Mind Full: Letting Go of Uncomfortable Feelings

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

“One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go.Whether it's guilt, anger, love, loss or betrayal. Change is never easy.We fight to hold on and we fight to let go.”

― Mareez Reyes

It’s easy to stew in uncomfortable feelings and allow emotions to overtake us. Letting go of strong emotions and moving them into positive actions gives us strength to make positive changes in areas that upset us. Strong emotions have power to motivate change.

You’re in a rush because you really want to pick up a surprise for your friend before catching the bus to meet them. You feel great about yourself as you daydream about surprising your friend while catching your breath in line with the perfect gift, when out of nowhere, someone cuts you in the queue. They have loads of items while in the express checkout and are acting the epitome of rude. You are fuming. You clench your jaw and your fists. Every item they ring up and every word they utter sends you further into rage as you force yourself to retain composure. Finally, you check out your single item and move as quickly as you possibly can to catch the bus, which you do not.

Now you’re stuck waiting for the next bus, all because that muppet cut the queue. Your excitement to see your friend evaporates; for now, all your attention is dedicated to mulling over a few choice words you feel you ​should​ have said to the queue cutter. Rest assured these critiques are all deserved for making you late and upsetting everyone else’s plans. You were having such a lovely morning, and now everything merely adds to your frustrations.

All you want is for people to have common courtesy, to mind the queue, to not cut everyone else off in queue with countless items, yet this savage did just that. The nerve of some people is all you can think about in an endless loop of aggravation. You can keep feeling like this all day; you just might. Something about reeling in their countless flaws seems just and deserved. They violated the honor code, the queue code, and common decency. They significantly violated your space and threw off all of your plans for the day. You have a right to be angry, but how is that going to help you when you get to your friend’s party? How can you not be furious? Afterall, you think you ​should​ be upset at the way you were treated.

The choice is completely yours. You can stay mad, and carry this cloud into the party; alternatively, you can look at the situation, look at yourself, and examine other options. Being angry is not helping your current situation, afterall, you can no longer take it out on the queue cutter who kicked off this whole mess. Pretending everything is honky dory will not do. Let’s face it, to get out of this mood you need to face what’s bothering you.

Identify Your Feelings.​ What are you feeling? Does it have a name?

Quantify the Feeling.​ On a scale of 1-10, where would you rate this feeling? Where would you like this feeling to be? What would be a more manageable level?

Locate Where You Feel these Feelings in Your Body.​ Stress, anger, and tense emotions are held in our body. Some people hold stress in their shoulders and back. Once aware that they raise and tense their shoulders, they can then let go and learn to lower their shoulders away from their ears. Then relax and unclench their jaw. Practicing Autogenic Relaxation Training, Meditation, Yoga, Self Massage, light exercise, stretching, or other body awareness practices will help you fine tune your ability to locate tension throughout your body. You can also become more aware by simply paying attention to yourself and focusing on your body and how different parts move and feel. Where do you feel pain, fear, anger, or resentment? Can you feel it in your face? Untense your face and body. Open and relax your hands. Breathe deep and lower your shoulders away from your ears again.

Identify the Cause of This Feeling.​ What is wrong? Perhaps you are upset at a person, a situation, or even yourself. Put into words what is going on that led you to feel this way.​ “I feel frustrated at the muppet who cut in the queue.”

Own Your Feelings.​ Take full responsibility for how you feel. This doesn’t mean making apologies for other people, taking blame for the situation, or others’ actions. You are only responsible for your own emotions, words, and actions. Give yourself space to feel your emotions. Hold your feelings in a place of respect regardless of if they are positive or negative emotions.

Accept Your Feelings.​ You feel how you feel. Even though it may not be the feeling you want to be experiencing, honour the reality of how you feel right now. This may sound like: ​“I feel angry, but I love myself deeply.”

Move Negative Feelings into Positive Actions. ​What can you do to change this situation or similar situations in the future? You can’t control other people or the situation. You can change the way you prepare, interact, and influence others. You can speak out and change the course of events by speaking up for yourself or advocating for others. Strong emotions like anger exist to scare off threats or jump us into action inorder to protect ourselves.

Be Assertive. ​Sometimes we feel guilty for not speaking out about injustices until after the situation has passed; luckily we can learn healthy, assertive communication so people are aware of our boundaries. There are various actions we can take to become more assertive and maintain healthy boundaries.

Ask Yourself What You Are Meant to Learn. ​Every situation will teach us about ourselves and the world around us. Learning to identify how we feel in the moment is crucial to avoid being overwhelmed by our emotions. As we practice awareness of our emotions, we will be more able to assess the situation and find helpful ways to react.

Let Go.​ When you are ready, give yourself permission to let go of uncomfortable feelings.​ “I feel very angry right now, but it is not currently helping me. I no longer need to carry the weight of this feeling so I give myself permission to release my anger.”

Build Your Strength

Take a few deep breaths and a moment to thank and honor yourself for your courage to address your feelings. It’s difficult work to step out of your comfort zone, to address uncomfortable feelings, to own your feelings, and use them to take positive action. Love, accept, and honour yourself for taking the responsibility to work with your challenging feelings.