Mindful Acceptance
by Kayleigh Roberts and Christine Harris
“We cannot change anything unless we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate; it oppresses. I am the oppressor of the person I condemn, not [their] friend and fellow sufferer…
But what if I should discover that the least amongst them all – the poorest of all beggars – the most impudent of all offenders – yea, the very fiend himself – that these are within me? And that I myself stand in need of the arms of my own kindness. That I myself am the enemy that must be loved. What then?”
— Carl Jung, Modern Man in Search of a Soul
A friend told me when they’re embarrassed about something they did or said or are, they tell everyone and immediately feel better.
The unspeakable shame loses its potency when it’s out in the open for everyone to see. When all is said and done, it no longer has power over them. Rather than looming over one’s head, the shame is: owned, reined in, reduced into humour or otherwise dethroned.
There is an urge to hide and make efforts to cover up anything we don’t like about ourselves, or assume that others will not appreciate. This puts up a wall against reality that sometimes requires building other walls, bridges and tunnels to protect against invasion from unwanted truths. Although castles of lies are susceptible to crumbling like castles of cards, tearing down the walls is challenging once you’ve forgotten where you are.
Own it. Embrace your‘flaws.’ Sometimes we find that what we try to cover up are actually our strengths. It’s what people want to see. It’s what we want to see in others: our humanity. Perhaps it’s easy to overlook what is being projecting when flipping through airbrushed models in magazines or scrolling through filtered social media pictures. You may hide your gap toothed smile, but find it beautiful on the face of a model and see it as their signature look.
Treat yourself with kindness. People don’t make positive changes through self deprecation. People can make short-lasting, extreme changes through beating themselves up, which are neither real nor healthy. Crash diets can get fast results, but the near future sends these dieters back to where they were before ‘Square One.’ The reality is crash diets are dangerous and unsustainable. Being mindful of your eating and exercise habits puts you in a position to understand yourself and make small consistent changes with lasting effects. If you allow yourself to be aware of your reality, you can accept and work through issues. Accepting yourself and your life as it is, instead of how you want it to be, is the best way to move forward.
Hold experience, not judgement. The goal is to hold an experience. If we can accept what’s going on, without judgement, we can see the situation for what it is, unclouded. Diving into how this should happen or things shouldn’t be this way, does nothing to help the situation. Stay with what is happening. Observe. Be present. Separate facts from feelings, and accept both. If you find yourself making ‘should’ statements, try to bring it back to the present moment by stating what is happening and how you are feeling in reaction to what is happening. We don’t need to dive into condemning or making excuses for others, we can simply note their actions and our feelings. Maybe we can relate to a time we did something similar and find compassion for them and ourselves. Maybe we can simply be present.
Relearn how to adapt. When we run a fever, our body is fighting off illness. The discomfort indicates an immune symptom response to protect your body, and means your body is working to keep you healthy. Our minds operate the same way, but occasionally get stuck on old programming that is no longer helpful. As a rule, things are not always so. What may have worked once, may no longer hold true. When our minds or bodies respond to threats that aren’t real, going into fight/flight/freeze mode is not helpful. Instead of shutting down when we feel insecure, we need to stay present. Stay curious, observe what is going on and accept the events that are currently unfolding. Acceptance isn’t about agreeing; it’s about accurately recording events like a reporter. The best interviewers reserve judgement and engage their curiosity. Your goal is to identify patterns about yourself: how we feel, think, and act in response to what is going on around us. Increasing our awareness sets us up to make the best game plan on how to accept, change, or leave the situation.
Deprogram self doubt. These negative messages may come from our child selves, a parent, or society. We’ve all been inundated with negative beliefs that we need to hide and change who we are in order to fit in or survive. Freedom and safety are pitted against each other, and safety might merely be a deception or an illusion. Perhaps hiding kept the child self safe, but it’s okay to come out now. At one time these insecurities were likely intended to keep us out of harm's way, but now these negative messages are holding us back from living our best life. Once we observe these beliefs in the present moment, we may decide to leave them in the past. We can send off negative beliefs with gratitude for the times they may have served us in the same way we can let go of a favourite coat whose sleeves have grown too short over time.
Build Your Strength. Observe an insecurity you hold. It might be a belief, an action, or an uncomfortable feeling. Say it out loud, write it down or tell someone you trust about it. You can look up videos on ‘tapping for insecurities’ or for what you want to work on online.
I love and accept myself for showing up to work on self acceptance. I love and accept the parts of myself that I struggle to acknowledge. Everything about me makes me who I am. I am real and whole. I learn from my mistakes. I am complete. I am enough.
Feel free to share your story with us.
Be sure to check out our Next Article on Building Confidence.
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