How to Ease 'Mum' Guilt When Living with Fibromyalgia
By Lynne Said - Health Coaching Living with Fibromyalgia at The Healing Within
Being a mum is the toughest job in the world at the best of times let alone when you are struggling with chronic illness.
'Mum' guilt was one of the toughest, heaviest feelings I had to deal with as fibromyalgia slowly but surely took over every aspect of my life. In the early days of fibro
Our family days out stopped
I missed school plays, sports days, and more
Even at home, I couldn’t do many activities with my kids that I had always done
My fibro-fogged up brain couldn't hold a conversation or focus long enough to listen to my kids
I was snappy and grumpy because I was struggling with exhaustion pain and trying to come to terms with this invisible chronic illness.
And the worst of all, there were times when I couldn’t hug my kids because it was just too painful.
I had my expectations set high when it came to how I wanted to parent my kids and had never thought for a moment that there would come a time when I couldn't reach them. Yet here I was feeling as though I was letting everyone down as mum guilt tore me to pieces. I felt angry and frustrated with myself which made my symptoms soar. It was such a vicious circle and took a long time to break but here are five tips that helped me.
5 Top Tips to Ease 'Mum' Guilt When Living with Fibromyalgia
1. Blame - first and most importantly, it is not your fault that you have fibromyalgia.
2. Self-Talk - if your best friend was going through everything you are going through, would you verbally beat her up? No. So, why do it to yourself? Cut yourself some slack and know that you are doing your best and that is what really matters. Talk to yourself the same way you would talk to someone you love.
3. Expectations - what expectations are you holding for yourself? Are they realistic or very high? Have some self-compassion and lower your expectations of yourself a little so that you are reaching them. Be flexible there are days when expectations need to be let go of so that you can rest, without guilt and without judgement.
4. What are you focusing on? - Sounds like a strange question but here's why I've included it. Imagine it is an easier day. You have managed to help your kids and even spent quality time with them, but there is one thing you had planned to do, and you didn't. Is your focus going on all the great things you did or the one thing you couldn't? Nine times out of ten, you will focus on that one thing, and it will make you feel as though you just aren't good enough. Start a journal so you can see in black and white all the great things you still do for your children it might just surprise you and help to lift your spirits.
5. Improvise have a Plan A & Plan B - fibromyalgia can be so unpredictable and so being resourceful and ready to improvise depending on how you feel can make life much easier. Whether it’s changing an activity you had planned or asking a friend to help out if it’s a challenging day, be ready with alternatives! I also decided that I wasn’t going to talk about what we were going to do on any one particular day, just in case I wasn’t well enough to do it and I would feel I had disappointed my kids again, but when I was feeling well there would be some lovely surprises for my kids.
You are doing the best that you can, and your kids love you…that’s what really matters!