

* Breakfast at Taffynys

* Look You Back in Bangor

* Evans Can Wait

* A Fishguard Called Rhondda

* Where Eagles Aberdare

* Dial M For Merthyr

* Moldfinger






A married couple in their early 60s was out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish." Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands. Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me." The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - the husband became 92 years old. The moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.



Reminds me of the joke about the man who found a fairy who'd grant him 1 wish-so he wished he had a pecker that could touch the ground.

The fairy. cut off his legs.




An Irish daughter hadn't been home 5 yrs. On returning, her dad cussed
her ""Where've ye been all this time? Why didna ye write, not even a
line? Why didna ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum
thru?""

Crying, she said ""Da...I became a prostitute!.""

""Ye wha!!? Out of here ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
disgrace to the family.""


""OK da-as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this fur coat, deed
to a 10 bdrm mansion & savings certificate for $5 million. For me lil
brother, a gold Rolex & for me da, the sparkling new Mercedes LE
convertible outside & membership to the country club...(takes a
breath)...an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my
new yacht in the Riviera &...""


Dad interrupts ""Now what was it ye said ye'd become?""


Cying again ""A prostitute da!""

" Well thank the Lord for that! I thought you said Protestant!"
Sometimes my mind wanders, sometimes it leaves altogether!
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Postby Carolyn » Sat Mar 11, 2006 2:00 pm

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for making me laugh, was having a really awful time until I read the jokes. has cheered me up no end!

Thanks Again

Gentle Hugs

carolyn
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Postby TracyC » Sat Mar 11, 2006 2:16 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

All very very funny!
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Postby TracyC » Sat Mar 11, 2006 2:20 pm

If men got pregnant...
 
Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem.

Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay.

Children would be kept in hospital until toilet trained

Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

There would be a cure for stretchmarks.

Men wouldn't think twins were so cute.

Sons would have to be home from dates by 10pm.
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Postby TracyC » Sat Mar 11, 2006 2:23 pm

A plane was taking off from Heathrow Airport.

After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom:

'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from
London to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now, please sit back and relax -- OH MY GOD!'

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said,

'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-
attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see my
pants!'

A passenger in piped up, 'That's nothing... You should see mine!'






Tommy Cooperisms . . . . . . to brighten up the day.



A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The
shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."



I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.



I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't
reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."



My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.



A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor,
doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've
cut your arms off".



I went to a seafood disco last week . . . and pulled a muscle.



Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
sprinkles. Police say that he topped himself.



Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says,
"I'll give you some cream to put on it."



"Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."



Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
backside."

"How's that?"

"Don't you start."



So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a
lift?" I said, "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."



Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."  The other one
says, "So are you, you fat bast**d!"



Police arrested two kids yesterday; one was drinking battery acid, the other
was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.



A man walked into the doctors, he said, "My arm hurts in several places" The
doctor said, "Well don't go to those places any more"
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Thanks for this

Postby minty » Sat Mar 11, 2006 8:18 pm

This is diffenitly something that needs to be put in my medicine cabinet it made my day so much better please keep it going as we all need a break from the depression of Fibro
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