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The UKFibromyalgia Forums • View topic - So fed up



So fed up

Any tips on what helps you including alternative medicine.

Moderators: perseus, *Lisa*, FluppyPuffy

so fed up

Postby paganrocker » Fri Sep 29, 2006 10:03 am

Hi Helene, how are you doing? I'm sorry for not being on here much recently, things have got kind of busy with trying to sort out my housing situation and spending a lot of time with my lady, and some good mates.
The eviction from my home grows ever closer, and as my lady wants me to move near to her, I'm now desperately looking to leave Weymouth, and find a place in Poole, where she is. I've got my gp to do a medical report form to support an application for housing in her area, so I can get a place without stairs and level parking etc, on the grounds that I'll be closer to people who can care for, and support me when I need it, which she says she will do, but then I think how long's it going to be before she decides she's had enough of that too.
Our relationship seems to have grown stronger, and we've become much closer than we have for the past few months, which has made me very happy, but then she throws in this "space" thing, so I spend days on my own in my flat just wishing I could be with her, and trying not to say how I feel for fear of pushing her away. She still says she feels really guilty for putting me in this position, and I tell her it's ok and that I understand her reasons, but all the time, underneath I don't understand and I feel confused. I haven't asked her about "the other guy", since the way she's been towards me over the past few weeks has been very reassuring, and I've felt more relaxed. We talk on the phone every day we're not together, which seems to be getting more frequent, and I hate it when she says she doesn't want me to go and stay the weekend with her, it brings up all the old feelings of insecurity and the "there's someone else" phobia. We went to Guernsey a couple of weeks ago, it was great, and was a chance for us to get close again, and appreciate each others company, culminating in an intimate overnight stay in a hotel because the ferry was too late getting in, and I was in terrible pain with fibro in my legs from walking round St Peter Port all day, and felt great about everything after that, but being alone again just brings the bad thoughts flooding back again. The "new me" is now scared to say how I feel again, or worried that my assertivness will be mistaken for being demanding and needy, possessive etc. I don't want to be like this. I hate it.
I can't help but feel she wants her cake and eat it, ie she wants it all on her terms, and makes all the decisions on when we get together, not asking me what I want to do. I'm beginning to resent this. It just gets hard for me too when I'm suffering a flare up, and can't go anywhere or do anything, and haven't got her or anyone else around to support me and help me out, like the other day when I couldn't get off my sofa and had to crawl onto the floor and get to the loo on my hands and knees, or when I nearly spilt boiling water down my arm cos I couldn't lift the kettle to make a cup of tea, along with just having someone physically being there for me when I get down about things. Next week, she's off for a few days at an exhibition for work, and I've been asked to go and stay at hers to look after the place, and feed the cats while she's gone. when she gets back, it'll be "thanks for that, now bagger off cos I want to be alone". I can't cope with that. I feel I'm being taken for an idiot, and having to pander to everyone else's needs when it seems like mine don't come into it. I've been really bad with my fibro again because of all the stress and anxiety, and trying not to let my partner see how it's affecting me.
Oh gosh, i'm going on about myself again here, so maybe it's time to go and make a cup of tea and calm down a bit :oops:
Well, cheers for now, and thanks for your never ending patience with me on here, it's great to be able to let off steam, something I haven't done for a few weeks on here, I know! Hope you're ok and not feeling too bad right now. Hope to catch you soon :D

Regards , Andy xxx
Take it a day at a time...
paganrocker
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Postby TinaT » Sun Oct 01, 2006 4:44 pm

Hi Andy,
I've been reading through your thread with interest and felt that I had to pop on and say something - though everyone one the forum is great and you've been given soem really good advice.
I can associate with your feelings and those of your girlfriend and I really feel for you. Fibro' takes so much away from us, doesn't it? For me, it was my career, my income, my social life, my self-esteem and my indendence. I've had very supportive friends, but my family don't really understand and still expect more than I'm able to give. And, yes, love is meant to be unconditional, but three years ago, my mum told me that there was nothing wrong with me and that I didn't know what pain was - when I defended myself, she threw me out of the house and hasn't spoken to me since. I still write to her regularly - never mentioning my fibro' - but she doesn't want to know. :(
Not everyone can cope with illness and the thought can be daunting. I was divorced with two grown up children when I was first diagnosed and I lived alone for ten years - and my own space is so very important to me. Then three years ago, I began seeing soemone I had known for some time. As he was in between houses, we ended up buying a house together and he promised me that he understood about my 'space' and my illness and that it wouldn't be a problem. Now we seem to be together 24/7 and I'm finding it very difficult - not only to have time to myself, but also managing my fibro' as I now have to look after two people instead of only me. :x
I agree that you have to try and be honest with each other and talk about your feelings and your fibro' together - try and find out where her fears lie. And better to go on as you are for awhile - living seperately - than to move in together and find out that neither of you is happy. It seems as if she's being selfish, but maybe she needs more time - maybe she's afraid of losing that independence too.
It's great that you have your love of music - it's been my saviour, I'm sure, through many difficult times - and there have been many.
I know that none of this probably helps, but sometimes, just knowing that someone else understands can be a great help and comfort - and we all do.
I really do hope things work out for you - look after yourself - and don't be hard on yourself.
Sending smiles and gentle hugs, :) :) :)
Tina xx
"If you see someone without a smile - give them one of yours"
TinaT
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Postby Helene » Tue Oct 03, 2006 10:19 pm

Hello Andy,

Long time-no-hear from :) . Its nice to see you back on here !

Reading through your post, I really think youve got to give it time. I know how you are feeling, you want everything to be how it was, before things started to go wrong, but look at it this way... having a bit of space between you is giving you time to look at things realisically. For one thing, youve accepted the fact that you need help now and again, you're thinking about number one and youre socialising with youre friends...all good things Andy, and all progress from how you were thinking not too long ago !

Instead of thinking that she's maybe using you to look after her cats, take it as a compliment, that she's trusting you with her house, pets etc. When she gets home, why dont you say " thanks for asking me, Ive really enjoyed it, time for me to push off....". I bet you a tenner she says " why dont you stop for dinner" ! The fact that you had such a good time together in Guernsey, tells me that she really does care about you, but youve got to let her take her time too. Rushing back into things may push her away altogether.

At the same time, youve got to open up to her, and tell her how you feel. The more you allow people to walk over you, the larger the stampede will be !. Youve done really well so far !

Im really glad youre doctor is helping you, so the sooner you get somewhere to live, the better hey !. I think that once youve moved, you'll find the peace you deserve, and will begin to feel alot better about everything.

Keep in touch, and let me know how things are going, ok ?

Take care my friend.
xxx
Helene
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Location: Manchester UK

Postby steepdene » Tue Oct 03, 2006 10:20 pm

Hi Andy,

I've been following your thread for a while now, but don't really have any advice for you that hasn't been given already (that's if you want more advice of course!). It sounds like things have been improving with your girlfriend, and I hope that continues.

I'm lucky in that I have a very understanding partner, he knows when I'm in pain and he can also tell when I'm trying to hide it. He's fantastic to me, having taken over most of the housework, ie ironing, hoovering etc. I know I can tell him how I'm feeling and he'll understand. I don't know if I'd be able to cope if he wasn't around. My mum however, can't (or is that won't) understand that I'm not well, I'm sure she thinks I'm making it up. If I tell her I'm having a bad day, hers is worse than mine!

Anyway, enough about me, I just wanted to post to say you're not alone and I hope your application for housing in Poole goes well, I live in Poole and I can vouch for it being a very nice place to live! :lol:

Take care.

Sarah
steepdene
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