“It’s been two years. I’ve changed. But my wardrobe hasn’t.”
By Keelin Nielsen Donohoe
I was 18 when I started to get really sick and moved into wearing pjs most of the time. Now, I am getting better and about to celebrate my 21st birthday… and I have no idea what to wear to the party.
Why am I writing an article about what I should wear for a party? When in pain for such a constant and large amount of time, a lot of people cope by disconnecting from their physical body. It has been a subconscious way for me to protect my mental health and try to ignore my physical health.
I was always the girly girl who used fashion like armour to cheer myself up or make me feel powerful. What I wore and how it made me feel was, and is, super important to me. So I noticed that disconnect from my body through how I felt getting dressed every day.
When you spend two years paying absolutely no attention to what you look like, it can be a bit of a shock when you wake up and see yourself, two years older, having completely missed the gradual changes that got you there. I looked in the mirror and found my body shape had changed, my weight had changed, and honestly, I had just changed as a person. And yet my wardrobe was full of crop tops I would never wear now, and going out dresses that were a bit small for me (which is never the greatest feeling for anyone). My comfort zone for a long time had been pj’s and loungewear- actually not so different to a lot of people during the pandemic. I felt like my body was a complete stranger that I was meeting for the first time. I used to be a confident woman who wore whatever she wanted and felt fabulous doing so. So this level of insecurity and discomfort in my body was unfamiliar. I felt so cheated. I had been dreaming for a long time of the day when I could put on my favourite dress and heels and walk down the street feeling like my old, confident self. I expected it to be the day after I recovered which was a bit naive, but there we go.
It’s been two years. I’ve changed. But my wardrobe hasn’t.
I think it’s pretty rare for someone to completely throw out their wardrobe and start again. Normally we add some new pieces every few months and throw out things every few years (maybe more often if you aren’t a hoarder like me). That is how our wardrobe evolves to fit our style. But when we have been sick for a while, that natural evolution doesn’t happen and it can create a whole load of problems, even more so if you’re at a pivotal time of change like teen to twenties.
So what have I been trying to do to reconnect?
1. Using people to show me my reflection instead of mirrors
I definitely have some body dysmorphia and after being sick for a long time I don’t really have all my self confidence back. My brain gets scrambled when I look in the mirror because I’m seeing both the person I was and the person I am, and there is a little bit of a disconnect. So I picked a person that loves me but also is going to tell me if something doesn’t suit me. Sometimes when your own eyes are telling you really mean lies (aka body dysmorphia), it’s nice to look at yourself through the eyes of somebody who loves you like you should love yourself, but is also honest with you and has good taste. But I also am working every day to look in the mirror and be more accepting of the parts of me I need to start loving. And I make sure to take a good look at the things about my body that I really love, and smile.
2. I figured out what I loved and maybe didn’t love as much right now (but I’m working on it)
This one is fairly basic. What parts of your body do you love and want to flaunt for all its worth? Maybe that is your whole body and I give you major props for that. But maybe there’s a few things that you aren’t feeling super confident about and that is okay too. I had to really put some conscious thought into changing how I was shopping to make sure I was flaunting the things I loved about my body NOW.
3. I had to figure out what my style is now
That’s just a whole lot of googling and window shopping, my friend. And perhaps a few purchases you might regret later… don’t worry, it’s all part of the process!
4. I changed my social media habits
Social media is a bit of a double edged sword when you’re having body dysmorphia or body image issues. There are so many amazing content creators out there who are the same size as you, or the same body type as you. Once you find those people, you could fill your whole feed with them! But we can still end up seeing a lot of people who seem flawless (or airbrushed to look so). So I had to take a social media break for a month. I deleted everything except what I needed to talk to friends. I missed out on some celebrity gossip but my anxiety went way down. And when I felt stronger, I returned and filled my feed with different body shapes. Because the virtual world needs to look a little more like the real world.
I’m still working on these things every day. Sometimes I revert back to old habits without thinking, and I have to try really hard to change what I am doing. Going back to normal life after being sick is a work in progress. But I just bought an outfit for my birthday. And I am ready to celebrate my strong body and mind that got me here today!