Rebranding Ourselves

by Madeleine Sara

Many of us with the diagnosis of Fibromyalgia will have been brought up in an environment where our faults and failures may have been paraded and dissected with vitriolic glee or domineering assertion for years by the other members of our family; whilst our successes, talents and achievements, were ignored, dismissed, diminished and disparaged with a superior air.

All these things serve to cast us in a negative, unflattering light from which there seems no escape. Perhaps we’ve even been told: “I’m only saying this for your own good, to make you a better person!” Determination and ambition can be swamped by self doubt and indecision, as a consequence. Negativity and dominance erodes self-esteem; whilst encouragement, kindness and praise gladden the heart and boost our confidence.

When we’ve been brought up in such an abusive or toxic environment, our sense of happiness and self-worth will have been dictated by another, who believes they have a right to define who we are and control our lives, opinions and needs. Their definition seems contrary to how we see ourselves. This appalling injustice may then seep into other social situations and friendships, following us around like a bad smell.

It is not surprising, then, that our stress response may have been influenced by the fact that as a result, we have become perfectionists or ‘over-achievers’; as we strive to obtain that elusive, external validation we have been deprived of whilst growing up. We take on too much and strive extra hard. It’s no wonder we end up BURNING OURSELVES OUT and receiving a Fibromyalgia diagnosis. Consequently, we must learn to slow down, take a step back and recognise when we are taking on too many things at once. While this might not be our natural inclination, it is necessary for our minds and overall health and wellbeing if we want to improve our symptoms.

When a situation has been a source of chronic stress, hurt and anxiety, any reminder associated with that situation, will set off a distress beacon within our autonomic nervous system, that creates a powerful association. This ultimately conditions our immune systems, which can lead to chronic illnesses such as Fibromyalgia.

Forgiving those abusers, as well as ourselves through Cognitive Behaviour approaches and Mindfulness Meditation does not work for everyone and can be a difficult task. Choosing the best therapist and meditation approach for you may take some time.

The aim of these therapies is to off-load old tensions, caused by those people and situations that cause us distress, instead of revisiting them time and time again.

Of course when we unwittingly give others the power over our feelings of validation, this makes us vulnerable. So once we claim back our own self-validation, our self-esteem is better fed. WE regain the power. A weight lifts and we can actually begin to enjoy our successes and talents, however big or small. So, we need to embrace the ethos of not comparing ourselves with others; loving ourselves enough to decide on a course of action that avoids guilt and second guessing.

Rebranding Ourselves is a good way of achieving this goal.

Any rebranding strategy should start with a thorough understanding of the reasons behind the

rebranding:

· Maybe your CAREER was the thing you felt defined you, yet you had to leave as a result of your diagnosis;, making you depressed and despondent? It doesn’t necessarily mean you no longer have the skills. Rebranding yourself will be a positive, empowering way to take back control. Perhaps you can put your skills to good use in the voluntary sector, as a more part-time, casual contributor?

· Your ‘brand’ IDENTITY (i.e. how you wish people to regard you), perhaps no longer reflects who you are. Choose SELF-VALIDATION rather than EXTERNAL. Make a conscious decision to trust your own judgement and enjoy every small success on your new journey to self-empowerment. Self doubt causes nervous energy and impulsive behaviours, so take your time with decisions.

· Does your message need to be simplified / re-focused? - You have a right to define who you are, rather than letting others define you. You may also consider Counselling, Positive Thinking Workshops or Assertiveness Training, as a way to help you embrace this new you. It becomes very empowering when you realise you have the right not to be totally responsible for something/ someone; you have a right to make choices; you have a right to define who you are; you have a right even to have rights!

· To help your new ‘brand’ shift towards self-validation, rather than the former unhealthy, unassertive /needy validation through others, you will no longer leave yourself open and vulnerable. Use daily, Positive Affirmations to help you in this process. It is easy to carry around negative criticisms and slights like malingering growths. Perhaps it is time to write them down and then cut up the paper into tiny pieces to demonstrate to yourself that you are done with them. You will no longer allow them rent-free space to poison your mind and body. ‘It is not the snake bite that kills us, but the poison we carry in our bodies’. Negativity is very draining for the person, who must always carry poisonous emotions around with them. Conversely, the moment we let go, forgive ourselves and others, our healing can begin. We may pity the toxic person who hurt us, but hating them and punishing ourselves only uses up all our emotional wellness.

· Do you feel that your NAME and identity has become synonymous with victim, loser and failure – You may consider a new name, to assert your new identity that reflects the new, positive, assertive and successful YOU. It is important, however, that you always ensure that the new successful, positive and assertive you is associated with this new name. Make sure everyone is aware that you define yourself, not them. You needn’t make this name change permanent and official until you have decided that it is what you really want to do. However, this approach will allow you to see yourself in a fresh light, to OWN YOUR OWN PERSON.

· Testing out the rebrand - Find a different social support group. Join a new group to find friends that will enhance and protect your self-esteem to replace those who constantly strive to erode it. You may find new friends who enhance and protect your self-esteem much better. Don’t feel guilty about ditching the psychological leeches. Show them kindness and courtesy and nothing more, as you move towards a more empowering set

of social and personal experiences.

· Start an ‘enhancing and protecting self esteem’ journal, that includes compliments and successes. This will boost morale, promoting better self-esteem.

· KNOWING AND ACCEPTING OURSELVES prevents others from presuming to tell us who they have decided we should be. Insecurity makes us feel coerced into conforming/ performing for others. We can then set unrealistic standards for ourselves. We certainly don’t need to keep justifying our diagnosis to anyone or pretending to be what we are not.

· PEOPLE PLEASING demonstrates to others that we care too much about what they think of us, making us vulnerable to manipulation. Conflict and stress arises when we try to be ‘all things to all people’. Saying ‘No’ is hard, but necessary, for those who have always put others’ needs first.

· Throw yourself a launch celebration- Buy yourself a special card, picture or write yourself a letter that lifts your heart. Make sure you write in it what you think the toxic person in your life would write to you, if their kind and caring persona won out over that more noxious personality. Sign it “Love your self-affirming… friend/ parent/ sibling/partner…”. Knowing that the person who emotionally injuries you, is damaged and that they would otherwise appreciate you and treat you with kindness, courtesy, consideration and love, is a very empowering feeling. It allows you to see them and yourself in a whole different light; similar to the ‘Befriending’ exercise, in the Williams and Penman Mindfulness programme.

Inevitably, becoming assertive will not happen overnight. Loving yourself, and setting off on this new path, will lead towards your having much more rewarding encounters. Self-belief and self worth take time and effort. By shifting our thoughts and actions to things that feel good, whilst letting go of negative thoughts helps us handle stress more effectively, so the healing process can begin.

Madeleine Sara is a freelance writer with a degree in Psychology and a postgraduate RCSLT qualification. As a retired, Paediatric Therapist and fellow Fibromyalgia sufferer; she likes to apply her experience and knowledge to every challenge she encounters.