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The UKFibromyalgia Forums • View topic - Relationships



Relationships

Any tips on what helps you including alternative medicine.

Moderators: perseus, *Lisa*, FluppyPuffy

Relationships

Postby paganrocker » Wed Jul 26, 2006 4:02 pm

Take it a day at a time...
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Postby hippychick » Thu Jul 27, 2006 3:43 pm

Hi Paganrocker, I'm a newby to this forum too but totally understand what you're going through.

I have one of THE best husbands in the world in so-o-o many ways, but so far as me and FMS goes....w-h-o-l-e other ball game :!:

Because my initial problems started only six months after we met, (a back injury whilst nursing), he's always been understanding and supportive about my back problems. Always making sure I never try to lift things I shouldn't or stand for too long or sit awkwardly etc. Even understands about......well......you know what..... in the, (whispering)....bedroom department :oops:

BUT since I hit 41 and the body's been all downhill eversince with the FMS finally being diagnosed after seven l-o-n-g years, he's gone into Ostrich mode. Head buried firmly in the sand.

I don't want to have to keep moaning and groaning about all my aches and pains, coz heaven knows we've got more than enough eh? But somedays he'll see me grimace and ask, 'what's wrong now?' From time to time, I'll actually start to say, that for instance, 'it's my left knee giving me jip', or 'my arms won't let me do my hair' or...well you get the picture? But tbh, because I see his eyes glazing over when I try to explain, most of the time, I'll just sigh and say, 'nothing different to my normal'! :cry:

Maybe I'm at fault for not really getting it all through to him, I don't know, but hell- even my GP still hasn't got it on my records and he learnt the diagnosis at the same time as me, from the Rheumo, over four years ago :!: :!: :!: So, no wonder my hubby hasn't got to grips with it all yet.

Just the other day as I was sitting in the recliner with my feet up, (on docs orders as I'm on crutches at the mo), I had my lappy on and was attempting to catch up on email when my eyelids once again just got tooooo heavy to keep open. Nodded off, only to be awoken with my husband shouting at me 'for God's sake WAKE UP and get lively woman. You're going to be old before your time'. I felt sheer desperation at this and almost lost for words, I just said that I couldn't help it. I was just worn out. At this my husband simply said, 'well go to bed then'! As if that would make it all better :cry: :cry: :cry: So, I made myself get up and hobble out to make a cup of tea, which was so-o-o-o hard with eyelids and arms like lead. I swear that if I'd managed to get upstairs I would have fallen on the bed and gone out like a light there and then. If only I could get some decent restorative sleep at night, it might help :?: That's the thing he can't understand either, how I can be so-o-o-o tired but then can't drop right off to sleep the minute my head touches the pillow :?: Doesn't realize that it's the blooming pain that stops that happening. Then the same pains are what keep waking us all through the night too..... right :?:

Well, I've decided that when we go on our hols in a couple of weeks I am going to make a concerted effort to get this all through to him one way or another because I'm getting worse and need more support. My daughter reckons it's because I've always been so determined to be independant which is why my husband no longer offers to do things that I need help with.

Now while I'm probably the worst person to advise you on this, (more a case of do as I say, not as I do :lol: ), I really think you have to try and talk to your lady friend about how this debilitating illness truly affects you, (us). Maybe print off some stuff about it as I have? I've tried that leaving the info lying about all to no avail, but my husband pretty much walks around with his eyes shut :roll: Think the only way is to literally stick it under their noses to make them see it? I'm certainly gonna give that a go on our hols. :wink:

Have you got a support group anywhere near you :?: Coz that might be a solution :?: Take her along to one with you :?: I know that wouldn't work for me and my husband coz he's not 'into' that sort thing, more the private sort, but as a rule women are more receptive to the caring sharing kinds of things, so it might be just the job for your lady friend, (if you can force yourself to go in the first place :P ).

Anyhoo paganrocker, I tend to just try to appear cheerful so that my husband, friends and family don't give up on me completely coz nobody likes a grumble guts and this is why I am so-o-o-o relieved to have found this forum. On here we can all moan and groan about how we really feel and nobody is gonna judge or condemn us coz they all feel the same, most days 8)

Don't know if your old enough to remember but there's a song that depicts me to a T, it's called....The Tears of a Clown :!: That's me, Mrs. smiley happy on the outside and breaking my heart and feeling like a lot of wrist slashing on the inside. :wink:

Thank heavens for my fellow fibromites with whom I am just becoming accquainted. Life savers to a man, (well woman, oh you know what I mean :roll: )

Gentle huggles
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Postby HazelB » Thu Jul 27, 2006 11:12 pm

Hi PaganRocker

HippyChick said basically much of what I was going to answer - so I will just agree with what she has said.

I am really lucky in that my husband is totally supportive and understanding, and even when i'm shutting him out or else exploding about something, he just accepts it is part of the illness and lets me get it out my system.

I'm sorry to hear that your relationship is struggling - we have enough to ocpe with healthwise, without the added stress. I hope that you can both manage to work things out.

Hazel
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Relationships

Postby paganrocker » Sun Jul 30, 2006 12:56 am

Hi there, and thanks for your kind replies. I must say, it feels better knowing I am not alone in this, Well, we've had words, and it seems as though it boils down to one thing: what is she getting from the relationship? It's bad enough at the mo, what's it going to be like a few years down the line, when/if my conditions get really bad, so that she has to give up her precious time caring for me? Now I feel so guilty for having the FMS/CFS, which is making me feel more miserable than before :( and that affects the conditions, and I'm told I'm ruining her life by being ill, constantly in pain and moaning about it, which I keep to a minimum where I can :) I do have a sense of humour, and try to laugh off some of the probs associated with FMS, though that can't last for long somedays! I don't know what to do now, though I've told her I'm seeing my gp on monday to talk about my lack of libido, and my probs sleeping, and the FMS/CFS in general, so we shall see what happens there :) I'm also finding out about a local support group, and if poss, I will take herself along so she can get more of an insight

Why do I feel such a freak? She (and other people come to think of it) has such a hard time grasping the fact that if I'm irritable, bad tempered or just plain unhappy, it's nothing personal against her, I just feel like giving up trying to explain everything, and that my arms and legs won't work too well most days, and that I fall down stairs, drop a cup of tea or collapse in a heap after just a few yards of walking it's the FMS, not just me being lazy, incompetent and stupid, and I get told I can't blame everything on my condition when I feel low and depressed, it's that I don't care about her, and I resent her for being so active, having such a good job etc. I can't bloody win sometimes!!! :evil:

Anyway, I run the risk of rambling on a bit too much, but it's so refreshing to be able to share things :D

Ciao, Andy :wink:
Take it a day at a time...
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Postby HazelB » Sun Jul 30, 2006 7:09 pm

Hi Andy,

feel free to ramble away all you want - I'm sure we've all done it on here at some point or another - because its great being able to have others to share with who totally understnad what you are going through, without you having to go into long explanations.

I'm wondering if maybe your partner is scared by what is going on with your health - she is maybe scared and frustrated by seeing you in pain constantly, and fears for what your future together will be like??? Maybe she is scared that you become so ill, that you need to be cared for full-time etc ???

I might be totally off-base here but its the gut-feeling I'm having from reading through your words. You have maybe already done this - but I really feel that you both need to sit down and say exactly how you both feel, and it may help for your partner to visit your GP with you - and for the GP to explain how your symptoms are part of FMS - and not jsut you being lazy and stuff.

I think a local support group if there is one is excellent idea - i attend one and it is so great to talk to people face-to-face who understand. I think it would also help your partner to cope with your health ... its often overlooked that our partners often need a support network too.

good luck with your gp visit tomorrow ... and if they have any good solutions for lack of libido, maybe you should share - could do with something myself most of the time.

take care
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Postby holly » Mon Jul 31, 2006 11:23 am

Hi Andy

welcome to the group. All I can say is what the others have said that we are all here to moan or if we feel like it have a good laugh. No one on here judges anyone thats what is so good. This illness does make you feel alone and sometimes to a serious affect in what you might feel like doing to yourself. Although my husband and I now sleep apart (4 years) he is quite good at understanding things. Sometimes though we do row, big ones as well where we don't talk for days and I hate that, but we both come round in the end. Can you not try and get some time alone with your partner with some reading material and really go through it all, it might just help. I dunno the trouble is everyone is different in how they can cope with their partner having this illness all I know is that it is hard for us who have it. I call it the invisiable illness, just 'cos we haven't got a plastered arm or leg or some great big lump sticking out people seem to think that we are alright. Hippychick is right I think mostly we FMS'ers try to make it like that we are happy when inside we really want to curl up and die well perhaps not so dramatic sometimes, but you know what I mean. Perhaps thats where we all go wrong, but the trouble is who wants moaning, groaning people all the time. Might be a good idea to find a support group, i can't find one down my way but I have been to the pain clinic one but its an hours drive away and I can't drive in the dark and its too far really at night. ANyway I am rambling now not much advice I know but you are not alone, thinking about and hope things work out.

Speak again soon
Bye for now - holly
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help

Postby princess » Thu Apr 24, 2008 8:52 pm

Hi

I will guess that most of us on the board have been or are like that, so you are not alone.
Put her on the computer and let her see this forum.
Romantic - well how can you be in the mood if you are so bloody sore and tired, she needs to understand that.
I think you sound a wee bit depressed, so maybe have a word with your Dr about that, thats normal too, been there and got the t-shirt.
Useless yes we all feel that too.
You are just normal ok, you are as normal as the rest of us, it will get better, not symptom wise, but you will learn to deal with it honey

Let her speak to me on this computer :twisted: hahahahha
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