Mind Full: Boundaries Build Resilience

by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris

“The way you love or treat yourself dictates or defines how others will treat you.”

― Dr Prem Jagyasi

The golden rule to treat others as you would like others to treat you, can be expanded to also treat yourself as you would like others to treat you. If we treat ourselves with respect and communicate what that means to us to those we care about, we open up endless opportunities for cooperation and mutual support. Confusion is inevitable if we don’t define how we want to be treated.

We define ourselves in part by the ways we interact with the world around us.  Without boundaries, we lack awareness of where we are. This isn’t to say we wouldn’t exist anywhere without boundaries on maps or the division of harsh imaginary lines. Healthy boundaries are more natural and flexible like rivers. A river always acts as a river, yet moves, adapts, and changes along with its environment. A river makes no attempt to transform into a rock or mountain when challenged; it’s true to its nature, while in a constant state of change.

Finding a balance is important. If we are assertive, we open ourselves up to positive experiences and refuse to accept unacceptable behaviour. A person with rigid boundaries may act in an overpowering controlling manner in attempts to bully others into obeying orders. Someone with no boundaries can easily become a bystander that supports cruel, unjust authority, thereby empowering bullies. The goal is to communicate in an effective way, so we speak our mind and listen to others.

When boundaries are too rigid, we place barriers between ourselves and others. Rigid boundaries shut people out and cloister ourselves off from enriching experiences. Rigid boundaries control in a way that violates others.

When our boundaries are violated, we tend to feel violated, taken advantage of, unappreciated, disrespected, angry, upset, lonely, or sad. In contrast, when our boundaries are met, we tend to feel safe, loved,appreciated, respected, happy, content, and welcome.

It’s essential to express ourselves so those we care about know what our boundaries are. We must speak up in order to be heard. Otherwise, we will eventually feel disrespected and be upset, but the people around us will not understand why or how to improve the situation.

Voicing Boundaries may look like stating what you like, what you find unacceptable, sharing feelings, and proposing a resolution you can enact. It is of utmost importance that you follow through with your end of the bargain and enact the consequence you make. This is not a space to make blank threats or bluffs; it is a place to make changes. You can interchange the underlined scripts with your own experiences.

Set Boundary
I like when you speak to me in a neutral tone; I’ve noticed when we speak in a respectful way I am able to focus on what you are saying and we can work together to solve problems, rather than escalating anger, fear, and resentment. I understand that you get upset, but please wait until your emotions are under control and you are able to speak to me in a neutral tone. If you yell at me, I will leave. If you choose to raise your voice at me, I am no longer going to engage with you.

Upkeep Your Boundary

I’ve asked you not to raise your voice at me. You did not respect my boundaries so I am going to leave. We can talk about this after you calm down and are able to speak to me in a calm, respectful manner.

Follow Through
If the person now speaks to you in a neutral tone, you now achieved the respect you wanted by setting a boundary. If the person now continues to raise their voice at you it is important that you follow through by leaving and not engaging with them until they are calm and respectful. If the person in conflict continues their negative behaviour, it is important to follow through with what you said you would do, i.e. uphold your end of the bargain.

Passive Behaviour prioritizes others without respecting yourself. If you find yourself bending over backwards to please (or worse, not offend) and constantly sacrifice your personal well-being in attempts to comfort others, you may be acting and communicating in a passive manner. Passive individuals avoid expressing what they want to people involved, which makes it difficult, if not impossible, for others to predict. It’s easy to lose sight of yourself if you do not speak up for your values, wants, needs, and your personal comfort zone.

Assertive Healthy Behaviour places value on both yourself and others. When you both express your wants, needs, expectations, and boundaries as well as listen to others perspectives, you’re in the best position to reach mutual understanding, compromise, cooperation, and meet each others’ needs. You actively engage and work to find optimal ways of working, living, loving, and spending time together. This work involves communicating, setting, and upholding your boundaries as well as listening, asking questions, recognising, and respecting others’ boundaries.

Aggressive Behaviour prioritizes yourself without respecting others. Aggressive communicators create walls that shut others out if they aren’t completely compliant. Aggressive behaviour doesn’t allow new ideas or differences to pass through the walls. It only allows one opinion in attempts to bully, control, or shun everyone into doing what they want. Dictators often carry aggressive attitudes preventing others from expressing themselves. It is unhealthy to cloister oneself from different perspectives, and in turn, shuts off opportunities for true growth, improvement, friendship, love, acceptance, and relationships.

Passive-Aggressive Behaviour demonstrates a lack of respect for both others and oneself. It is incredibly confusing to know what a passive-aggressive individual is doing and why. They don’t speak their truth. Whatever they are saying seems to be in contradictory riddles. Passive-aggressive behaviour is only effective in creating confusion and exacerbating problems by hiding what they want, how they feel, and shutting down conversations. Thus, passive-aggressive behaviour prevents achieving a wanted result, often leaving everyone feeling dissatisfied.

We can’t control everything and will at times feel out of our comfort zone regardless due to the challenges of life. We can control how we create and upkeep our personal boundaries. We can communicate in an effective, direct manner, clearing the air of confusion. We can educate others on how we want them to treat us, therefore, giving them the awareness of our desires and the opportunity to accept us and negotiate boundaries. We choose to accept or reject treatment that violates our boundaries. Respecting our boundaries grounds us, builds strength, and resistance.

Build Your Strength

Think of an ongoing situation that you’d like to change the way someone treats you or the way you react to a triggering behaviour.

Fill in the blanks.

Set Boundary:
I like when you __________; I’ve noticed when we  __________ I feel  __________ and I react by  __________. Then, we can work together/ hear each other out/ get along, rather than  __________. I understand that you  __________, but please  __________. If you  __________, I will  __________.

Upkeep Boundary:

I’ve asked you  __________. You did not respect my boundaries so I am  __________. We can talk about this after you _______________.

(It is very important that you follow through with what you say you will do and respect the boundaries you set for them to work.)