Building Resilience Against Rejection

by Sarah Wall

Hi everyone, my name is Sarah. I have five chronic illnesses including Fibromyalgia and I spend my time writing and blogging about the many struggles living with chronic illness can bring. I have written for the Fibromyalgia magazine before, but I am extremely excited to start contributing to the magazine on a more regular basis, and giving an honest account of the world of Fibro - so I hope you enjoy.

I can’t believe we are already in the month of February – the time seems to have flown by. I started the year full of optimism and focus - the common Fibro belief that you can do more mentally than your body can physically. However, I promised myself this year I wouldn’t set myself resolutions as it would only make way for disappointment when the inevitable happened and my body would say a big fat no. Nevertheless, there were things I wanted to work towards which happened to take a nose dive pretty early on. It was actually this nose dive that inspired me to write this article, centred on the notion of rejection.

A bit like the chicken and the egg scenario I cannot really say what came first; my mental health affecting my chronic illnesses or my chronic illnesses affecting my mental health. I have always been an anxious person from a young age with feelings of low self-esteem and confidence, but sometimes I feel my chronic illnesses impact that more. It causes that feeling of not being good enough.  This feeling  reared its ugly head a matter of days ago when a short fiction piece I had written about medical gaslighting of a chronic illness was rejected by a website. Maybe that on its own wouldn’t have been so bad, but I had made some other pitches to other websites prior to that the end of last year which were also completely ignored.

This happens to lots of people all the time, I am no different. Yet that didn’t stop the hollow pit I felt in my stomach when the email arrived in my inbox. My first emotion was disappointment that I had dedicated so much time to writing this short piece of fiction and essentially wasted energy on I could have used elsewhere. That’s the reality of energy limiting illnesses like Fibro, you have to make choices to get through each day and because of this you need them to be smart – you need them to be worthwhile.

My second emotion was anger that ‘healthy’ people don’t want to hear about the world of the chronic illness patient. Real diversity cannot be seen if you don’t hear all stories. My third emotion was self-loathing as I internalised the reason my pieces of work had been rejected. Maybe it was because the pieces weren’t written well enough, I hadn’t got the messages across clear enough or I wasn’t a good enough writer as I hoped I would be. Maybe if I wasn’t ill and I hadn’t had to take so many breaks when writing due to the mind-numbing fatigue, or stop because of the unbearable pain, I would have been strong enough to push through. All the ‘maybes’ began a domino effect. 

The reality is Fibromyalgia, alongside my other conditions, has put so many limitations on my life. At times I cannot help playing the ‘what if’ game - imagining my life in an alternative universe if you like, what it would look like if I wasn’t ill. Sometimes it feels like living with limitations makes me less of a person, but by thinking that I am allowing chronic illness not only affect my physical, but mental health too. I let other people’s opinions affect me, when in reality it is only that - someone else’s opinion.  The only person’s opinion that matters is mine because I am the only person living in my body; juggling multiple illnesses with multiple symptoms. As long as I am pleased with what I do, then that is all that really matters.

I am able to say this because my final emotion after the rejection (once  disappointment, anger and self-loathing were gone) was self-love. The road to loving myself has been a bumpy one filled with many ups and downs. To be honest, even now I zoom off onto the wrong lane at times before getting back on track.  However, for the most part I have learnt to accept myself and my condition. As a result have a compassion for myself too.

I may not have received replies to some of my work, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t write. I write because I want to,  because that is where the real me comes out. I write about Fibromyalgia and life with other chronic conditions because I believe it is important to see true equality across the board and I want to reach out to people who are in similar positions. If other people don’t believe I am a right fit for them it doesn’t matter - they are  probably not the right match for me either.

I may not have received the response to my short story that I wanted, but there are other websites I can send it too. Even if they too don’t want to hear it, it’s not the end of the world because I still tried. It wasn’t a waste of my energy because I still produced something I am proud of and I can still read it even if no one else will.

If chronic illness has taught me anything in my life it is resilience and an overwhelming inner strength, I never knew was possible. We fight never-ending symptoms on a daily basis with no cure in sight, as well as dealing with a cauldron of emotions and thoughts .For the most part we have to get on with it. We face negative feedback from others (including medical professionals who don’t believe we can be ill because we don’t ‘look it’) and we face up to life altering changes in our lives that most people couldn’t even imagine. If that isn’t the art of strength and resilience then I don’t know want is.

My top tips for dealing with rejection:

·   Don’t allow yourself to focus on the negative – Any feedback we receive in life, whether it be on work, condition or lifestyle, can have negative conations if we allow it. This only plays havoc with our mental health. Instead of focusing on the negative, allow yourself to engage with the positives in the situation. If there aren’t any, accept it and move on quickly. Dwelling on the situation only increases anxiety and leads to self-sabotaging behaviour - something which is a waste of energy that none of us Fibro Warriors have.

·   Don’t filter your emotions - I am not suggesting you rant at the person who has rejected you, but you shouldn’t hide away your feelings to yourself. It is natural to feel a mixture of emotions, from disappointment to anger that people cannot see beyond the Fibro. However, sometimes you need to go through these emotions to get to the self-love and acceptance in order to move on and fully let it go.

·   Learn to love yourself – A big part of learning to love yourself resides in accepting yourself and your condition. Giving yourself love will encourage you to take rejection in your stride. You learn that the only thing that matters is being happy with your achievements and the decisions you have made.

·   Make an ‘I am fabulous because..’ list – We all need a reminder sometimes about what makes us special, maybe even more so when you have chronic illness. Writing a list of your achievements, dreams, aspirations or things you like about yourself , gives you something to refer back to when you are feeling excluded. Even making notes about what you deal with on a daily basis is a great way to remind yourself that in the great scheme of things that one or two negatives don’t compare with what you go through every day.

·   Keep the faith there are better times ahead – Because there will be! And at that time, this moment will be a distant memory.

So, to anybody reading this and feeling the wounds of rejection in any sense; know you are stronger than you realise, you have already dealt with worse situations than this, and know tomorrow will be a better day.