Befriend Yourself: How to Stop Minimising Your Suffering, Compared Against Others and Cultivate Healthy Empathy Instead

by Katarina Zulak

Do you ever make negative comparisons between your struggles, problems, or hurt and the experiences of other people? Internal statements can minimise our suffering, for example "My problems are nothing compared to other people's problems, so what's wrong with me that I get so upset?" Sometimes I read about another individual who has a more severe case of FM or ME than I do, but who seems to have a more positive outlook on life, and feel guilty that I am "overly" upset about the limitations I face. However, I have learned that comparative suffering, in which we rank our own hurt against the experience of others, is an unproductive and even damaging response to painful experiences and emotions.

Of course, we can learn from the experiences of others, and apply these lessons to our own lives. For example, by reading about how a blogger with FM reduced the anxiety that came with the uncertainty of illness by practicing mindfulness, I was inspired to learn this skill for myself. The problem of comparative suffering begins when we rank suffering from least to worst, as if we are contenders at the suffering Olympics. A red flag that you may be communicating to yourself that your feelings don't matter are phrases like "I shouldn't be so__ when other people have to deal with__" or "It's not as if what I'm going through is as bad as__".

Brene Brown, a well-known expert on vulnerability and shame, describes this thought pattern as a way of denying yourself permission to feel out, and even labelling yourself a "bad" person (ex. "I'm a selfish person because I'm depressed, even though my problems are nowhere near as bad as that other person's"). Minimising your own emotions like this is actually a way of shaming yourself.

Remember that every individual is conditioned by their own experiences. We all have different strengths and resources for responding to challenging circumstances. Hurt is hurt. You have a right to your own feelings. Even if someone else is experiencing something you think is objectively worse than your own situation, this doesn't negate your emotions.

Negative Cycle: Comparing Suffering Only Worsens Suffering

Negatively comparing your emotions to others just doesn't work if your goal is to make the feelings go away. Holding yourself to unreasonable expectations through shaming does not help you deal with difficult thoughts or feelings. If you disqualify your own suffering as being unworthy of compassion because it's not bad enough, then you put an obstacle in the way of your own healing.[i] Everyone deserves of empathy, even if they aren't refugees or victims of humanitarian disasters. 

Sometimes we call minimising our own experiences "getting perspective", usually by invalidating our feelings by comparing them to someone else who "has it worse". This isn't the same as gaining a new perspective by looking at a situation from a new angle or putting your emotions in a wider context.[ii]

Minimising your own emotions because they are "less bad" may be a way to try to avoid feeling them. Emotions are a message that something needs to be addressed or changed, so it is important to keep the communication lines to your heart and mind open. When you minimise your own feelings in comparison with others, you also cut off the possibility of asking for help. After all, if a problem is small, you "should" be able to deal with it on your own, and don't have a "good reason" to ask for help.

Positive Cycle: Healthy Empathy Helps You Address Suffering

Brene Brown explains that comparative suffering arises out of a belief that empathy, love, and kindness are scarce resources. If you believe that empathy is finite, then  you become afraid that meeting your pain with empathy will drain you  of this precious resource, and you won't have enough left over to share with the important people in your life  or to manage other crises. Thus, you meet difficult emotions by trying to minimise them or shame yourself out of feeling them. However, empathy is a renewable resource, especially if you are self-aware of your own capacity in a given moment, and give yourself time and space for respite. 

Empathy is the ability to feel another person's feelings, from their perspective. It is essential for meaningful adult relationships, and is part of the glue that holds attachments together through the give and take in reciprocal relationships. It is equally important for your relationship with yourself:  

Self-empathy means that an aspect of yourself observes, in an empathic manner, the aspect of yourself that experiences. This is done with an attitude of suspended judgment and openness towards yourself. Self-empathy simply requires you to notice and recognise what is happening in you.[iii]

Meeting yourself with self-empathy, a non-judgemental, open understanding, is a powerful antidote to painful emotions. Remind yourself that taking your own suffering seriously, and treating yourself like you would a good friend, builds up your inner resources so that you are better able to take care of yourself and the important people in your life. However, also remember that self-empathy does not mean that you constantly ruminate on your problems, or feed negative emotions about how difficult life is—we are all responsible for making constructive, healthy choices in our daily lives.

How can we stop comparative suffering and begin learning healthy self-empathy?

We need to learn how to check-in and be aware of our own internal functional capacity at any given time. Brene Brown recommends a simple number out of 100, such as "I'm completely worn out, so I am operating at 10% right now." Self-awareness allows you to assess how you are doing, and whether you need to offer yourself some empathy at that moment.

Secondly, we need to recognise any self-talk that minimises what we are going through, especially negative comparisons to other people's problem and shame about your feelings. Reframe those thoughts by considering what you would tell a friend going through the same thing. If this makes you feel selfish, remember the oxygen mask on an airplane metaphor (you have to put yours on before you can help others around you).

If anxiety or fear creeps in, assess whether you are operating from a scarcity mindset — that by feeling your feelings, acknowledging the hurt, validating your experience, and maintaining your boundaries, you will drain your internal resources to cope. Reassure yourself that the opposite is true. Empathy builds your internal resources, and is a cup that overflows.

[i] https://brenebrown.com/podcast/brene-on-comparative-suffering-the-50-50-myth-and-settling-the-ball/

[ii] https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/working-through-shame/201908/why-do-we-minimize-our-emotions

[iii] https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/empathic-intervision/202007/the-self-in-empathy-self-empathy