‘People Pleaser’ Personality & Fibromyalgia
By Norah Wickerson
Our personality can increase our chances of developing an addiction to alcohol, drugs or gambling, or becoming an ‘adrenaline junkie’ for extreme sports or computer games. Could our personality also predispose us to develop Fibromyalgia?
We often think of our personality as our ‘spirit’ or ‘soul’ reinforced in the adage ‘finding our soul mate’. We are often first attracted to people of all ages by their personality including their humorous wit, emotional intelligence and open nature. Our personality comes from our brain. It is, therefore, everything that makes up our consciousness including circulating hormones, neuronal pathways and countless biological actions and reactions. Our personality is as individual as our facial features.
Different personality traits share many common features. Just about every Fibromyalgia patient I have treated fits into the category of being a ‘people pleaser’ and agree that they always have been. Is this a cause or a symptom? Fibromyalgia sufferers feel the need to please people and throughout the different stages of their life they try to avoid confrontation, especially at home, school and work. They feel the need to fit in and follow the expected path, even if that is not what their heart tells them to do. Maybe this is why Fibromyalgia sufferers often have low self-esteem and are over-sensitive to criticism from others. They are also generally over-critical of themselves which can make it harder to find the necessary contentment in most areas of their life. When asked to do something they find it very hard to say ‘no'. Then, even though they did not want to do it, their conscientiousness makes them feel the need to do it really well. Other people may take the attitude that they will only do the task half-heartedly so not risk being asked again. The personality of a Fibromyalgia sufferer (before they become ill) is one who takes the philosophy that if a job is worth doing it is worth doing well, even though they may not enjoy the task and actually get more stress than pleasure from it. Paradoxically, for a Fibromyalgia sufferer to say ‘no' can also cause them stress because they then feel guilty for letting someone down or basically risk displeasing someone who they wrongly think will now have a lower opinion of them.
Fibromyalgia sufferers are a contrary group. They can have low confidence and low self-esteem but in some areas of their life they can actually have a high opinion of themselves and their specialness. This shows itself in several ways such as the fact that they feel the need to carry out most jobs themselves and do not like to delegate, maybe because they know the job will be done better by themselves. This becomes a problem if their condition worsens and they are not good at letting others help or actually asking for help when they know they need it. In severe Fibromyalgia this choice can be taken away leading to frustration and eventually possible depression.
Sufferers of Fibromyalgia do not cope well with change. They can find changing schools, starting university, moving house and breaking up of a friendship or relationship more stressful than most people. At the time of the stress they appear to cope very well and may even seem to thrive on it. They make sure that everyone else is supported but ignore their own need to de-stress. Unfortunately, when they then relax as the stress reduces, this is when they become ill. Many will have a debilitating flare- up of their Fibromyalgia symptoms that can last for days, weeks or even months.
When two people are in a difficult or confrontational situation there are basically three ways that they can behave. The first person can behave as a ‘parent’, by belittling and admonishing the other person, and this can make the second person behave like a petulant child. The first person can behave like a child, by tackling the problem in an overly emotional and immature way, and this can make the second person fill the role as their ‘parent’. The best way to handle most situations is for the first person to behave as a sensible adult, which in turn encourages the second person to respond as a sensible adult too. The sufferer's relationship with their parents, family, colleagues and friends needs to be this ‘adult-to-adult’. This can greatly help self-esteem and reduce stress levels that may have been exacerbated by many unhealthy past relationships. The Fibromyalgia sufferer needs to feel that he or she is an equal to everybody else with views, ideas and choices that are respected and valued.
Fibromyalgia sufferers are intuitive and empathetic people who readily take on other peoples' problems, ending up like a sponge that is totally saturated so that it cannot absorb any more. However, they are not good at sharing their own problems with others and consequently build on-going stress, producing inappropriate cortisol which can result in more troublesome symptoms.
In order to get well and stay well, I encourage my Fibromyalgia patients to become more assertive, work at gaining self-esteem and become more self-centred but for the right reasons. I encourage my patients to become ‘creative problem solvers’. They learn to put their needs and wishes equally as high as others in their family, workplace or social situation. To do this, many sufferers need to confront difficult issues with relationships at home, the wider family and their workplace. They may have deep rooted resentment, anger and other negative feelings that are affecting their emotional system and need dealing with in order to achieve better health.
Early development of Fibromyalgia
I believe that many young sufferers of Fibromyalgia may have had unusually large amounts of cortisol and other stress hormones passed to them through the placenta when in utero. This could be because their mother was suffering chronic stress during pregnancy. I believe this happened to me such that I was born with an abnormal response to stress hormones especially cortisol. It is possible that I already had a dysfunctioning Autonomic Nervous System by the time I was born. For people, like myself who are also born with Hypermobility Syndrome we probably have the double whammy. We are already born on a ‘tightrope’. This means that as we come across usual life stresses (physical, mental, emotional and biochemical) our body is less able to deal with them, so we gradually become ‘out of balance’ and succumb easily to Fibromyalgia or ME/CFS.
Another common time for Fibromyalgia symptoms to become apparent is when a new student is at university. There are so many new people to please! This is a stressful time - maybe leaving family for the first time, finding the studying hard, partying more than they can cope with, but most importantly, changing their diet for the worse. Students on a tight budget tend to live on cheap processed foods such as pasta, white rice, bread, pizza - and maybe lots of alcohol. There could be a deficiency of fruit and vegetables and quality protein. If they have a predisposition to develop Reactive Hypoglycaemia it is likely to present itself now. They then crave more of the aforementioned food 'baddies', and the downhill spiral of other Fibromyalgia symptoms might begin with a vengeance and end without a career.
My hypothesis is that if young adults are diagnosed early, and they follow a protocol like The Combination Approach throughout their life, they can greatly improve their chances of staying well. This has been my findings of successfully treating young Fibromyalgia sufferers over the past 20 years.
Fibromyalgia later in life
The most common times for Fibromyalgia to become troublesome is at times of biochemical and hormonal imbalance such as after pregnancy or when a woman reaches the perimenopause and menopause. Often, they will have had early signs that their body is not in perfect balance and had Fibromyalgia symptoms which wax and wane over many years. These can include ‘growing pains’, migraines, recurrent viruses, severe PMS, PCOS and endometriosis. The contraceptive pill, Mini pill, Mirena coil, hormone implants and especially HRT can cause more biochemical imbalances in a person who is susceptible to Fibromyalgia and many of my patients have reported getting worse on these hormone changing medications. This is a life stage where the pressures to please have by no means diminished. I recommend natural bio-identical or plant-based hormones that work gently with the body’s own changing biochemistry. Some diagnosed Fibromyalgia sufferers cope well with their condition until the onset of their menopause when their symptoms can suddenly worsen. This is because now they have to deal with two separate biochemical conditions that can aggravate each other. They have to learn to be kinder to themselves and less of a people pleaser.
Norah Wickerson is a Chartered Physiotherapist and qualified Nutritional Advisor who has specialized in treating patients with Fibromyalgia and ME/CFS for 20 years. She developed ‘The Combination Approach’ and helps Fibromyalgia patients to become ‘the best they can be.’
www.tacklingfibro.co.uk
norah.wickerson@gmail.com